I’ll be rating my jealousy on the following scale:
Tom Brady: (Really Jealous): Have you seen the jaw on this guy? I don’t care what team you cheer for; there is no life that is more awesome for a red-blooded male than Tom’s. Three super bowls, Gisele anytime he wants except a few days out of the month (Tom doesn’t DO period sex, he calls it, “Blow Job Party, USA”), His biggest rival’s professional life is in shambles, he looks GREAT, has a Dick’s Sporting Goods commercial (it was ehh but he gets to say, “I represent Dick’s” and it isn’t gay), AND his hair looks great both long and short (who cares if it’s fake).
Topher Grace: (Completely Indifferent) I’ve never seen him on screen and thought, “That’s a life I would want” but I’ve also never said “I wouldn’t bang a chick after Topher was done with her”.
Chaz Bono: (Whatever The Opposite Of Jealousy Is) Just a tough spot.
Neal Patrick Harris
Jeal-O-Meter: Tommy B.
Reason: I’m a big NPH fan. I’m jealous because he keeps crushing the Tony Awards, which basically makes him “King of the Gays.” Being King of the brand of human you want to have sex with is pretty awesome. If I were King of the Straights I’d enslave Rachael Leigh Cook and have her replay every scene from She’s All That so we could have the final kissing scene, except I’d extend it to the point where we’d bang like animals right there on the dance floor while I fired a sub-machine gun into the disco ball and then shattered, mirrored light would rain down on us like God’s tears (“The Director’s Cut”). Just so we’re clear, my regime as King of the Straights would be VERY weird.
Reason: He may have the talent, the fame, the eyes of the basketball world on his every move but he also has a receding hairline which he tries to hide every night under a headband. Isn't one of the great things about being a black dude being able to pull off a shaved head? I know what you’re doing LeBron. You’re like a chick wearing a shirt that blouses out over her stomach. Stop the lies.
Jeal-O-Meter: Tommy B.
Reason: In an interview with Playboy he claims that he’s in a much better place then closes the interview by claiming he has seen ghosts. I’m jealous of anyone who can say things are going well despite constant hauntings. Awesome.
Reason: I hate Craig Sager. I give him an indifferent on the scale because I want him desperately to know people are indifferent to him and his costumes (if you’re reading this, Craig Sager, I’m coming for you). We don’t care about your suit. You only wear it to distract us from how unnecessary your profession is, and – frankly – how terrible you are at your job. No one over 4 has had more trouble saying English words. It’s like every moment he’s having a thousand tiny little strokes. But they keep putting him on. It’s really a lesson for life – if you realize you’re getting paid to do very little, become wacky suit guy. The office will never speak about your role, or what you do, they'll only be excitedly talking about what you wear each day – “He went with plaid today, this guy’s out of control!” (If you haven’t started a job yet, you’ll realize it’s very depressing what gets people excited in an office. Bagel day gave people four-hour erections).
Reason: I think being a pro hockey player is the best. You get all of the money, chicks, and privilege of a professional athlete without fat groupies and herpes ridden press following your every move (did I get those backward? whatever). Except in LA, where no one can name a single player on the team and they’re all too coked up to sit through a game. They may as well be in a Witness Protection Program.
Rihanna and Chris Brown
Reason: This is the great American love story. Girl meets Boy, Girl falls for Boy, Boy falls for Girl, Girl speaks out of turn, Boy viciously beats Girl, Pictures get released to the whole world, Boy is sorry, Girl forgives, the world doesn’t want the two to get back together, Girl has fake sex with Drake to help him stay closeted, Girl and Boy have such an amazing sexual chemistry that they release “Birthday Cake” and it gives anyone who listens to it a boner. CAN’T WE JUST LET THESE TWO BE TOGETHER! UGH! SOCIETY!
Reason: They get to ride in strollers which I’m very jealous of. BUT they can’t speak English and really there’s nothing I’m more Chaz on than that. So that puts me directly in the indifferent Topher zone. I feel the same way about paraplegic Frenchmen.
University of Phoenix Graduates
Reason: In this economy it sucks to be any type of college graduate. It has to really suck to walk into an interview with a resume that has “University of Phoenix” written at the top. Here’s how I imagine the interview:
Interviewer: University of Phoenix ehh? I hear it’s a dry heat in Arizona.
Phoenix Grad: It’s an online university, sir. I’ve never been to Arizona.
Interviewer: Oh! Online! (long pause) We’ll be in touch.
Popeye’s Chicken Customers
Jeal-O-Meter: Tommy B.
Reason: I’m jealous that they just don’t care.
Jared Freid is a New York City-based comedian. You can follow him on Twitter @jtrain56 for videos, columns, and plenty of penis jokes. Also, if you’re a Frat Dude and think you have the most awesome fraternity in America, check out this video: