This makes for a funny headline, sure, but Robert Gabriel Gernot (of Port St. Lucie) did as any reasonable man would do. You can't perform at your best with an a**hole full of sh*t. You think MJ took the court holding in a fierce Wheaties dump? Hell no. Sitting on a couch with massive turd in your ass is tough enough as it is, performing at the highest level -- for Robert this would be backyard fisticuffs with his neighbor-- is near impossible. So I say, "good job, good effort."

According to the TC Palm

What could be called the case of the post poop planned posterior pummeling played out June 17 on Monterey Way in Port St. Lucie, recently released records state. Robert Gabriel Gernot, 54, ultimately was arrested on a misdemeanor assault charge.

"When I get done taking a (poop), I am going to kick your (expletive) (buttocks)," Gernot is quoted as telling a 40-year-old neighbor.

Gernot, of Monterey Way, initially told a St. Lucie County Sheriff's deputy the neighbor came to his home and began a conversation.

"I told him I was in a bad mood and didn't want to talk," Gernot is quoted as telling a deputy. "He threatened to beat my (buttocks)."

Gernot told the deputy he didn't feel afraid, but wanted the deputy to tell the neighbor not to bother him that day.

Meanwhile, the neighbor told a deputy he planted a plant in Gernot's mother's yard.

"I gave Gernot a beer and cigarette," the neighbor told a deputy. "He started calling his mother a dirty whore."

The moment I read this tale of heroism all I could think about was @dadboner because this is a classic Karl Welzein power move if I ever saw one. If you're not familiar with Karl's work, I apologize for the reference, but he's a bold flavor man from way back who holds going to the john in the highest regard and sometimes above all else. There must be some kind of blood relation here.