Life
by A. Canty on June 18, 2014

crazy-girlfriends

Hide the kitchen knives, close your Facebook page, close your Twitter account, pull your car in the garage and change the locks — we are talking about crazy girls. We have all been there, dating an absolute nutcase! We know they’re crazy, we know where this train wreck of a relationship is headed before it even leaves the station, however, we can’t wait to get our ticket punched and jump on board like Wile .E Coyote jumping on an Acme rocket. The signs that the once cool, fun, attractive girl you knew has grown into a full blown lunatic with an awesome ass are subtle but if you miss them believe me you will pay. Let’s go over the benefits and drawbacks of dating a total psychopath.

1. A Benefit: Sex is always better with a chick that’s out of her mind.

There has to be some reason guys put up with the death threats and constant fits of rage and that reason is the outstanding, mind blowing, spectacular sex. While normal girls are sexually restricted by things like, morality, sanity and a sense of right and wrong, crazy chicks have no such restrictions. Having sex with a crazy girl is like being in the Royal Rumble. The only exception being that all 29 competitors are all ganging up on you in a pleasure-filled ass kicking. Her speed is amazing, her stamina is never ending, and her dedication to please you is unlimited. If sex with a normal girl is like playing Pee Wee football, then sex with a crazy girl is like playing in the SuperBowl…on the moon! Most guys have become acclimated to requesting something sexual and hearing a loud “NO” accompanied by a look of judgment and disappointment, however, when it comes to that straightjacket-wearing renegade of a woman you have now, everything is on the table.

There are no restrictions. I don’t care what turns you on, that bag of mixed nuts she calls a brain will agree to it. You enjoy the rough stuff, she will come to bed in full MMA gear. You enjoy role playing , she has multiple personalities, so it’s no problem. You could tell a crazy girl that you enjoy playing dodgeball naked, underwater, with sharks and stingrays and I guarantee the only thing she’ll ask is, “so where’s the pool.”

A Drawback: She won’t have the best…self-control.

Remember, whatever sexual game you start she won’t have the self-control to stop. Normal girls may leave a few scratches here and there on your back, a crazy girl will leave marks on you that will prompt anyone who sees them to ask you if you want the toll free number to a battered woman’s shelter. You might enjoy a little nibble on the ear now and then and it’s cute when your nice sane girl does it but when that berserk love lunatic grabs you and bites you like a pit-bull biting a piece of meat someone dropped on the floor you will realize you’re in over your head.  When having sex with a crazy girl be ready to say things that may hurt your pride as a man, for example you may say things like…

  • Ouch
  • Please no
  • Stop…I think
  • Wait wait wait wait
  • That’s too hard
  • I’m tired
  • Let me go
  • I’m serious, let me go
  • Please let me go
  • What’s that thing for?!?!

2. A Benefit: Communication

She will always answer any question you ask with detail and total honesty. Her word is her bond and she’s always careful to not to say anything that could possibly upset you.  When you send a text you will receive a reply within seconds. She never misses a call, I don’t care if she was a 911 operator if her phone rings and it’s you she will happily hang up on the family that’s tied up and being held hostage by an intruder. You are her first priority nothing else matters. If she was on the phone with Jesus and he called to let her know what the meaning of life is and you called she would ask the Lord to hold and click over. There is no point in time when she won’t have time for you, not many people could be standing at the foot of the bed as their grandfather is about to utter his last words and right as he opens his mouth to speak your girl says “wait wait hold that thought my guy just called.”

The Drawback: She requires a TON of communication from you

Police officers on the road communicating with dispatch don’t check in as often as you’re going to do.  She is going to call you in the morning, at lunch, during every break she gets at work, while she eats, while she’s on the toilet,  whenever she randomly thinks of you …which is every 14 minutes. If for some reason you miss a call or take longer than 30 seconds to return a text you had better be ready for a barrage of random accusations. Be prepared for such accusations as

  • So are you cheating on me?
  • Why are you late, I checked my phones GPS it says the trip from your job to this house is 18 minutes long you got here in 21 minutes…who you cheating on me with?
  • Let me see your phone, OH OH I see 4 outgoing calls to “MOM” so who is this Mom bitch you keep calling?

No matter what excuse you come up with it’s not enough to keep her calm if you miss a call or text. I don’t care if you are in a bank that’s being robbed, involved in a shark attack, being  abducted by aliens or currently being held for ransom by the Taliban if she calls you better answer. If your phone is dead then do anything to communicate to her send a smoke signal, use a carrier pigeon, put a message in a bottle and launch it out to sea and pray she finds it.

3. A Benefit: When she’s happy

When she’s happy she’s not just happy, she’s like a Christmas Elf on cocaine. She will go above and beyond on a regular basis for you. When you come home normal girls do things like…

  • Kiss you
  • Ask how your day was
  • Hand you a cold beer from the refrigerator

When you come home a crazy girl will do things like…

  • Greet you at the door naked wearing Hulk hands and repeatedly yelling “HULK SMASH”
  • Challenge you to a naked WWE Summer Slam Brawl
  • Ask you, “Are you ready to snap into a Slim Jim?” right as you notice she’s wearing a thong made of beef jerky

That’s why we love them, because everything is a surprise. Living with a crazy girl is like approaching bottle rocket you just lit but it didn’t go off so you take that slow stroll towards it and right as you lean in close to see if you need to light it again, BBBBOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Drawback: She will eventually get mad and when she does it will be the worst goddamn day you have ever had.

She makes Hurricane Katrina look like a blast from a super soaker. The sound of her thundering footsteps through your home as she makes her way towards you sounds like the New England Patriots running through the tunnel for the big game. Much like an escape death row inmate she’s got nothing to lose and everyone knows it. When upset the arsenal of a normal girl is limited to…

  • Yelling
  • Crying
  • Arguing
  • Complaining
  • Nagging
  • Sulking

Not this tiny tornado of estrogen and rage. No, my friend, her arsenal is slightly different and consist of…

  • Radom physical attacks
  • Sucker punches
  • Crotch shots
  • Prison knife attacks
  • Attacking random bystanders
  • Physiological warfare which consist of saying things like, “you have to sleep sometime”

There are a few things most men would have an easier time dealing with instead of a crazed wild eyed chick. For example:

  • A pit-bull able to operate a 45 caliber pistol
  • Seal Team 6
  • Finding out the T-1000 thinks you’re John Conner

Be warned my brothers, she nuts but life is an ice cream sundae and a sundae is always better with nuts on top.

A. Canty

About A. Canty...