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Q. So I am in a fraternity and have been hooking up with a few girls all in different houses. At first it was nice because any given night I was sure to have a girl in my bed, but now things are getting hard to manage. Almost every night I party, more than one of these girls is over and they have their eyes on me. This makes it really hard to hook up with new girls. My question for you is how should I manage these multiple relationships and how can I keep hooking up with new girls without the old ones going crazy?
A. After college, I became all world at this – not bragging but the juggling act gets so much easier as your world expands, especially if you live in a city the size of New York. In college, however, it was a different story. I was as bad as humanly possible at trying to keep a stable of clueless chicks. Like comically, ignorantly, and horrifyingly bad. Yep, I was the Freddie Prince Jr. of whatever the act of f*cking-everything-you-can-while-trying-not-to-look-like-a-souless-dickhead is called. (Surely there’s a better word to use than ‘Player,’ but I lack both a diverse vocabulary and time to get one, so my hyphenated mess will have to do). And I knew I was a retard the moment I tried to eat and sh*t, and eat some more, within the same sorority. Because girls in sororities are territorial; they actually feel a bond of sisterhood, which is rather amazing given all the c*nty sh*t they say behind each other’s backs.
It might be different at large state schools, but when everyone you f*ck, or want to f*ck, is consistently at the same parties or bars ALL THE TIME your odds of succeeding at this reduce drastically. You inevitably have girls find out about each other and then you’re forced to have that fun conversation during a party about it. You know the one, where she verbally berates you and yells, “I can’t believe I slept with you!” for all to hear. That’s her letting you off easy too! Most girls also like to go muddin’ with your name for the next month and exaggerate how poorly endowed you are.
But that’s the risk you’re taking. Not all of them will care that they’re just a number – you might just be one to them (we call this “the ideal scenario”) -- but some girls expect more when they put their puss in the line of fire. And maybe that was my problem: they all felt they deserved exclusivity, and I rightfully felt otherwise.
The best thing you can do in these situations is don’t bite off more than you can chew and try not to be awkward when you see these chicks out. If you’re acting weird they’re going to be having less fun and paying more attention to your every move. I’d also advise you to ditch the ones that cling to you, as they tend to be the ones that fall in love quickly and have psychotic fits when betrayed.
Q. I promised 3 different people in my childhood that they could be the best man at my future wedding. I'm getting ready to get married now and if I pick one, the other two are going to be pissed because I made an empty promise as a child. What should I do?
A. What I’ve learned, from countless weddings in the last three years, is those guys aren’t going to be devastated by the news if you still put them in your wedding. Being picked as a groomsman is still an honor and your job is literally to stand there, get drunk, and look f*cking fantastic. I was just a groomsman this past weekend and I absolutely nailed it. Couldn’t have done a better job of not talking and looking incredible. But while being the Best Man is an even higher honor and something we all want to be at least once, it can also be a chore. You need to organize the bachelor party (for a bunch of dickheads that complain and can’t reply in a timely manner), you’ve got to be the groom’s right hand man (help with the tuxes, rings, etc.), and you have to give a thoughtful speech, which, for the sake of not ruining the wedding, you should stay reasonably sober for.
So yeah, those dudes will get over it.
Q. So I'm a female and I know sports. Not just know, but I probably know more than a good majority of guys. Now I am straight, but sometimes I feel like my sports knowledge turns some of you guys off. So what are your thoughts and advice for a girl who knows a lot about sports? Do I play dumb or show all my knowledge?
A. There’s a difference between displaying knowledge and being obnoxious. If you’re writing this question, you must realize that something happened and you crossed the line from being the cute chick that appreciates sports to the one that feels the need to flex her chest every time she has a chance. Although who doesn’t like to see titties dance?
You don’t necessarily need to play dumb, you just need to tone it the f*ck down. Every play or situation doesn’t always warrant an astute comment. Sometimes all you need to do is say, “Oh, that was a sick play” even if you could've analyzed how and why it happened for the next 45-minutes.
Guys want girls that know and appreciate sports; it makes our lives easier when we want to spend Saturday and Sunday watching football. But we also like a fair amount of silence. So while you should certianly let them know you’re not a dimwit you should also choose your spots.
Q. What's your opinion on drinking straight from the carton that other people will be using? Is it acceptable to put your bacteria harboring mouth and germ induced backwash back into the liquid that others will be consuming?
A. Something tells me -- and that “something” is your tone -- that you’re a recent and wildly spiteful, victim of this very crime. I’m guessing your roommate has no respect for hygiene?
For me, this is situational. A case-by-case basis, if you will. Most people I associate with bathe and look clean. But if they don’t, I’m with you: a cup should be put into play. I don't even care if it's booze (alcohol kills everything, right?) I'm not sharing sh*t with them. And maybe that’s discriminatory, but I don’t f*cking care.
Drinking right from a carton is probably more disgusting than we think. Bacteria is definitely present. After all, no one’s coming in to chug OJ fresh off a brushing. That's just gross. In the same ballpark of grossness as getting your j*zz queefed back into your mouth. Toothpaste and OJ, Yuck!
All that said, I still drink from the container because sometimes I just need a sip and it’s the green thing to do. Yeah, I'm playing the green card. I do it when I forget to flush my sh*ts too.