Life
by Bread Foster on June 4, 2014

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Millennials are the technology addicted, pseudo-political generation that was told there are no losers. It doesn’t matter that big and small business are both fighting for their dollar or what mom and dad told them, there are losers. Millennials are smart enough to run a proxy to hide their purchase of dodge coin but most times aren’t smart enough to realize that making a mix tape will always get you a sexual favor. We’ve all heard the term Millennials as a compliment, but guess Ωwhat, you can still learn from one generation above you. These are the things all Millennials can learn from Gen X and early members of their own generation, Gen Y.

Cheap Beer: That craft beer isn’t going to impress anyone because you could only afford to buy a 6 pack. The only thing going in your mouth is going to be that micro brew if you don’t learn to share. Yes, cheap beer tastes like crap, but something Millennials need to learn is quantity beats quality. Drinking games were invented to bring strangers together and you can’t play those with a triple hoppy IPA reserve. Learn to drink garbage so that everyone can get drunk and make friends. Besides, thanks to your ironic drinking, the price of PBR has gone up, so now you ‘re stuck with crappier beer. Who says its always the previous generation that messes things up for the next one?

YouTube Doesn’t Belong At Parties: You have iPads, iPods and 4000 songs in different 15 file formats. Take a little extra time and put together a decent play list, or let the awkward friend that you don’t want talking to girls man the music. Sitting around waiting for a youtube play list or a new viral video to buffer is not only boring, but it makes you look like an idiot for not preloading it. Try blasting Wu Tang clan then Com Truise, not only does it keep everyone happy, eventually it makes people dance.

Online Friends Aren’t Friends Until You Meet: We live in the social media era, this author for one has made a great deal of friends from twitter. Just because you talk to that person via KIK, Skype or Dms everyday, doesn’t mean they’re your real friend. Real friends not only confide in each other verbally, but they meet up too. The show CatFish was invented for a reason, until you’ve met @Pizzakylee, @superjewguy @Merican_Man, @JoePro4 or @MagicalMrE they aren’t your friend, they’re a possible identity thief.

Read Before You React: You all remember #Kony2012? The uproar that everyone freaked out? The one that ended with the white guy who started it masturbating behind a dumpster? Do you remember that annoying Lindy West who tried to ruin comedy for everyone? It’s much easier to hit “Share” and be pseudo-offended without actually doing any research into what the hell is going on. Everyone wants to look like they care, but lets be honest, you don’t. Instead of hitting share and restating someone else’s opinions, do a little research. God knows this author could write an article called “USA Starting War with Eritrea and You’ll Never Guess What Happens Next” then have the entire article just say “No one actually read this” and it would still get the blogosphere pissed at Obama.

You’re Not Special: If your jaw hangs down any lower from reading that, someone is going to jam an organ in there. Sorry Millennials, you’re not special. It doesn’t matter what anyone has told you, there are billions of people on earth and you’re insignificant. Carl Sagan turned the Voyager satellite around to remind us that we’re an insignificant blue dot in the universe, accidentally creating the worlds first selfie. The first selfie was to remind us how stupid and small we all are, and that how you should feel every time you post one.

Bread Foster is a NYC comedian who is borderline Millennial. Follow him on twitter, or don’t he’s not that important @BreadFoster

[Millennials image via ShutterStock]

Bread Foster

About Bread Foster...

Bread Foster got a degree but rolled a joint with it instead of using it. He's a NYC comedian but a multinational drunk. He enjoys sharing his insanity with the Internet even though it constantly gets him in trouble.