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How LeBron Will Turn Cleveland From A Dump To…Less Of A Dump

By / 07.14.14

lebron james garbage man

So for the last four years the little city that could, Cleveland, wished upon a star. We didn’t want a solution to our crumbling school system (Cleveland Metropolitan Schools is a place that neither Tom Berenger nor Michele Pfeiffer could fix) or even a developed lake front (if you have never been to Cleveland, the lakefront looks as desolate as just about any scene in The Terminator series).

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If you haven’t realized it already, Cleveland is on the right and a shot from The Terminator is on the left. Yep, it’s that bad.

But then, just like that, the basketball gods smiled down on us. Our beloved son, LeBron James, broke the news that he was coming home to play for the Cavs. Grown men were sobbing, homeless people were doing cartwheels and Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert got a second lease on life (before LeBron came back Gilbert was sort of like David Lee Roth and LeBron was Van Halen….they still kept trucking but in the end they knew the magic would only come with a reconciliation).  I seriously think ESPN could have done one of their My Wish segments on this.

The scene was, as so many people have said, euphoric. The Mistake by the Lake is now the King’s Castle. This move puts Cleveland back on the map and more importantly, generates millions of dollars like never before.

So what Cleveland establishments well benefit the most? Here are three off the top of my head:

1. Christie’s Cabaret (renowned Cleveland strip club)
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If you have lived in Cleveland chances are you were dragged here for a horrendous bachelor party for some groom you probably didn’t even like. Or maybe this was the first strip club you went to when you turned 18. Hell, even if you’re not from Cleveland and have only visited once, there was probably a third cousin who took you here instead of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Why will Christie’s Cabaret benefit? The presence of LeBron James will once-again turn Cavaliers games into a Celebrity who’s who. During the first go-round of LeBron’s tenure (2003-2010) home games for Cleveland attracted the likes of Usher, Jay-Z and Drew Carey. In the last four years the quality of celebs sitting courtside has diminished to the likes of Michael Stanley (Cleveland’s Bob Seger), Dennis Kuncinich (he got free tickets) and…well…that’s about it.

With all this attention back on Cleveland and season tickets already sold-out (we seriously don’t have much to live for), you can bet Drake and Floyd Mayweather need a place to up their douchiness to Bieber-like extremes. Who are we kidding? Even Bieber will show up, and after every home game these guys will head to Christies. “Money” Mayweather may even punch a stripper to prove “he’s still got it”. The strippers at Christie’s are known for great smiles, glittery faces and cottage-cheese thighs that would make your Aunt Barb jealous. How can this place not benefit?

2. Cedar Point

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So get this, rest of the world (not that anyone will take the time to read this except a pocket of 100 people I am facebook friends with), Cedar Point, our amusement park located just outside of Cleveland in Sandusky (yes that same Sandusky home to Callahan Auto Parts from Tommy Boy), made a statement that they would name a roller coaster after LeBron if he decided to come back.

They are honoring their word and will now name a roller coaster after LeBron James. Now Cedar Point already does pretty well, but this new LeBron roller coaster will attract all sorts of new hillbillies from not only Greater Cleveland but the United Sates as well. Seriously, can’t you picture some white trash family in, I don’t know, Altoona , PA who spends their kid’s college savings for a weekend trip to Cedar Point just to ride “The King’s Carpet?” You know this ride will have a shitty name, that was just my first guess.

LeBron fans will shell out nearly $200 for a pair of his shoes while looking at past-due child support notices. There is no doubt that they will come out of the woodwork for this new roller coaster. Hopefully the roller coaster is fun, but probably won’t equal the excitement of the ride that Delonte West gave Gloria James four years ago.

3. Michael Symon’s B-Spot

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Chef Michael Symon gained national fame when he appeared on The Food Network’s Iron Chef in 2005 and is credited for putting Cleveland on the map as a great city to eat at(hmmm….can’t really make a joke there, our food is pretty awesome). Symon, like Cedar Point, has been on the LeBron come-home train and he offered to name a burger after the king at his B-Spot restaurant chain here in Cleveland. Symon tweeted that he will live up to his part of the bargain and will name an overpriced burger after “The Chosen One”. Not really sure if Clevelanders need to consume more hamburgers at this point.  We’re already one of the most obese cities in the nation according to every publication in the world. Cleveland has invested millions in hotels, infrastructure and downtown living….you know what we haven’t invested in? Sit-ups. This city has more FUPA’s then a Friday night book club.

What will Symon name the Lebron burger? The LeBronwich? The Akron Slider? Either way, people will flock to the B-Spot to try this new burger and then they’ll drive to Cedar Point and vomit all over themselves after riding “The King’s Carpet.”

LeBron James did more for Cleveland’s economy in one weekend then Obama could do in almost seven years. Guess it takes a local kid to get things done.


Josh Womack
About Josh Womack... Josh Womack lives in Cleveland, OH and is the founder of Laughstaff, a speech-writing company that uses stand-up comedians as consultants to best men and matrons of honor around the world. Laughstaff has written over 100 speeches and will help you deliver a wedding toast that is heartfelt, hilarious and memorable. Follow them on twitter and check them out at www.laughstaff.com.

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