Congrats on your decision to pursue a membership in The Mile-High Club. If successful, you’ll experience a ceremony with, likely, less blood than you’d find at a cult initiation and with more bathing-suit area fondling than at a religious confirmation, although Christianity has grayed the latter line in recent times. Good for you, sex acts on airplanes are truly a noble endeavor dating back to Orville and Wilbur Wright giving each other the most rigorously clammy hand-jibbers while circling Kittyhawk in 1903.
Truly, it’s like becoming a brother in a fraternity, losing your v-card, and having your Bar Mitzvah all on the same day—tall task to ask of any thirteen-year-old “man,” but a suitable challenge for an aroused individual on a trans-continental flight who has grown bored of browsing Sky Mall.
It’s not a complicated process—no more so than making Easy Mac or bringing another life into the world. Basically, don’t be nervous, because you know the air marshall is looking for that overly-twitchy terrorist to pump six bullets into and save America just so he can be portrayed in the movie adaptation by Michael Chiklis. So relax, pop a Xany-bar if you need it, and keep three things in mind to ensure club status by the time you land.
1. Gauge The Flight: You always have to mind your surroundings. Be on the look out for other potential initiates, or veterans looking to re-up their membership. Keep your head on a swivel, and be quick to hop in the middle seat if some talent sits themselves down in the window seat while you’re all boarding. You can bet the obese pre-corpse who had initially bought that seat will be more than happy to take the aisle seat from you, plus the cutie will be thrilled not to be next to that mass of rolls and sweat for the duration. Who says chivalry is dead? You took a chubby for her; the least she could do is return the favor.
Know what kind of flight you’re on helps too. If you’re heading to Florida during spring break season there’s going to be a lot more options than if you’re flying from Buffalo to Dayton at six in the morning on a Monday when the only potential is that might-be-eighteen-year-old who’s flying back home with her family after her grandma’s funeral. Namely, keep the length of the flight and the destinations in mind so you’re not playing a game you can’t win, or can only win by nailing a snaggletoothed piece of Rust Belt trash during a one-hour flight with no beverage service.
2. Convince Through the Magic of Spontaneity: It’s not the bar scene, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get drunk. You know how to flirt, buy her a drink, make conversation that’s doesn’t have a creepy or rape-y vibe, and don’t scream in her face when she tells you how funny she finds Ellen DeGeneres. Yeah, you realize this is a tube of farts and smelly children soaring at 600mph, but that doesn’t mean your bar game can’t be in full effect.
Use the spontaneity factor to bolster your game as well. Build urgency, convey the message that this limited time needs to be used “effectively,” and imply the notion of “doing it for the story” and soon she’ll be bouncing up and down on your top gun while the plane goes a patch of turbulence, or “pleasure bumps” as we say in the business. Exploit the spontaneity factor—people who meet randomly are far more likely to go for it and revel in the fact that they “won’t see each other again” and were “caught in the moment” opposed to people who run into each other each week at the dry cleaners, AA, or Arby’s.
3. Discretion and Speed Are Key: You’re embarking on your rendezvous. You’ve made it to the bathroom with her, she’s revealed her landing strip, and you’ve made the cross checks to get the all clear. Now, I’m sure you’ve noticed how cramped and well lit the bathroom is, so, for everyone’s sake, here’s to hoping you didn’t scoop a fatty or a butterface.
The kicker is that sex on a plane constitutes having sex in public and that’s technically illegal, so be crafty and quick—two things you’re well versed in. Embrace your inner narcissist and be the selfish lover you’ve dreamed of becoming; after all, you’re already established you’ll never see this set of three orifices again. If you’re worried about time, just get yourself started while you’re in your seat waiting for enough time to pass to join her in the back. Caution is recommended for this maneuver, as it’s pretty disgusting to be sitting next to the guy who is just trying to secretly jack it while watching Lincoln on the in-flight entertainment.
Once you’re getting down while being a few miles up, use your creativity to cover up any inadvertent noises. Coughing, flushing, choking, pretending to poop, actually pooping: these all can be employed to cover up most sounds. Think about it, even flight attendants don’t want to ask you why you needed assistance dropping some stank out your dumper.
In the worst-case scenario in which you can’t find any willing participants, like if the only people sitting by you are a group fifty-year-old Armenian businessmen with weird knuckle hair, you can always just hand crank it out in the bathroom and use one of those airplane blankets as a novelty-sized cum rag. Remember, nothing relieves in-flight tension, anxiety over turbulence, or visions of a drug-addicted Denzel Washington flying the plane like a session of pumping out some pure Hellman’s Original Man-naise at 30,000 feet.
[Mile high club image via ShutterStock]