Life
by Megan Goetz on June 11, 2014

girlfriend

All right guys, pull up a chair and let Dr. Meg diagnose your girlfriend, ex, or booty call. Is she actually as crazy as you tell your bros? Is there any hope for the relationship? I’ll be the first to admit that sometimes girls don’t act rationally. Hell, I once committed all of my spare time to watching every episode of Charmed, alone in my apartment. That was a long, dark, month. Why did I do that? Couldn’t tell you. But in the defense of girls everywhere, dudes have their own brand of crazy. I’ve seen puppies with better self-control than some of the dudes my friends are dating. So I’m here to sift through both genders bullshit to expose when you’re being a douchebag and when she’s acting legitimately crazy.

Diagnosis 1: Social Media Hysteria

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Fucking Facebook Ladies and Gentlemen; created by Satan in order to get both sexes in trouble with their partners. It is not crazy for girls to look all over your Facebook. What’s that? A quick and easy way to access a shitton of information about a new cute dude?! CHA-CHING. It’s a step away from a dating resume, but it’s even more honest because you have no clue she’s actually reading what you put on there. Remember that Anal Fisting group you liked in 2008 because you and your group of friends thought it’d be funny? Yeah, she’s going to find it too and that does not mean she’s contracted SMH.

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Symptoms you should look out for with SMH:

  • If she already knows a lot of personal information about you and your friends before you even tell her
  • If she has to know your Facebook password and reads your messages
  • If you get in fights over girls who are friends that comment on your wall
  • If she uses Facebook to keep tabs on where you are at all times

How to treat social Media Hysteria:

Good news, bros! This is very treatable. All you need to do is have an open line of communication with your girl. Tell her where you’re going to be sometimes. Don’t check in to places when you said you’d be somewhere else. Now I know what you’re all saying, “Duh Dr. Meg, why would I post where I am if it’s not where I told my girl I’d be”. Here’s an idea though, don’t let your friends tag you in those places either ‘cause she can see that too. Another big one I see that tends to exacerbate the illness are dudes that feel the need to make their girls jealous by saying stupid shit like “Oh yeah Michelle said I was super cute the other day, we’ve been friends for a super long time, she’s awesome”. Fuck Michelle. Sure she’s hypothetical, and I’m not dating any of you, but studies show statements like this are the leading cause of SMH.

Diagnosis 2: Common Female Issues

CFI is common in most, if not all, women. What differs for CFI is how intensely your girl is affected by it. Some treatments that men think will work but tends to make the illness worse are statements like “Are you PMSing?” or “You’re just being dramatic.”  As your doctor, I would strongly recommend avoiding those statements at all times. That’s for your personal health and safety.

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Symptoms of CFI:

  • Drunk texting and calling you excessively or to the point of unreasonableness (2 or 3 “episodes” a week, I say episode because that means on that one occasion you could have gotten upwards of 10 calls and 20 texts)
  • Showing up to places you are (When you only mentioned it once and did not invite her at all)
  • Inexplicable onsets of anger (a common phrase you can use to identify this symptom is “YOU SHOULD KNOW WHY I’M ANGRY!”)
  • Talking seriously about marriage and kids with you (this would be in the first month to two years into the relationship, after that she has a right to want to marry you so quit dragging your feet, pansy)

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How to treat Common Female Issues:

This one’s a little bit more tricky, boys. There’s no real treatment for CFI, and because it presents in infrequent flare-ups, it is sometimes difficult to detect. CFI could remain dormant for years. Luckily, it’s not contagious and most carriers can go on with their daily lives without even realizing they have it. Unfortunately, if it is very severe, presenting in almost daily flare-ups there is no sure fire cure and you’re best bet might be ending the relationship. I’m so sorry to have to tell you the bad news. We all hope to one day live in a world without CFI, it’s up to our devoted medical researchers world wide to hopefully one day find a cure for this terrible illness.

Diagnosis 3: Gonorrhea

Gonorrhea, you know, like the sexually transmitted infection. If you give your girl gonorrhea you deserve whatever pyscho Swimfan shit comes your way.

What this situation looks like:

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Symptoms of someone who cheats on their girl and contracts the illness:

  • Sores
  • Hair loss
  • Fever
  • Low self-esteem
  • Impotence
  • Years of Shame

 How to Treat Gonorrhea:

Ok you cheated. Granted, this could have been a one-time thing and you’re really regretful about it, but putting your significant other at risk by not even using protection when you decide to cheat is just dirty. How can you make it better and possibly save the relationship? Man up and tell your girl to get treated before she finds out on her own. Yeah she’ll be mad, but at least you wont look like a fucking idiot trying to convince her that Gonorrhea can be contracted from dirty toilet seats or some shit like that. No one believes that, dude.

I hate that I had to be the one to break the news to you so publicly, but at least now you know! If you have any questions or concerns about treatments you’re utilizing, call or write me as soon as possible and we can work together to find a treatment plan that works best for you!

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