Thank you for coming into my life and providing something that both my girlfriend/girls in my life can both agree on with such enthusiasm. When my girlfriend started talking about “down dog” and “baby cobra,” I thought she had started watching some Far East porn, which I gotta say, I wasn’t upset about that. Then I learned these were yoga terms. When she first started saying things like “I just need some Yoga,” I was like oh, this is like when she does that juice cleanse thing to erase the fact she blacked out and ate pizza last night and due to lack of nourishment was not pleasant to deal with. Then she started going on the reg...
At first, I was freaked out, like she was turning into one of these Teva wearing, all nat-u-ral hippie dippie girls. But no, she was learning to treat her body as a temple and, unlike the 7th day of juice-clensing, this only got better with time, like a fine wine. I was happy to worship it and all supporters of this fine art form.
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Let’s first start with the attire. Form fitting sweatpants that fit like a glove and girls are like “omg I live in my Lulus." Well then, I live to get you out of the Lulu’s. Thank you, Ms. Lemon, wherever you are, for taking something as simple as a legging and turning into the trendiest, leave-as-little-to-the-imagination “lounge” wear that has ever graced the planet. Now, Bros, the poses mentioned above contort the body, which I’ll get into later. Due to this, the clothing has to be tight, so even the in dead of winter we can count on yoga studios to shows us as much skin as a mid-summer night’s music festival. At the very least, it's close enough for mid-February.
Now as mentioned above there are few places on this earth that girls will willingly bend over and twist their bodies in such positions, other than the practice of yoga and frat houses worldwide. This is another reason I love it. From backbends to downward dog split to reverse warrior, it’s like watching a Lil Jon video in slow motion. A girl who does yoga meets means a freak in the sheets.
As I’ve learned there are various types of yoga, my favorite being “hot yoga.” In which people -- and by people I mean chicks who shop exclusively at Whole Foods and juice cleanse like it’s going out of style -- sign up to go in a room a sweat in their skin tight clothes while downward dogging. Need I say more as to why I love this art-form?
Lastly, Yoga is more than just a practice it’s a lifestyle of Namaste-ing and being one with your body or some shit. More broadly, I’ve done my research on the yoga babe (as much research as an average Bro does, so by that I mean I’ve overheard convos from chicks leaving yoga at the gym as I’m talking to my bros about the weights I’m about to crush, before actually crushing them). From what I gather it’s highly popular amongst the girls who blackout on daddy's dime on Saturday night, and then feel like “I just need to get back to me” on Sunday.
From what I gather, yoga girls are always grabbing some fro-yo post yoga class to talk about that “d-bag” who didn’t text them back after he slept with her and took advantage of her “practice,” but their new bangin' yoga bod, will "totes get him back." I mean come on, it’s fro yo - it’s pro-biotics - don’t forget the cookie dough bits, you deserve it. Whatever girl, I’m just glad we can both agree that yoga is something you and I both need, in fact I care so much about this practice and you doing it that I’m going to get you classes at your favorite studio. Fuck it, I love it so much I’ll even get some classes for myself. Maybe I’ll meet some girls, who treat their bodies like the temple it is. Happy Valentine’s Day.