Life
by Victoria McKenzie on October 12, 2012

Overexposure to such living conditions results in immunity and obliviousness of the catastrophe that is your apartment until your girlfriend/friend with benefits/slampiece calls and says she is on her way over. Suddenly, everything comes into focus. Since you don’t have a medical mask on hand to offer her, your mind starts racing as you calculate the amount of time it takes for her to get to your place in comparison to the time needed to clean. It’s looking like fifteen to twenty minutes. Game. On.

Remember when you were a kid and would play that game where the floor was hot lava? To avoid imminent death, you would hop from couch pillow to couch pillow avoiding all contact with the floor. Fast forward fifteen to twenty years and you are the world champion. You don’t even know whether you have wooden floors or carpet. Avoiding the bedroom landmines of dirty boxers, condom wrappers, old pizza boxes and smelly gym clothes doesn’t really put girls in the mood. Since you’re limited on time, scoop up that massive heap of clothes and toss it in a closet. Your mom or stage five clinger will get to it on Sunday. Collect all the trash in a garbage bag and actually throw it out. Next, close all of your dresser drawers; this is not a scene from 1982’s Poltergeist. Lastly, use some Febreeze because even if the mess is hidden, the smell will linger.

Maybe you have an inexplicable attachment to your Kate Upton poster and I get that. Like a child’s blanket or teddy bear, Kate’s poster has always been there for you on nights when you’re… lonely. On lonely nights, I sometimes cuddle with the teddy bear Santa gave me when I was three but do I bring him to bed with me when a guy is over? No, I do not. Assuming that you haven’t had the poster professionally framed and mounted, carefully remove it from your wall and store in a safe place.

While you’re tucking Kate away for your next lonely night, make sure you have hidden all signs of other girls as well. The forgotten undergarment of a previous lady visitor is not going to be a fun topic to explain. She won’t believe that it is from your roommate’s girl. In fact, that just raises more questions than it answers. If you keep thongs as trophies, tuck those little victories away for the night. One of the frats at my college had a wall of bras that they collectively gathered throughout their four years of sexcapades. One more year and they probably could have opened their own Victoria’s Secret. Hilarious? Yes. A turn on? Not especially.

You just hit the five minute mark. Your room is pristine, but don’t forget about the bathroom. Unless the girl you’re with has a bladder of steel, this ground is bound to be covered at some point. Toilet seat down, wipe down the sink, put a roll on that continuously empty toilet paper holder and you’re good to go. Bonus points if you have hand soap and mouthwash handy.

You’re done cleaning up and ready to get down and dirty. Have a fun. ;)
Xo, McKenzie

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