This next story confirms my notion that you can launch beer cans at moving cars and accost police officers in France without getting arrested.
Last semester I studied abroad. In case you don’t know cops are way more lenient everywhere compared to America. So one day I was day drinking all day with a buddy and three girls who were over there with us. As we continued to drink the girls made us dinner and after we went out to a party.
By the time we got out of the subway to get to the party I was blacked out and I had decided to buy a 20 pack for everyone (that’s what they sell. Retarded, right?). Well, I came to find out the next day from everyone that I was walking (barely stumbling) in the street throwing beers at cars and yelling at them like a crackhead, homeless man -- always the beginnings of a solid night.
The cops eventually came and a girl I had been hooking up with went and talked to them while I sat on the curb and drank beer. The cops didn’t speak English, which was great for me because I kept saying things like “You cheese-eating surrender monkeys gonna let me go yet?” and “How does it feel that we saved your f*cking ass in every war so far you god damned fairies?” I know this because there was a video my buddy took and yes I was in France.
The cops told us if we went home we wouldn't get in trouble so we went back to the girls' place. Next thing I know it's 7 a.m., my pants down, the girl is completely nekked and I’m covered in piss. For that matter, so was her bed and everywhere near it. I'm notorious for peeing the bed when I blackout so I instantly knew it was me. Obviously I did the honorable thing and got dressed, grabbed what was left of my beer, and got the f*ck out of there.
At that point I was still drunk enough to not care that I was riding the subway without any shoes, my shirt completely unbuttoned, and a huge wet, piss stain on my pants. For the next 30 minutes I sat next to a homeless guy on the train and drank with him the whole ride home. The shame started setting in when I realized it was a Thursday morning, the train was packed with people going to work, and no one would sit by the guy without shoes who pissed himself that, oh by the way, was also sharing a beer with a homeless man who hadn't showered since the Clinton administration. Talk about a low point.
A couple of days later the girl whose bed I pissed texted me asking about what happened. Apparently she was a little fuzzy on some things herself. My response was “I'm not really sure, we might have hooked up but I blacked out around midnight and I’m pretty sure you pissed on me…” She did my laundry that day.
And now our final tale...
I'm a photographer, and every now and then the "assignment" I get is for a working girl (str*pper) wanting to advertise herself on some websites and she needs better photos...
Some of those ladies are a bit on the rough side... but the town I live in has a college AND a university, and every now and then gold appears...
This is one of those times...
A new university student wanted to make some extra money to help get through school, and contacted me for photos. We had discussed what she wanted from those images, and then spent the better part of 45 minutes with various poses, etc.
Just when I think we're done, she says "there is one more shot I need -- I want a shot of me with a dick in my mouth, and seeing you're the only guy here that will be you."
A**hole left us with a cliffhanger. Did he just work up a chub for the sake of capturing a timeless photo or did this harlot have the decency to polish it off/ride it into the night for him? I'm DYING to know how this ended.
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