“Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts.” – Proverbs 31:6
It’s weird that inmates bound for the death chamber are afforded the final privilege of selecting one final meal. Like, what’s the point? I can’t enjoy a meal if my wife is talking too much about her day, so it stands to reason even the most delectable dish would be less than satisfying with the prospect of oblivion looming.
Plus, most states don’t even allow the damned to have an alcoholic beverage. A beer-free life is not worth living, so maybe death is sweet release for these guys.
So how did this tradition get started, and what are some of the more bizarre requests to be made by those on death’s door?
Let’s dive in.
The ritual dates back hundreds of years and is meant to symbolize the prisoner forgiving those putting him to death. It was an unspoken truce between the two parties that’s validity directly related to the quality of food provided.
Sounds like some extreme bullshit, but what do I know?
Over time, the “last meal” has morphed more into a “special meal” and is offered a couple days before the actual execution. “Eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow we die” is more than just a Dave Matthews Band lyric, you guys.
And it seems that prisoners are more than willing to accept some good eats before rotting in hell – with the possible exception of Saddam Hussein, who refused a meal of chicken before being hanged.
Here’s a few dudes who did it right:
German serial killer and rapist. Downed some sausage, potatoes, and white wine. Boldy asked for and received seconds. Was feeling his oats … at least for a while.
Gary Carl Simmons Jr.
Uh, OK.: 1996 murderer; Mississippi 2012 – Lethal injection: "one Pizza Hut medium Super Supreme Deep Dish pizza, double portion, with mushrooms, onions, jalapeno peppers, and pepperoni; pizza, regular portion, with three cheeses, olives, bell pepper, tomato, garlic and Italian sausage; 10 8-oz. packs of Parmesan cheese; 10 8-oz. packs of ranch dressing; one family size bag of Doritos nacho cheese flavor; 8 oz. jalapeno nacho cheese; 4 oz. sliced jalapenos; 2 large strawberry shakes; two 20-oz. cherry Cokes; one super-size order of McDonald's fries with extra ketchup and mayonnaise; and two pints of strawberry ice cream." He consumed about half of the meal.
Causally had a couple pints of mint chocolate chip ice cream. Wasn’t too concerned about his weight, because death.
So here we are. The night of my execution. It's probably 2030ish, and depending on what Obama and his successors do to our country over the next 17 years, some of these items may no longer exist. Hell, if Mike "no fatty left behind" Bloomberg ever gets into office, none of them will. Anyway, let's cut the fluff and get right to this JC's last supper.
1 bowl of penne ala vodka (hold the peas. ALWAYS hold the peas.)
1 slice of pizza (round)
12 buffalo wings (all the fixin's)
12 oz. Hawaiian Ribeye (12oz. after the fat has been cut off)
Full Rack of Ribs
1 Quater Pounder
1 side of lobster mac and cheese
A pile of thick ass steak fries
1 black and white cookie (because I don't see race)
1 pint of Ben and Jerry's "Everything But The"
Bottle of diet coke (gotta keep the waistline trim...and also because they won't let me drink booze or smoke meth)
And that's about it.
Come to think of it, that list seems too nice. It doesn't account for the fact that I'm a moody fuck that's about to be executed. I'm on death row. I'm not happy about this. In fact, I'M MAD AS HELL. So...
Here's my menu if I were really on death row
1 gallon of chocolate milk (so that the moment they electrocuted me, I'd puke and shit all over the place. Total yard sale. Fuck the police. I was framed.)
Fuck. Not fuck because I did it. Dude had it coming, after all. Fuck because I got caught. Here’s what I’m going to wrap my lips around while I come to grips that the Chicago Cubs didn’t win a World Series in MY LIFETIME either.
Just a tub of hummus. An unreasonable amount of hummus.
Plain Pita chip – no need to show off.
Vegetable spring roll because you’ve got to get your greens.
Cheesy Gordita Crunch from Taco Bell. This is the most perfect fucking food on earth. It’s a self-contained calorie bomb, so there’s a ton of regret after eating it. Not this time, though. This time daddy gets to die!
Salmon with a liberal amount of butter seasoning. Omega-3 is perhaps the one thing that can negate a lethal injection. They only get one shot at this thing, right?
Caviar. Never tried it. Would like to rectify that.
That dirt cake stuff with gummi worms in it. It’s been too long. Plus, you’ve got to have a sense of humor when you’re on hell’s door with your hand on the knocker.