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What Should You Do When Your Long Distance Girlfriend Comes to Visit Your Cheating Ass at College?

By / 01.23.13

Q: So I've been out of the dating game for three years, and now I'm just starting a relationship with a girl from my hometown (but we go to school in the same state). Since I haven't been dating in college, I've been hooking up with girls at my very small school and my new GF is coming to visit next week. 

How do I keep her from dealing with some of the more sour women I've messed with, while still showing her off and having a good time?

A: When it comes to this sort of situation, you just have to use your bullshit filter on all of the drama/drunk bitches/haters and enjoy yourself. Take her to your favorite spots, introduce her to your favorite people and ignore the shit out of everyone else- especially if they're a potential downer to a great weekend. Make sure you have the appropriate support system to make her feel comfortable and welcome–aka non-threatening, chill girlfriends and any close friends she may have already met/heard of. She may get a beer “accidentally” poured on her head, which would suck…but if and when it happens, you dismiss it as some drunk bitch and use it as an excuse to take her home and ease her…mind. Know that it's probably just as stressful for her as it is for you, so relax and enjoy yourself and in turn she'll do the same.

Q: Do girls play stupid with electronics to be cute? My GF has a Master's but she can't switch the TV to watch a movie without my help. None of these are new gadgets she isn't familiar with, so how does she get along without a guy around? When she asks me how to delete Facebook photos or record shows, for some reason it drives me nuts. Not a very smart breaux here, but is she being cute or is she retarded?

A: As a non-breau (genetically speaking, at least) I don't find that cute at all. In your girlfriends situation retardation is definitely a possibility– Tivo just isn't that fucking complicated. The dumb card is only sexy in strippers or amateur porn stars; except sometimes neither one are sexy– but even amateur porn stars know how to operate a tv remote, and a camera…

Maybe it's her baby talk equivalent of displaying the fact that she wants and needs you around. Though I'm not sure what it says about you that you're strongest trait is your remote control operating ability..I hope that's not the case, for your own sake.

Anyways just call her out by anticipating her next move. Literally write down the step-by-step instructions for all of the uncomplicated tasks she can't seem to do on her own (#1. Press “power” button on top right-hand corner of remote) and store them in a coffee table drawer. In doing so, you'll remove any excuse she claims rights to for being such a total fucking moron.

Q: What's the best reply when a girl shoots down your invitation to hang out and doesn't give you a “raincheck” lead?

A: My suggested reply would be no reply at all. If she wants to hang she'll make it clear; and if she doesn't..well then fuck her and procure some additional biddie digits. Your lack of concern with her lack of interest will leave her wondering if maybe she's missing out on something good– and will also prevent you from looking desperate. It could even lead to a table turn in your favor, where she reaches out after the fact and the rain check is transferred to your hands.

Q: Hey, its your black bro again. My question is that would race or color prevent you from sleeping or being with someone? Cause through my teenage trials and tribulations that is has been the case in a majority of my encounters with sorority girls. Thanks.

A: Welcome back black bro, and thanks for seeking the sagest of wisdom via yours truly. And now that I'm done kissing my own ass for this paragraph, let's get down to the racial nitty gritty.

It's fucked up that you've faced these racially-fueled college cock blocks. In my mind, a babe is a babe, is a babe; and that's the long and short of it. Frankly if you're opposed to sampling the finest man-meats because the color isn't to your liking, then you simply aren't living.

I hate to sound like a butcher, but my exceptionally carnivorous tendencies sort of force me to– so bear with me in making the comparison that chicken, pork, and beef are all fucking delicious and different in their respective light/dark meat ways; and none should be discriminated against.

Anyways in regards to your experience, most srat girls are fucking squares- this coming from the ex-sratters mouth– and are really only looking to party with the preppiest, Sperry-sporting, douchebag wasp motherfuckers on campus. There's also the intimidation factor- going outside of your comfort zone with dudes who have notoriously bigger dicks and better bedroom skills can be nerve-racking, which a lot of girls would just prefer to avoid. Don't let the srat zone get you down– in time, you'll reap the benefits of being different from the status quo.

Q: You cheat on your girlfriend when you're black out drunk, don't remember any of it, and are just told about it by your friends the next day. What do you do?

A: Damage. Control. If your friends (plural) told you about the occurrence, it means that you did it in a public place– and that your friends definitely weren't the only ones who saw.  Dicey move.

You need to deliver the news to your lady friend before someone else does in a much harsher manner. Tell her the truth– that you don't remember it and didn't want her to hear it from anyone else; that you regret it, and it'll never fucking happen again. That's really all you can do at this point.

Oh, and arrive with flowers…and maybe Ben and Jerry's.

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TAGSAdvice columnask a babecollegehooking uplong distance relationshipsRelationshipsSex
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