Life
by Reggie Noble on April 17, 2013

Everyone knows dying a virgin is, like, the worst thing that could possibly happen. From a strikingly early age, man’s overriding desire is to fuck anything that enters his field of vision. The species isn’t going to propagate itself, you know.

Once you get that first sexual experience out of the way – and go onto have hundreds more – you start to realize something devastating. Sex is a diminishing-returns business – unless steps to make it new and interesting are taken.

With that in mind, we got to wondering if not getting your dick wet at all would be preferable to getting it very, very dry with the same person.

Our hypothetical situation, you could either give up sex for the rest of your life, or consent to doing it twice a day with, wait for it, the same person. For the rest of your life. This person is a soft 5 and is like a starfish in bed. If you chose the first option, you could masturbate to your heart’s desire.

If you chose the second option, you’re bound until one of you dies or is rendered physically incapable of participating (and you can’t kill or maim either party so don’t even try).

Which option would you choose?

The first thing to realize is that both of these scenarios are wrought with all sorts of trouble. Keeping one’s penis healthy and happy is a giant part of a man’s happiness. Either option is going to make your little guy bemused.

Let’s look at the downside to never having sex again. Obviously, there’s a loss of physical pleasure but I would argue that the mental toll it would have would be crippling. Like, think of all the bizarre things we do solely to be attractive to a perspective partner. I imagine that, once the knowledge intercourse was a thing of the past sank in, I’d rapidly gain 200 pounds and lose a tremendous amount of motivation. I don’t need that.

On the bright side, having the option to pleasure myself until the cows come home would be delightful. And I know because I currently enjoy that privilege. With the help of Microsoft Excel, I put together a helpful spreadsheet that reveals most of my orgasm-inducing activities have been of the solo variety – by a very wide margin. It’s an activity I have total control of and can participate in when I want to. Having a sexual quota with another woman, though, would be insanely stressful.

That, of course, isn’t the only problem with the daily double option. I don’t want to crush the dreams of all you younger Bros out there, but banging the same girl over and over tends to lose its luster. Sure, it’s great to have a fulfilling emotional relationship but there’s a reason why so many people make the foray into adultery. What’s unfamiliar is always more exciting.

Almost immediately, the twice-a-day option would become less a reward and more of a chore. Think about it: no matter what’s going on in your life, you’ve got to muster up the time and energy to procure and erection and throw it up there until something happens.  I’m not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but that sounds exhausting.

Even if you wanted to take a break and take care of yourself, you couldn’t enjoy it. You’d have those two tandem sessions in the back of your mind. Don’t want to run out of semen, you know.

Perhaps I’m crazy, but I’d rather not have sex at all than have it turn into some mental block. Perhaps it’s because I’ve got some good sexin’ done in my life already. Candidly, I’ve tried some weird shit (some good, some bad). If I had more things left on my Banging Bucket List, perhaps I’d be of a different opinion.

A penny for your horny thoughts.