(Only going with the classics here, we all know Timeline sucks)
10. Duck Face
I remember reading history textbooks and constantly being creeped out by early photography. The stoic gazes of the rigid subjects; it was so unnatural. Imagine how kids in the next century take to the Duck Face?
In the wild, male animals find a suitable mate by detecting certain scents and sounds. In the human world, if a girl is perpetually blowing kisses in her profile pic, there’s a fair chance she’ll blow something else. And it’s not just the face; ladies love to go full-on duck, flapping their feathers with the sideways peace sign. However, I’d be remiss if I didn’t issue a fair warning. Duck Faces primarily flock towards–
9. Shirtless Steve
Sometimes you can’t tell a car’s quality without checking under the hood. Guidos have taken this philosophy and fist-pumped with it. For such a fiercely hetero subculture, these guys see nothing suspect with flaunting their abs and traps for the entire Internet community. If I ever awkwardly position an iPhone in the mirror, please awkwardly position a bullet in my eye.
8. The Newborn
Like that episode of Seinfeld, “You gotta see the baby!” Shockingly, some of us are not as enamored with the miracle of life as you are. if your profile picture was, say, how the baby was made, you might get a better response I, like many, go on Facebook for one thing and one thing only: slutty Spring Break uploads. If I wanted to be reminded of the soul-crushing responsibility and financial drain that is a newborn child, I would close my computer and take care of my own kid (there’s gotta be one out there somewhere)
7 .The Couple
It’s a scary social network out there, why go it alone? The Couple pic is your girlfriend’s insurance policy. Once she forces you to save the embarrassing mid-makeout default, any chance of scoring something on the side is over. It’s an electronic engagement ring. Don’t get me started on the guys who put it up voluntarily. They’ve been questionable since middle school.
Of course, the Couple need not be a heterosexual partnership. Who hasn’t seen at least three bros packed into that 600-pixel square?
The main reason Facebook bought Instagram for a billie: artsy-fartsy profile pics. L’Artiste loves to express his/her endless originality through the majesty of the default. The Sepia-Soak Rager. The Black-and-White Self-Portrait with Neon Sunglasses. The Black-and-White Self-Portrait with Neon Sunglasses at the Sepia-Soaked Rager. Bravo! Who knew Molly and Muploads produced such creativity?
5. The World Traveler
We get it. You spent six months getting shitfaced in Barcelona and now you’re born anew with a global perspective and an appreciation for all of God’s children. Something about the study abroad program seems less appealing every time I log on. Maybe because it appears there are only three activities to do outside the United States.
- If you’re in Europe, stand next to the first letter of your name at the I AMstermdam sculpture. Get it?
- Australia? Fondle a heavily-sedated tiger!
- Apparently, the sole purpose of Semester at Sea is to play with a cute impoverished child (until, of course, their village begins to depress you, then back to the boat!)
4. The Fabulous Life
Poppin’ bottles, hoppin’ out of Benzes, over-drafting your Visa balance on Miami Beach. People love to imitate the rich and famous, even on the ‘Book. Paparazzi-style snapshots straight out of Us Weekly are omnipresent. Remember to avoid eye contact with the camera, or else everyone will know you spent 15 minutes planning the picture.
3. The Halloween Costume
I know it’s June, but scroll down your friends list. I’ve seen three banana suits and I haven’t even gotten past “A”. Whether it’s a girl decked out as a slutty financial analyst or a dude breaking out that Jackie Moon uniform for the 4th year in a row, people love the Halloween default. “Look how care free and wacky I am!” I’m not impressed. Break out the “Mexican Bandito” costume to your grandma’s funeral. I’ll “Like” it before you even click “Share.”
2. The Fanboy
Nothing says dedication more than making your profile a personal shrine to LeBron. Or Eli Manning. Or Steve Buscemi. The Fanboy is the 2012 equivalent to the guy with the Steelers flag hanging off his car antennae. Or the ass tattoo of Thurman Munson. If I die today, I want to be remembered for who I was; Amar’e Stoudemire throwin’ up a peace sign with Melo.
1. Simpler Times
A true insight into the human psyche; If your doing the Simpler Times default, you can’t be happy with how your life is going. I like to reminisce as much as the next guy, but its time to move on from baby pictures. Besides, there’s something inherently creepy about In-boxing girls as a 3-year-old with a mushroom cut.
Krum is a stand-up comedian based in New York City and you can follow him on Twitter @krumlifedotcom