Aspen Man Shows Up To Court With Stuffed Owl As His Lawyer That He Bought From A Blind Kid Outside Courtroom

Ok, so he never bought it from blind Billy in 4C for a sack of marbles and a few baseball cards, but he did place a fuzzy horned owl on the defense table during his court appearance Tuesday.

The Aspen Times reported that Charles Abbott, 67, was in court to address a restraining order placed on his after he beat the shit out of his roommate at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting back in May of last year. Abbott went to the victims home to collect a few of his belongings, which I’m pretty sure is a no-no when a restraining order is in effect. Not that I’m an expert on restraining orders or anything, but I was still obsessed with my ex-girlfriend for a few years after we broke up.

So instead of paying egregious amounts of money for a lawyer, Abbott decided to take the more cost-effective route of hiring a stuffed bird as his public defender. Naturally.

“He’s a very sensitive guy, has law degrees from Yale, Harvard and Stanford,” Abbott told Pitkin County Court Judge Erin Fernandez-Ely. “I think he’ll be able to represent me before a public defender comes online.”

Mr. Abbott’s just taking the big dick of the Law and cock-slapping the judicial system in the face. Brave man.

SHOCKER: The hearing ended with the restraining order still in place.

Do your fucking job for once, stuffed owl.

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[H/T Aspen Times]

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.