Sorry to spoil the surprise, but that’s not the end of this fun post you stumbled upon whilst traipsing across cyberspace. It’s only the beginning of what I hope will be a xenophobic journey into the masturbatorial habits of dudes WORLDWIDE. Yes, because now we have data on who everyone searches for on the website Sex (dot) com. (Which is NSFW, but if you needed me to tell you that, you probably also need help opening your sodas.)
Okay, first off, worldwide. The top three searches were for Alexis Texas; Lisa Ann (who is of Nailin’ Palin fame and is not actually that attractive and should not be masturbated to by anyone) and Selena Gomez (who is not a pornstar, but people are stupid and think if they go to SEX DOT COM maybe that site will have naked photos of celebrities no one else does) (A man can dream).
Wanna look at some country-specific stats? Of course you fucking do.
AMERICA! (Where else would we go to first?)
1. Alexis Texas; 2. Scarlett Johansson 3. Abella Anderson (Who I’ve never heard of and BRB.)
(Okay. I’m back. She is a Latina. Does this mean that the changing demographics of America have finally trickled down to pornography? Or that white American males are trying to better understand the invading culture by masturbating to it? “Now that I have ejaculated to your women, I feel some common ground on immigration reform can be achieved.” Maybe! I don’t know.)
Where should we go next? Ha, you can’t answer that. This post has already been published. Stupid
UKRAINE! (Hey, it’s been in the news lately)
1. Alexis Texas; 2. Nikki Minaj (See! They love the West. Back the fuck off, Russia. Their masturbation has been American-ized. Speaking of Russia, when they aren’t cranking up the war machine, what are they cranking to?)
RUSSIA! (In Soviet Russia, blog post of most popular pornstars worldwide reads you.)
1. Caprice; 2. Camille Crimson; 3. Alan Stafford (who is a dude, Russia. Perhaps all that physical violence against gays is an outward manifestation of inner shame about the complexities of your own sexuality? Or Russian women watch a lot of porn? (That’s something that could also be plausible.)
Also, I’d never heard of Camille Crimson, but she is in the rotation now! If you are wondering what my rotation is (SHUT UP OF COURSE YOU ARE), it’s Jenni Lee, Alexis Texas, Faye Reagan, Madison Scott, Tori Black, Mia Malkova and the just recently added Lexi Belle. I expect big things from Lexi Belle, in terms of her being someone who I haven’t jacked off to before but now will.
High honors for that lady. Hope she lives up to them.
Continuing with our theme of countries undergoing internal revolutions, who is LIBYA stroking it to?
1. There are no pornstars on Libya’s list.
The top results was the actress Kat Jennings, which led me—through searching adult sites—to Sindee Jennings. Sindee Jennings is hot and I will masturbate to her tomorrow morning (why THE FUCK am I being forced to write this post at the office? I could be suffocating under my own spooge if I was at home).
Speaking off human rights abuses, does CHINA spank it to Chinese people?
No! Their top search is a white woman, Shay Laren, which means 42 years later, much like with the U.S. and its distrust of politicians, Nixon’s effects are still being felt.
Should we look at a totally random country? If you don’t want to, bail now, because we’re going to BOLIVIA.
Bolivians love Tori Black. As they should, because Tori Black is fantastic. Good work, Bolivia. You are not on David Covucci’s porn-habits shit list.
Hey, let’s jump (not physically, but by internet jet (interjet?)) across the Atlantic and see what women African men like to masturbate to.
STOYA! Well done Burkina Faso, whatever and wherever you are.
Milena Velba, who is one of those girls with ginormous fake tits. Chad would. Guys named Chad love fake tits.
Ava Addams, whose complexion makes me think she might be an Arab, which also makes Egypt one of the few countries that doesn’t masturbate to white women. DEATH TO AMERICA.
In conclusion, this was an enjoyable blog post to write about the porn watching habits of this planet, which all of us so fondly call home.
See the full map at Sex(dot)com
[Pornstar via Shutterstock]