Before moving to my new place, I lived downtown for a year with two dudes, and my dinners rotated between spaghetti, candy, spaghetti with tomato sauce, and air. Now when I come home from work it’s “What do you want for dinner tonight—grilled chicken and shrimp stir fry, pork chops with mashed potatoes and asparagus, or mandarin chicken, brown rice and broccoli?” I went from eating jelly sandwiches on the reg to getting three-course meals with starter salads and gelato cookie desserts. It’s like I moved from Ethiopia to Texas. Also, the “You cook, I clean” deal is an absolute steal when there’s a dishwasher involved.
Only a nurse can suck the fun out of gummy bears.
I have to admit, it’s really refreshing to walk to my room barefoot without the fear of weed nugs and discarded soy sauce packets making their way into my sheets. The shower walls are white. The toilet flushes. The bathroom floor is totally pube-free.
Con: The No Shoe Rule
If I take more than 2 ½ steps inside our doorway with my shoes on, the “same shoes that were just on the filthy Manhattan streets,” I get mean-mugged like I just killed a puppy.
Pro: Stockpile of Supplies
I’ve gone from using newspaper pages to wipe my ass to never having to worry about running out of toilet paper, paper towels, or any of the essentials guys take for granted. She’s like the Little Mermaid. She’s got six of everything: Contact solution for days. Q-Tips for years. You want thing-a-ma-bobs? She’s got 20.
Con: Bathroom Space
Not only has she claimed 98% of the cabinet space, I basically have to schedule my shits and showers so I know ahead of time when it’s acceptable for me to use my own bathroom. She does this thing where she intentionally nudges me every time I'm brushing my teeth and I pretend I don't notice but i know it's just a passive-aggressive way of her saying “get the fuck out of my space.” I may have to start keeping my toothbrush by the kitchen sink and shitting in the garbage.
Pro: Comfy Bed
I brought the bed from my old apartment to the new place so I figured I’d get the same shitty sleep I always got, except even worse because now there’s another human involved. Wrong. She put pads and fluffy things and clouds and shit on this bed that I didn’t even know existed. It’s like sleeping on Kate Upton.
Con: Locking The Door
I know this has nothing to do with the bed so I broke my pattern, but whatever, putting three fucking locks on the door and having to open every single one of them every time I come home is gonna be a huge problem when there’s a rapist chasing me to my door. You’ve got me, baby. I lift twice a month. I can't undo the Bellagio vault lock every time I want to get in our 1-bedroom apartment.
At my old place I think I did laundry once every Olympics. Now I come home, throw all my shit in a basket, and forget about it until it’s folded neatly in the closet and ready to be worn again. I guess it’s entirely possible that she’s not even washing anything, just folding it. Whatever.
Con: Shared DVR
A man’s DVR is sacred. A man’s DVR is supposed to consist of NBA TV classic games involving their teams, 24 reruns, and the movie Con Air. A man’s DVR should NOT include any of the following: Khloe and Lamar, Say Yes To The Dress, Love It Or List It, or Tamra’s OC Wedding. (The Real Housewives of New Jersey is actually perfectly acceptable.)
Pro: Regular Sex
Sorry, she wouldn’t let me put a pic up. At the risk of her parents reading this (which I know they do), we’re 25 years old, we live together, and we’re not religious. You do the math.
Con: Jerking Off
I have yet to be alone in my new place (well, I’ve been alone but never with Internet access), so I’ve yet to do a load in my own pad. Let’s just say when she starts working nights, that first night is gonna go something like this…