When it comes to the Internet, reading an article, listening to music, or watching a video is a two-step process. First, you check out the aforementioned content. Then comes the time-honored tradition that is wading through the fecal swamp known as the Comments Section. Sometimes comments genuinely have some merit; like the eyewitness who can provide insight to an objective report or the guy on RedTube who tells you that shit doesn’t get real until 24:18.
Alas, 90% of commenters are either trolls or crazy people. As a blogger/fake writer, I am all too aware of what happens when you give the common folk a voice. I could pretend that I’m above the feedback, but just like Adele with an industrial vat of fish and chips, I take it all in. Here is my list of the 7 Most Common Internet Commenters.
1. The Prejudicial Poster
It doesn’t matter what the article is about. At least one responder will slam the subject’s race, religion, nationality, or gender. It goes way beyond Blacks and Jews, too. If a Bosniak makes the news, you know damn well a Serb will be talking shit. If there’s a video of a dog going viral, some cat will be ranting about the dog-controlled liberal media.
2. Sammy Spammer
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Has anyone ever clicked here? Has the spam business ever been a worthwhile endeavor? It has to be, right? It’s been going on for so long. I like to imagine that there is some spam warehouse run by a greasy guy in a wifebeater. “Look, our FREE RINGTONES link got clicked by a 75-year-old in Des Moines, things are lookin’ up!”
3. The Shady Spammer
These just insult my intelligence. The comment seems normal, albeit a little vague. Then you notice the grammar is a tad too formal. Next thing you know it’s JUST ANOTHER SPAMMER. DON’T SHADY SPAM ME, BRO. That’s like a fat girl using a headshot in her profile picture. We all know what you’re about. I’d rather you just own it. Oh, and the real person who dishes out a compliment but then solicits a link to their blog or fratstep mixtape- you’re no better.
4. Randy Ranter
If something you read on the Internet gets you worked up, you’re a crazy person. I don’t care if the writer just wrote a 10,000 word exposé about that one time you kissed a guy in preschool- no blog post should get a reader so irate that he is compelled to fire off a diatribe in all caps. Randy Ranters typically get mad for the most inconsequential reasons. Like that lame Bosnian joke I made before, I totally see a “YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW THE PROPER TERM FOR INDIGENOUS BALKANS, GBDHFSDFHBS” –type post coming. God forbid you talk about personal preferences, such as enjoying the iPhone or eating cheese: “SORRY we can’t all afford your fancy CHINESE-BUILT smart phones or have the PRIVLEDGE of being born with LACTASE ENZYME, maybe you should be THANKFUL!” Not every post I write is strategically designed to insult you. Exception: my parents.
5. The Non-Comment
Conversely, there is the non-comment. The response that makes you question why the commenter took the time to write it in the first place.
"I like this"
“Trying too hard”
What does the fuck does “trying too hard” even mean? That sounds like some Holden Caulfield shit. Is there some international scale of effort I was not made privy to? You know who else “tried too hard”? Michael Jordan. Gandhi. Phil Collins. Don’t suck at telling me I suck.
6. The Parent Post
This is my personal favorite. Typically relegated to Facebook, you know someone over 50 is commenting because they either (a) don’t use punctuation (b) use too much punctuation (c) say something completely off-topic (d) clearly don’t know how to use the website. YOU DON’T NEED TO SIGN YOUR POST, MOM, IT SAYS YOUR NAME RIGHT THERE. AND WHY ARE YOU WRITING TO ME ON YOUR OWN WALL? Quit writing on Facebook, and get back to writing my rent checks. Ah, I’m a dick.
7. The Funny Guy
Every now and then you’ll see a reaction that is actually worth reading. These are typically the top comments on a YouTube video or the most voted up on other sites. They enrich the viewing or reading experience with a clever jab or cutting insight. Or they just repeat a line from the video and everyone clicks thumbs up. As a person whose much funnier on the internet than in person, I empathize with the funny guy.
Well, I’m expecting some good ones after this article. I’ll probably get 2.5 comments telling me I suck. Bring it on, non-commenters.
Krum is a NYC based comedian that loves being verbally dressed down by anonymous Internet commenters. Follow him on Twitter @KrumLifeDotCom
[Internet Commenter image via ShutterStock]