Life
by Paul Sacca on June 29, 2014

Jordan_Haskins_for_State_Representative
For those of you who are going all YOLO and trespassing onto private property, starting up cars and jerking off to them, be warned that your precarious behavior can put a hamper on your future political aspirations, just ask Jordan Haskins. You see Haskins was arrested on several occasions from from 2006 to 2011, and he was sent to prison for breaking into private property and larceny. However Haskins’ actions were not to ransack the house for it’s cash or other valuables. Haskins’ reason for breaking and entering was so that he could masturbate to the car running because why would you want money when you can bust a nut to the sound of a well-lubricated drive shaft. In what is known as the bizarre sexual fetish of “pedal-pumping,” “revving” and “cranking,” the young man would hand-to-gland combat in the driver’s seat to the sound of the engine running, plus the danger of being caught would excite him. Jordan would remove the spark plug wires and sit in the car and beat off while the motor was sparking and making noises. Hot rods in hot rods.

Police reports document Haskins’ love of automobiles:

Haskins said he jumped a fence at the city of Saginaw’s parking lot at 1435 S. Washington on Jan. 7, 2011. He told sheriff’s deputies in a later interview that he went joyriding in the parking lot and masturbated in a city police cruiser and a city pickup, the report shows.

On Jan. 24, 2011, according to police reports, Haskins jumped a chain-link fence and opened a garage door at Scientific Brake, 314 W. Genesee. Then he drove a truck on the grounds, he told police. Again, police reports state he admitted to “listening to the engine idle and masturbating.”

The charges in the Jan. 7, 2011, incident were dismissed as part of a plea agreement in the Scientific Brake case. Haskins pleaded no contest in September 2011 to counts of breaking and entering a building with intent, unlawful driving away of an automobile and malicious destruction of personal property. Haskins was sentenced to one year and eight months in prison and was ordered to pay $10,430 in restitution.

Haskins is currently on parole for his actions, but the 24-year-old is still motoring ahead and attempting to be elected as Michigan’s 95th District House seat. Come November, Haskins will appear as the Republican candidate on the ballot seeking election and beat his opponent, which is surprising considering you’d think he pursue a career in car garage or a valet.

Haskins explains his peculiar behavior and the hard times:

“I was in a messed-up state of mind mentally and emotionally when I did what I did. That’s the only way I can even explain it. I was just a lonely, angry kid at the time. If anything, I could be put on ‘World’s Dumbest Criminals.’”

Haskins took a hands-on approach and acknowledged his past indiscretions on Facebook in an attempt to crank out an honest campaign:

I really think there should be a television show where Haskins gets a ride from a stranger off of one of the ride-sharing services such as Uber, Lyft, or Sidecar, and just let him go to town. Best. Show. Ever.

Photo via Jordan Haskins for State Representative Facebook.

[MLive]

Paul Sacca

About Paul Sacca...

World Renowned Toenail Model | Inventor of the Glory Hole | Shared a Cruller Doughnut with Jonah Hill in 2009 | Buys Porno Magazines in Airports | Voted Most Likely to be Pantsless When Arrested | 10th Member of the Wu-Tang Clan | Probably Slept with your Mother