Life
by Steve Coulter on November 8, 2013

However, acceptance and tolerance toward someone’s errors is limited to a certain degree based on circumstance. We will excuse a person for being late 15 minutes to a meeting; we will shout obscenities at them when they cut us off when driving; and we will flat out hit somebody for making a rude remark or vulgar gesture toward someone we care about.

And then there’s the hazy, gray area, when you have to react to one of your friends openly betraying your wishes, defying the laws of friendship and acting selfishly to satisfy whatever part of his brain is in the most need of pleasure. I’m talking id, ego and super-ego here, for those of you who didn’t take Psychology 101.

For whatever reason — there is actually reason, but I’m not Freud and I don’t have the time to explain it, bros continuously fall victim to these unconscious instincts, which are at the root of all our basic problems as males, without even realizing it.

This begs the question: should you forgive your bro for talking to and/or hitting on your former girlfriend? If we are hard-wired to fuck up, then shouldn’t we recognize this in each other and just move on? The short answer is yes, we should, but it’s a lot more complicated than that whether or not we like to admit it.

Nonetheless, to eschew bro tension altogether, one must follow one simple step — don’t talk and/or hit to your bro’s ex-girlfriend, at all. It’s a simple solution to an otherwise complex algorithm and produces consistent, drama-free results.

If you really need 10 reasons why you shouldn’t talk to your bros, then here you go: 

Loyalty

If you thought I was going a different a direction here at the top spot, then you are sorely mistaken. The number one guiding force within all of us is loyalty — loyalty to our family, loyalty to our friends, and, most importantly, loyalty to ourselves.

Ask yourself this: who are at your core and what would it take to compromise everything you believe in and stand for? Because if you believe you’re not a slithering snake in the grass with double-sided motives, and you’re actually a stand-up, morally balanced individual, then talking or hitting on your good friend’s ex-girlfriend tosses all of that stuff out the window and blowtorches it to smithereens. 

The golden rule

In case you don’t remember the golden rule from elementary school: one should treat others, as one would like others to treat oneself. Would you want one of your buddies talking to your ex-girlfriend, let alone making a move on her? Fuck no, so why should you have a get-out-jail-free-card to do whatever the fuck it is you want to do? The right answer here — and no, there isn’t any middle ground — is that you don’t get to have a get-out-jail-free-card to do whatever the fuck it is you want to do.

Moving onto another golden rule…

If you ain’t first you’re last

Thank god for good ole Reese Bobby logic!

“If you ain’t first you’re last” can definitely be applied here, because who really wants a second helping from some chick that’s already fucked your buddy six ways before sudown and now has left him burned? Regardless of circumstance, if you’re friend has already landed on the moon, following his trail and planting your own American flag in the soil isn’t going to get you very far in the long term. If anything, you’ll be known as the guy who is so shortsighted that he can’t even look past his own friend’s girlfriend. That’s a label that won’t come off easily.

And, for whatever reason, if she does enjoy you more in the sack — she may say this but there’s really never a real way of confirming it as fact, then the only thing you’re really achieving is some false sense of pride, while doing more damage to your buddy’s psyche.

Please note: this situation depends on if this “ex-girlfriend” is a raging whore who sleeps with multiple guys inside one friend group. There are some out there.

The awkward sex triangle

You don’t want to ever be put into this situation, trust me. I have a friend who fucked his bro’s ex only to wake up to a text from her that said she was getting back together with her boyfriend. Damn, that’s some cold-blooded shit. Needless to say, things were awkward for that trio from there on.

Nothing to gain

Situational speaking, if there is no possibility of penetration and no sexual attraction, then what are you trying to achieve by even approaching your bro’s ex? I mean trying for sex is a weak excuse in my opinion, but at least it’s an impulse that you need to satisfy on a daily or weekly basis.

Are you trying to talk to her so you play cupid and get these two fallen lovebirds back together? I don’t get it, because their relationship has absolutely nothing to do with you, so quit trying to play hero and get back to playing Grand Theft Auto.

Plenty of fish in the sea

Similar to No. 5, what do you have problems talking with chicks you don’t know or something? Are you so pathetic that you to have to strike up a conversation with your buddy’s ex because you’re “comfortable” talking to her even though she’s not going to fuck you and you wouldn’t fuck her even if she would? I mean I don’t want to be an ass, but there are plenty of other chicks to talk to at parties and bars. If you just so happen to be at the same one as your friend’s ex, there is no need to play nice or even be formal, just give her the old swim move and keep on the prowl.

WWJD?

I didn’t want to get religious in this at all, but I can’t help myself from posing the question, what would Jesus do? He would definitely stay the hell away from any ex-girlfriend of his 12 Apostles. I’m not saying you have to act as pure as the big man upstairs, but follow his example in this regard at the very least. Otherwise, you’re acting like that aforementioned snake in the grass.

Karma

Keeping on that spiritual theme, why would you want to mess with karma? If you’re the type of bro who would even talk to his friend’s ex and hope for the possible random sexual encounter to occur, then it’s going to bite you in the ass in the long run and your wife will end up cheating on you with the gardener someday.

If you’re one of those YOLO-types, and I don’t think anybody who reads this stuff is, then go for it because, you know, you only live once and fuck karma. Do whatever it is the hell you want. Cheat. Betray. Steal. Manipulate. Eat that apple!

Social media + Gossip = Trouble

In this day and age, you’d have to be a damned fool to think you’re going to get away with talking to your bro’s ex without him catching wind of it. With the way we rely on social media and the way people tend to gossip, you have absolutely zero chance of carrying on anything with someone your friend was previously involved with and your entire social circle no exactly what’s going on. If you’re going to do something so bent, then you mine as well proclaim it and own it. That way you may end up being less hated if you were to sneak around and do it coyly.

Allies > Pussy

At the end of the day, this all circles back to the aforementioned loyalty factor, but No. 10 is slightly different than No. 1 because it factors in the concept of being alone.