We love it when our readers send us our stuff. Absolutely love it. Today this jumbled e-mail came over the mojo wire. We swear it sounds like it was written by His Highness himself, The Dude from The Big Lebowski. The e-mail details a half-baked conspiracy theory about why exactly marijuana is illegal. Spoiler alert: It has something to do with the lumber industry. We've republished it below in something close to its original form, with very few spelling and grammatical changes.
So first I'l start this off by saying I did not post this is the forum section for two reasons. One, the website won't let me make a username, and two, I feel that this theory I am about to present to you is great enough to be presented to the original Bro's of Brobible themselves. So here it is (and yes Im aware its long but I assure you, it is 100% worth your time):
I have a theory that i am writing down because i will forget this. Marijuana was originally made illegal by the lumber industry because the value of hemp( the material found inside marijuana stems, used for various items such as food, clothing,furniture, and more) became so high that it threatened the lumber industry. In defense, the lumber industry lobbyists were able to ban the hemp plan because of the "adverse" affects it can give you. So one may believe that the reason scientists say that marijuana is harmful is because the lumber industry pays them. So this can bring one to the conclusion that can bring one to believe weed isnt harmful. But would the lumber industries in the United States be able make the whole world believe that marijuana is bad for you? Seems impossible right? Well not really, if you think about it. All the lumber industry here had to do is to follow a few steps:
1.) Get american scientists that are corruptible and corrupt them by bribing them( believe it or not, there are plenty of Walter Whites out there). So these scientists will begin to use the technology and knowledge of there time to prove that marijuana is harmful.
2.) After bribing a few scientists in the US other desperate scientests and politicians would join for the money. But still very few, all these maybe 15 "experts" had to was tell there expert friends and show them the evidence;the politicians would just tell friends, politicians and not, about how scientists are saying marijuana is harmful. Now that politicians know, after years of people listening to politicians eventually the media will soon find out. Once the media blows it up, all though the media back in that time was nothing like it is today, the whole of the US will know. And the concerned mothers who found out through their politician friends would start to worry about there kids using it, and then would start to tell their friends and how they know politicians personally who have spoken about this.
3.) eventually legislature is passed to ban the use and selling of the marijuana and hemp plant. Now for the rest of the world.
4.) now the whole world is wondering why marijuana is illegal in the US, the country of the free.Scientists from around the world here about this and ask there scientist friends is america what they found in here studies. After finding out the americans are taking bribes, the american doctor then follows orders and tells the foreigner that he can get a big deal of money for doing what we did. So now the whole world is convinced that marijuana is harmful and it is made illegal.
5.) now lumber industries from around the world have successfully joined in with the americans, and convinced the whole world to make weed legal.
6.) in order to keep this for a long time they pay the scientists until they retire and then make sure they don't talk about what they did.They would then find more scientist as years go on.
7. now how do the long term symptoms and short term symptoms actually occur if its all bs? Well thats because it isn't.the scientists who researched it were able to find information that made them able to make the plant seem harmful. My theory is that marijuana makes you in a state that makes you lightly dream while simultaneously just as a wake and fully conscious of your surroundings. Now that would explain everything. In dreams you have short term memory and you are in a relaxed state. The hunger could just be an adverse effect from a different chemical that affects your body In a way that makes you become hungry. Which is not harmful but can be helpful in many ways. The chemical that makes you dream can account for all the other weird affects. The more you intake the more you fall into a dream like state. Which is why people who smoke a lot at one time and aren't use to it can get panic Attacks, which are usually recalled as feeling like a dream. Meaning you got so "high" that you were in a dream state. And duh it makes you tired because you are already dreaming.This can also explain why you cant overdose, because you simply cant overdose from dreams, at least that we know of. Now the long term affects, cancer not being on of them. Dreaming too often couldnt be good, and because your memory in dreams is short term, it somehow affects your overall memory. Thus proving that it is possible that weed is not harmful.
This is all pure conjecture and a conspiracy theory and nothing more.
I'm not trying to poke holes in your theory man, but I don't think the lumber industry has the political lobbying power you think they have in 2012. We're not trying to build a trans-continental railroad here where valuable land is needed to chop down trees for telephone poles and railroad ties. Hell, if anything the lumber industry (in reality, the entire agriculture industry) would probably profit greatly from legalized ganj just because farmers and foresters typically ample land to grow it on, thus putting them in a very powerful position to controlling the market's supply side.
But thanks for sending! If you have an entertaining WHATEVER, hit us up.