Life
by Fitz E Fresh on October 17, 2012

Q: So I cheated on my girlfriend a few times but it’s been a year and she finally caught me once. We broke up for good and she “doesn’t want anything to do with me” but the next weekend she came over and we fucked 3 times and then she just got up and left…How do I keep her coming back while staying single? (I was her first).

A: In short, you don't. And I think we both know that.

Allow me to speak from experience in telling you that this shit is going to blow up in your face within the next 7-21 days. Maybe even the next 7-21 hours if you've fucked her again by the time you finally read this.

Not to mention that your initial actions of cheating on her repeatedly were douchey in the first place – so do her a favor and spare her any further pain/confusion.

Q: Hello, Madam. Here's what's up. I'm intensely depressed and incapable of connecting with anyone. I'd even settle for just hooking up with someone. Hell, even prostitutes refuse to touch my arm. All of my friends seem to think I'm palatable enough as a person and that I'm not the most horrible-looking chud on the face of the earth. So I'm confused. Theoretically I'm doing things properly, but I just can't seem to attract anyone who has signed a “don't sleep with that guy”-binding contract. What do I do?

A: Whoa, whoa, whoa self-loathing Bro — take a breather. I try to avoid sayings your mother might have already told you as a child when giving advice, but it seems like you need it. If you haven't heard it before, “In order to be loved, you have to love yourself first.”

And it’s the goddamn truth; even when applied to your one night stands. Not to get all Philosophical on your ass, but unless you've got a third eye, no front teeth or a problem with public indecency, your real problem lies within.

You lack confidence– and happiness; and apparently it shows. Chances are, the girls you're trying to get with have enough self-confidence issues of their own– projecting yours onto them is only going to hurt you.

Q: I'm 22 and senior in college but I still look very young (like 18-19 not freakishly young) so it's tough for my to get girls my own age but I found girls who are a little younger (but legal and in college) still find my boyish good looks appealing, is it creepy for me to hit on them or is it fair game?

A: Honesty, no– it's actually pretty acceptable in your setting. Lucky for you boy face, you could be a sixth year senior or a sixteen-year-old freshman and as long as you're in college, you're in the game. So have no shame in getting with the fresh meat–that's what they're into anyways.

Give it ten years and you'll be thanking your lucky stars for that genetic advantage.

Q: OK so first off, I'm a high school senior. There's this girl who hangs out with the same group as me but we really don't talk that much. How much groundwork is necessary before it isn't creepy for me to Facebook chat her? Keep in mind I'm relatively well liked but girls aren't exactly chasing after me.

A: Young bro, there is no amount of “groundwork” that can make Facebook chatting not creepy– period. And that just simply isn't the route you want to take. I'm not saying you need to call her house phone before 8 pm, but at least have the balls to contact her via a text. It'll show your interest in a more concrete way. If you fire up this Facebook chat thing, you're going straight to the creep zone– or worse, the friend zone.

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