Life
by Andy Moore on January 9, 2013

Anyway, based on thorough scientific calculations based on hundreds of games played and 10s of boards flipped (“STOP LANDING ON BOARDWALK YOU FUCKING ASSHAT, HAT” was a common refrain of many of our childhoods), here are the odds of each character being voted out.

(These odds don't add up at all.)

Scottie the Dog: No action

Long the favorite of little kids and many of the female Monopoly players, Scottie should be safe after opening up an unsurprising, yet very commanding, lead—33% as of 12:30 p.m. Let's face it: No one wants to get rid of the only piece the game ever bothered to name.

Car: 100-1

When you're five, you pick this so you can go “Vroom” while turning corners on the board at 2 MPH. It stays.

Ship: 50-1

Always the one I picked, and probably the one that Hasbro most wants to keep. So many cross-promotion possibilities with the Monopoly and Battleship movies, you know.

Hat: 45-1

It's currently at 13% of the voting, which is solidly middle-of-the-pack, despite its status of never being used in a single game in Monopoly history. The Pat Buchanan of this poll.

Thimble and Iron: 10-1

A perennial choice by moms who get sucked into playing. The ones who say, “Oh, this is fun to have the whole family playing together!” then get knocked out by Dad after an hour, because they “couldn't bear to have you go bankrupt if I built up the blue properties.” But can both tokens survive just off the mom vote?

Shoe: 6-1

The token of choice of the brother or sister who aspired to be either a train-hopping hobo or a clown. (A niche pick.)

Wheelbarrow: 2-1

It's currently polling at last place for a reason: In the depression, this token was a sign of prosperity, a sign that you could afford vegetables. Now, who the hell wants vegetables?

However! That's not all there is to this—again—very, very strange Monopoly promotion. You're also allowed to vote in a token from among the choices of: Cat, diamond ring, guitar, helicopter or toy robot.

We're partial to the helicopter—a sleek token that will look intimidating flying into Marvin Gardens, “Apocalypse Now” style. But what do you guys think?

Andy Moore

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