I was hell bent on calling it a day and then this honest-to-God tragedy came across the blotter. I just had to share. Sixty-one-year-old Bulgarian Zaprian Lozanov (pictured above) and his friend, 43-year old Lyubomir Todorov, were at Lozanov's flat tossing back some bevs, just getting absolutely hammer-time, and enjoying their day. You know, as Bros do. Then something unexpected happens; Todorov, a self-proclaimed martial arts expert (he and Steven Seagal have something in common), catches eyes with a samurai sword and the rest, as they say, is history. By "rest" I mean, Lozanov's pen*s... because Johnny Martial Artist got a bit loose with his technique.
According to Lozanov the unfortunate accident of all unfortunate accidents went like this:
"He told me he was a martial arts expert -- he was whizzing it around his head. I went to try and take it off him before he caused an accident -- and then he slashed it in front of me. I thought he'd missed but then I felt a burning pain and collapsed. He'd sliced the sword through my trousers and lopped off my pen*s."
That isn't even the best part. Lozanov lobbied and begged to keep his friend from being put in jail. All he wants Todorov to do is get a f*cking job so that he can buy him a new prick. Heart of f*cking gold this guy has. Todorov was given a six-year sentence for taking your dick and then you, the dickless wonder, have the means to forgive him? I'm floored right now. And torn. I mean, would you save your friend from jail if he accidentally cut your dick off?
Of his kind actions to spare his friend Lozanov said, "People tell me I was noble to get him released but I want him to get a job so he can pay the compensation I am due. There is nothing I can do to change what has happened -- it's in the past. I just hope now that, by helping him, it will help me." Well if that hack can't find a way to rub two nickels together and get you a new dick then you'll just have to dust off the old samurai sword and... sell it on Ebay. (Note: I went the other way with this one because cutting the guy's dick off won't make his grow back. Plus, you need to be like a expert martial artist to do that anyway.)