We have a lot on tap this week -- four stories in total -- so I'm going to skip the game of grab ass and just remind you to send your Hook-Up Heroes stories in here. 

Fat chicks really can't catch a break, is all I'll say about this week's first story.

OK, this unfortunate story happened my freshman year in college. My buddy Drew was trying to hook up with this girl (total trash), and we decided to go down to his shore house because no one was there for the weekend. So he invites his lady and she says she’s going to bring her friend (also big sl*t) so I am very excited to hear that. So we make our way burn cruising down the parkway and Drew gets a text from his girl saying that her friend couldn’t make it anymore but she was going to bring someone else. I naturally was very disappointed because that chick was a big ol' hoe. So they arrive after us and to my misfortune the friend is not the greatest-looking girl around.

My natural reaction was to drink heavily because of disappointment and if anything were to happen I would have to be real banged up. So we are playing Kings and Never Have I Ever comes up. Drew gets me with the Never Have I Ever had an*l and I had to put my finger down, which led to disgust from the girls. They keep talking about how gross it is blah blah and how they would never do it.

So it gets later in the evening and Drew goes back with his sl*t to the bedroom and the friend and me are stuck sleeping on the pullout couch. For some reason this b*tch decides to take Adderall for the first time cuz she was a bit tired. This will come back later in the story. So I was real banged up and this girl was really trying to hook up so I said f*ck it and went for it.

She is giving me dome (bigger girls do great head) and then she stops and she brings up the an*l thing again. She says she's never done it but she had lube in her bag and so naturally I suggested we try it. So I put on this "lube" and start getting after it.

It’s going good and whatnot and then I start getting a bit of a burning sensation down low. I didn’t know what was going on and hoped it would pass, but it did not. It actually got a lot worse. It got "MY DICK HAS CAUGHT FIRE" worse. Finally it gets to the point where it's unbearable and I say I got to go to the bathroom. 

So I run in and put my dick in the sink for like 10 minutes till it goes away. I come out of the bathroom and she is doing the same thing with the sink in the kitchen, only she was extinguishing her a**hole. So I asked her what the f*ck was that and we look at the lube. This fat b*tch gave me heating massage oil. It was one of the more unpleasant experiences I've had in my life.

After that all I wanted to do was go to sleep and pretend this never happened, and here’s where the Adderall comes back. This girl was f*cking wired. Sleeping was the absolute furthest thing from her mind. So as I try to sleep she keeps talking to me and I am just ignoring her up to the point where she just started blowing me. She woke me up three times to bl*wjobs. Normally I wouldn’t complain but I was just traumatized and needed this night to be over.

Next morning my buddy Drew wakes up and I tell him about the whole ordeal and how he owes me big for being his wingman. He kept banging his chick for a while and from that day on her and her friends would call me Fuego…

If we were handing out awards, this next one would sweep the horror genre for this week.

All of us know very well that getting laid during Welcome Week is like shooting fish in a barrel. One night during it, I brought a girl home (two miles away) based on the preface that I could "outcuddle" her. That cuddling last for about four seconds until we finally started hooking up.

When we were going at it, after about five minutes I noticed my condom fell off so I began a frantic search to find it again. After searching the bed, I began to fish around inside her for further investigation. In a drunken discoverer's ecstasy I stumbled upon something so I pulled it out as fast as I could. It was a very dark room and from what I could tell it was just a glow-in-the-dark bracelet. So I tossed it in the trash, put on a new condom, and we finished our business.

The next morning I wake up to a crime scene. There was blood all over my boxers, hands, and bed. It wasn't until the girl woke up that I realized I didn't accidentally stab her to death in my sleep. Noting the blood, she freaked out and ran home in just a T-shirt and shoes. I later figured out that what I thought was a glow-stick bracelet was in fact a NuvaRing, and the blood was from me ripping out so violently.

In shame, she now tells people all the blood was from her losing her V-Card and not from a drunken idiot who wanted to rave.

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