I imagine Mario Alberto Lizalde Reyes takes pretend-laws very seriously. Every time he sees a punch buggy drive by he probably sprints over to the nearest person and ruthlessly punches them in the arm, crying out “Punchbuggy no punchbacks,” just like how whenever he farts he says “safety” so that he doesn’t get pushed into a doorknob.
I hope you know what I’m talking about, because otherwise I just sounded like a total loon.
In any case, it looks like Mario’s lifelong friend who is ALSO named Mario and whom I shall be referring to as Mario: The Sequel from here on out, forgot to call “no homo” after allegedly trying to touch Mario “in a sexual way.”
We all know you can’t just not call “no homo.”
Mario Alberto Lizalde Reyes, 25, had been walking his dog with lifelong friend Mario Hernandez Banda, 24, when the two men started arguing.
Reyes said that Banda had tried to touch him ‘in a sexual way’ in the neighbourhood of Parajes de San Isidro, in the city of Ciudad Juarez, in the north-central Mexican state of Chihuahua.
In a televised confession, Reyes said: ‘We were both drunk and he tried touching me in a sexual way.
‘After pushing him off, he went to urinate in an alley so I followed him, pulled out my gun and shot him in the head.
Quickly realizing that a stupid fucking idea THAT was, Mario allegedly decided that chopping off Mario: The Sequel’s penis and feeding it to his dog would definitely remedy the situation. By “situation” I mean “he hadn’t fed his dog in a few days,” not that Mario: The Sequel’s mutilated body was allegedly slumped over in front of him on the ground.
But because Mario’s such a great guy, he allegedly turned himself into police the next day because he felt “bad.”
A police spokesman said: ‘He came in covered in cuts and bruises and said he had fought with his stepfather when he told him what he had done.
‘He then admitting killing his best friend and said that although his friend had tried sexually assaulting him, he was still a human being and didn’t deserve to die.’
Mario now faces life in jail, which only serves as a warning to all men out there; even if you don’t think you need to, always call “no homo.” Otherwise you might end up murdered.
[H/T Daily Mail, header image via Shutterstock]