NASA
Fuck planets, dawg. Just floating up there, circling the Sun, full of bullshit and molten iron. Fuck ’em, I say. They’ve gotten too complacent. Not even worrying if America is about to fuck ’em with a space probe right to the dome piece.
Well, that’s about to fucking change, because we are about to send a message to the WHOLE DAMN SOLAR SYSTEM.
That’s right, we’re gonna crash a robot into Mercury and put the rest of the Universe on blast. Venus, we coming for you. Mars, you’re already our bitch. Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune? We will fuck you up whenever the fuck we want.
From Space.com:
NASA’s MESSENGER probe, which has been circling Mercury since March 2011, is nearly out of fuel and will say goodbye with a dramatic death plunge on April 30, provided that one final orbit-raising maneuver scheduled for April 24 goes as planned, mission team members said.
DEATH PLUNGE TO YOUR CRATERED PIMPLE FUCK FACE MERCURY. The craft is gonna barrel into the planet, hitting its surface at, oh, 9,000 mph, which should make a fifty-foot wide crater.
Imagine if another planet did that to us? We’d be pissed. We’d go to war. BOMB Em. F your dick, Neptune, we’ll will nuke your face for that.
It’s okay that we are doing it, though, because it is in the name of science.
MESSENGER’s grave could help researchers better understand Mercury’s rates of space weathering, which tends to turn bright, freshly exposed materials dark, Solomon said.
A space probe that’s heading to Mercury in 2024 will look for the crater and see what has happened in the nine years after.
The BepiColombo team “will be looking for signs of this crater, and if they can make measurements of it, they will know precisely how long that region has been exposed to space,” Solomon said. “That will be an important study that comes a decade from now,” he added.
MESSENGER will be gone, but not forgotten, for it brought us reams of information about the planet closest to the sun.
MESSENGER has achieved a great deal during its time at Mercury. For example, the probe’s observations have helped scientists construct the best-ever maps of the planet, and MESSENGER confirmed that carbon-containing organic compounds and water ice exist inside the permanently shadowed craters near Mercury’s poles.
Thank you MESSENGER. Now to send your last message. A message of certain death, if any planet wants to fuck with us in the future.