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5 Reasons Why You Should NEVER Move In With Your Girlfriend

By / 07.10.14

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Every day, a perfectly good couple decides it’s time to take things to the next level and the decision to move in is on the table. The problem with moving in with a girl is that most guys have no idea what’s in store for them. When your girl has decided “it’s time to move in or I’m moving on,” it’s important that all my brothers are prepared for the horrors that come along with living with a girl.

So here it is: 5 reasons why you should wait to move in with your girl friend.

1. She has a ton of shit
Fellas, get ready because while most men only need about half of their living space to house all of their possessions, girls have so much random shit thrown all over the place people will walk into your home and think they accidentally wandered into any of the following places

  • The set of Sanford and Son
  • A clothing drive for the homeless
  • An indoor garage sale

2. She will destroy your goddamn bathroom

Remember the good old days when your bathroom’s inventory consisted of…

  • 1 bar of soap
  • 1 towel
  • 1 tube of toothpaste
  • 1 toothbrush
  • 1 roll of toilet paper that you would sit on top of the dispenser, because fuck changing out the empty cardboard tube

Well now your bathroom looks like beauty supply store that got robbed. Guys get ready for the following…

  •  Random shit left plugged in that could burn the goddamn house down
  • Hair everywhere
  • Fake hair everywhere
  • Underwear in the sink soaking (NEVER ASK A GIRL WHY!! The answer is fucked up, I promise you that much)
  • Every drawer filled to the brim with old make-up cases and nail files
  • So many razor blades laying around you will think your girl joined the cocaine all-star team

Girls treat a bathroom like illegal immigrants treat the bed of a pick-up truck, they cram as much shit in there as they can.

3. Get ready to see what your girl REALLY looks like

The good news is your girl looks beautiful; the bad news is she only looks that good because she’s able to do Hollywood special effects-level shit with make-up that would make George Lucas and Michael Bay films look like an elementary school Christmas play.

That’s right guys, your sexy, smooth skin beauty requires more time to get ready than the Apollo 13 took to launch. When it comes to getting ready to go out for the night the average Bro is as fast as lightning while the average girl is so slow by the time she’s ready, the movie you were trying to go see has been released on DVD.

Guys are shocked and amazed the first time they see their beautiful girlfriend come to bed with that awesome beauty mask which can only be made of Noxzema, face soap, cream cheese and spare concrete from Home Depot. Most guys are confused when they find out what a girls legs feel like once they miss a few shaves. As you lay there in bed in the dark with her hairy legs touching yours, most guys wonder, “Why is she wearing corduroy pants to bed….wait a minute?”. Then finally comes the knockout punch, as you lay there trying to sleep only to be awaken by the heat and vibrations generated by her random night farts. Apparently Lean Cuisines and Skinny Girl vodka pack the same punch as White Castle sliders. Girls treat farting like old people treat spare change, they collect that shit quietly and wait to unload all at once on some unsuspecting bastard.

4. She will constantly eat off of your plate

For some reason, the second you move in with your girl she can’t resist eating shit right off your plate. No matter what you’re eating you will randomly feel her hand dig through shit as though you are a waiter holding a tray of hors d’oeuvre. Even if you try to eat things she’s doesn’t like, all of a sudden your cute little girlfriend is willing to chew on an old tin can like a goddamn goat.

Girls think sharing food shows how close you are as a couple, but the truth is it just shows she’s a greedy bastard and can’t stop eating all the fucking fries at the table.  It sucks when you’re about to order dinner and a girl leans in and asks you, “Hey, are you going to get fries because if you are I’ll just have a few of yours.” Whoa, whoa, WHOA…when the fuck did I ask for a tag team partner just to handle a side dish.  Girls hate to order a lot of food because they think it makes them look greedy, so instead they use guys as camouflage and eat their food.

Guys like food and we like to enjoy it without being forced to play zone defense around the borders of the plate. Newsflash: the reason a guy orders 12 buffalo wings is because he fucking wanted all 12.

5. She will turn you into her full-time photographer

Girls take so many pictures before they go out you would think they are reporting to prison to serve a life sentence the next morning.  There is nothing sadder than seeing some dude out at a restaurant being forced to take a picture of some chick posing in front of her goddamn dessert.  What the hell is the deal with girls taking pictures of their food, it’s like they’re trying to create fat chick trading cards. The only people that should take pictures of food and post it online should be starving people in third world countries. At least that would make sense because of course they would want to prove that shit really happened.

No guy wants to take 56 pictures to document his amazing trip to the local bar. I see girls in bars yelling at each other, “Take my picture. No you take my picture. No you take mine. Ok, no do it again I don’t like it. No get my shoes in it, No get my whole body. Ok, now just my face.”  Who the FUCK is looking at these pictures later? If a girl got kidnapped the cops won’t ever say, “Excuse me but do you have 794 current pictures we could use to find her?” No one ever looks at these dumbass pictures.

There you have it my brothers, now go out there and guard your castle from these invaders.

[Image via Shutterstock]


TAGSgirlfriendsMoving in togetherRelationships
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