Today I brainstormed all of the American things I wanted to put on my calendar in celebration of being born in the most free-est goddamn country in this whole world. When I consulted my friend on the topic, her response was as follows, verbatim; “Grill and eat burgers, ride a bull and then a cowboy, wear an American flag as a shirt, watch fireworks and black out.” For the most part, I agree. Here’s a modified version of what I’ll be doing on the Fourth of July. And if you’re an American, you will too.
1. Drink (American) Beer
My initial inclination was to suggest drinking Budweiser. I mean…have you SEEN their American flag six packs? I saw a redneck get a boner just looking at one the other day. It’s like those things were MADE for the 4th of July. And Saturdays. But, I was quickly reminded that Budweiser is in fact German, and therefore entirely Un-American.
That’s why I’m promoting Miller High Life. It gives you the American look and a sense of pride. And hopefully it gives me some free beer for this. With (probably very menial) proceeds that go to US War Vets, you can, “give a veteran a piece of the high life” while focusing on nothing aside from getting day drunk. Boom.
2. Grill Out
This goes without saying, but spark up that grill—burgers, dogs…burgers... Enter a hot dog eating contest, and then enter a watermelon eating contest. Win both.
Don’t swim for at least an hour. Seriously, it’s not just an old wives tale.
3. Outfit Yourself in the American Flag
I’m a big fan of the American flag speedo, as offensive as it is. T-shirts, towels, flip flops, bikinis…whichever route you choose, don’t be out-Americaned by your posse. What are you, Canadian? That’s just f*cking embarrassing. (Shameless Brash-Brothers Plug)
4. Speak in a Southern Accent, Even If You Don’t Actually Have One
We all hate the guy who moves below the Mason Dixon and suddenly develops a southern drawl. ("Ya’ll would not be-LIEVE the ladies down here!”)
But on a day like the 4th, if breaking a rule makes you more American, embrace it. Be that guy, but way worse.
5. Recite the Pledge of Allegiance
I know it got kind of old around fifth grade when you had to say it every day, but sort of like renewing your vows, you have to reassure your country that you really do still love that beautiful b*tch. Go on, do it.
(Editor's Note: If you're looking for a sing-a-long, "Yankee Doodle Dandy" can be a real crowd pleaser, too.)
6. Buy and Set Off Illegal Fireworks
Of course you’re going to watch your hometown’s firework show.
But by god, you might as well not be a citizen if you don’t get invest in some sparklers, roman candles and that good sh*t -- whatever those really big ones are. Try to point them away from your neighbors house (unless they’re assh*les like mine).
7. Profess, No Matter How Incoherently, Your Unwavering Pride in Your Country
No, you didn’t already check this off the list in step five. I’m looking for a good old-fashioned, historically and politically incorrect rant about why in your mind, Americans are the best. Even if it makes no sense. A for Effort; and of course America.
8. Make an American Playlist
I wouldn’t suggest Googling inspiration for this one—it just recommended Miley Cyrus to me (I know, I know; party in the USA). But you should really put some thought into a long-lasting, feel good set that will keep the group happy, and most importantly, filled with national pride.
Anything with the words, “America”, “American”, “Proud”, “Freedom” or “Brave” are fair game.
9. Get wet
Whether at the beach club or in your front yard sprinklers, you just have to make a splash. I’m crafting a 100 yard slip n slide that’s red white and blue.
Alright, that was actually a lie but if anyone decides to, please call me.
10. Mow Your Lawn
I was going to suggest you mow your lawn. But you should probably just kick back on your Adirondack, and crack open a cool Miller High Life to share with the kind migrant worker who’s actually mowing your lawn. Now that, is a taste of the American dream.
11. Watch the Olympic Trials
Getting psyched up for an international competition of physical prowess? These are the people who are athletically privileged and driven enough to remind every other country why we’re the greatest, freest, f*cking best there is.
Nothing is more American than wanting to conquer the rest of the world; and god knows we will. Actually, maybe there is one thing more American...
12. Buy a Beer for an American Soldier or Veteran
Greater love hath no man than to lay down his life for a friend. The least you could do is buy the Bro (or Brah) a beer to say thanks.