Life
by Fitz E Fresh on March 12, 2014

JENNETTE McCURDY at Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards

Submit your Ask a Babe questions at the bottom of the page.

Q: So I’m graduating high school in three months and I recently found out this girl I’ve had a thing for for a really long time likes me, but she’s super shy and never really makes an effort. According to her friends, she was convinced that I didn’t like her, so I made it pretty obvious that I l did. Anyways, things got super awkward and she says she doesn’t want to do anything since I’m graduating soon, but she literally lives like three houses down the road. I really like this girl and don’t know what to do.

A: Something about this situation smells a little fishy. Definitely the fact that you’ve yet to graduate from high school…so there’s that. Second of all, I sense that the stench is coming from her BFF’s who are planting the “like” seed for no apparent reason. And finally, I’m reminded of the 1998 hit classic, ‘Can’t Hardly Wait.’ Which, if you haven’t seen or heard of, you’re definitely missing out and should recover that VHS from your sisters closet—but it can basically be summarized in modern-day lingo as a “YOLO”-themed flick. Capiche?

Now onto your actual conundrum. While in my college years and subsequent time I’ve had the wherewithal to decline romantic opportunity based on the inconvenience or impracticality of it, a high school girl will rarely, if ever, display the same rationality. Meaning, no high school girl is going to pass up an opportunity at young love, lost virginity and whatever else you kids are up to these days just because you’re crunched for time. Especially if you’re neighbors who can sneak into each others windows at 2 a.m. That’s hot. But it doesn’t sound like she’s into it.

Then again, I’ve been wrong before (only intentionally) and to bring this full-circle, YOLO. That term annoys the shit out of me, but if it truly applies to any specific time period, it’s probably high school. No regretz.

Q: Dear wise Babe,
I always like reading the ask a babe posts, solid responses and you keep us bros well informed. This has left me wondering what a smart, and funny woman like yourself looks like. I was wondering what area code (face 1-9, would you fuck her 1/0 and body 1-9) you’d give yourself. I realize you’ll probably give yourself the 1 on the area code. For the 2nd and last question I was wondering how you would describe yourself in college. Were you the smoke guys were drooling over? Or that average looking chick whose really cool but no ones trying to fuck?

A: Welp. I can’t tell if I should be insulted or flattered on this one. That whole area code mathematical equation really took me a second to grasp and once I did, my impulse response was, A/s/l? They seem like pretty comparable ways to cut to the chase and have someone be 100% (dis)honest to a total stranger. You can really get to know a person by how they describe themselves via the internet. Like on that show, To Catch a…Person? The name escapes me.

So, pushing your chat roulette lingo aside, I’ll take a stab at it his personal assessment. If I were to describe myself, in a word, elegant. In a rapper’s term, a bad bitch. Were I an animal, I’d be a puma or some other type of safari cat. In a drink, I’d be a fine wine—I start out intoxicating and delicious, and only get better. My tombstone will probably say, “she was a motherfucking renegade.” No name will be necessary; everyone will just know.

But yeah. To answer your quasi-perverse inquiry, I do pretty well for myself. Always have. I, for one, give credence to the concept of “getting it from your mama,” and at 60 years old, my mother still absolutely crushes it. It’s a gift. That’s all I’m giving up, unless you’ve got something good in exchange.

Not trying to paint a better visual for your spank bank, ya sick fuck.

Q: My girlfriend, who I am crazy for, probably will marry, has a pretty good body. I love it. Her ass is great, but it could get more shape to it. How do I approach her about getting more squats in at the gym?

A: I’m sorry—what I’m picking up on here is you critiquing the (self-proclaimed) future mother of your children for having sub-par buns. Is that right? That’s what we’re doin’ here? Well, you shoulda said so. Unless you look like goddamn Christian Bale, which I have my serious doubts about, I’m gonna need you to go ahead and shut the fuck up. If we’re going tit-for-tat here, I’d assume she probably thinks your dick could get more girth to it… but I doubt she’d admit it while seeking advice from an anonymous source. Or maybe she already has?

And don’t try to say I’m overreacting here, because I’m not. I’m standing up in the name of your future wife’s honor. And even if you didn’t mean it to be as grossly condescending as it came out—which, by the way, it pretty much did—don’t say her ass is great, then come back with some bullshit followup like, “it could get more shape to it.” I bet your girlfriends booty is great. I don’t mean in the sense that it looks like Giselle’s (or Kate Upton’s…I know how you kids love Kate Upton.), strutting down the catwalk, but in the sense that it’s what God gave her. And she probably worked both her literal and figurative ass off at the gym to get where she is now—and for that, I say mad props to your girlfriend.

You go, girl. Good for you for making the best of what you got, and god bless you for dating the hyper-critical douche you’re about to marry.

Q: So last year I was engaged to the girl I thought was the one. We had to deal with long distance, by long distance I mean only four hours apart. We did our best to see each other as much as we could. Just before I came home for spring break she cheated on me with her ex, but didn’t tell me until I left to go back to school. Naturally this devastated me beyond belief, and now I’m too afraid to even talk to other girls because I don’t want to be hurt like that ever again. What should I do to get my confidence back up and pursue a relationship again?

A: See, guy from question before? Some people have it A LOT worse than you. flabby butt, cheating wife… Anyways, not trying to rub salt in the wound, guy who asked this question.

Tough break, kid. It’s probably hard to hear, but it’s obvious that in the long run with this one, you got a get-out-of-jail-free pass. The last thing you’d want would be to make it down the aisle before realizing she was a lying, unfaithful piece of shit. Such is life, but don’t let it get your confidence down. She is the loser here—not you—so don’t lose sight of that. I don’t suggest jumping head first into the waters of dating, as you probably have some scars that need healing. Avoid stressing yourself out and instead, focus on taking time for yourself. Do the things you enjoy, go to the places you love, and perhaps along the way you’ll run into an eligible candidate who shares those same interests. Not all is lost, and you’re still young. Delete your cheating girlfriends number from your phone and forget she ever existed. She will not forget you.

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