I apologize for whiffing on this column last week -- got busy and shit -- and I promise, hand to God, that it won't happen again (until the next time it happens again). Since I did forgo posting this last week, I've answered more questions than usual. Submit your Ask a Bro questions here.
Q: What is with chicks being just friends with guys. Is it possible? Every guy I know is not just friends with girls. They are trying to bang them. I have acquaintances that are girls but not friends. My girlfriend has been texting one guy for 8 months now and swears it is nothing more than friends. It is like all day everyday kind of talking. I personally don't understand the friend zone but is it possible that's what this is or am I just dumb and she banging this dude? The guy isn't gay either.
A: There are generally three reasons why men become “just friends” with a girl: she’s ugly, she put him in the friend zone, or he’s already fucked her and she was an abysmal lay and/or had some unforeseen physical deformity, like a crusty flange.
But you don’t really want to know what the deal is with chicks being friends with guys; you want to know what the goddamn deal is with YOUR chick being friends with Timmy Texts-A-Lot. And I’ll shoot you straight, he is in the picture because A) you’re allowing him to be in it and B) because he’s giving her something you’re not.
Candidly, I don’t think she is cheating on you -- what kind of stupid asshole would wave a relationship in front of your face like that? -- but I also don’t know how you’ve allowed this to go on for eight months. Have you at least countered with a hot girl that’s “just a friend?” One day into noticing her texting pattern with this dude I would have fought fire with nukes. “Who am I texting? Oh, just Jane, this girl I’m like super best friends with. She’s hilarious…” and smoking hot.
Look, I’m all for my girl having friends, girls or guys, but talking every day to the same dude? No chance. I've never met a straight dude who is in that type of friendship with a chick just for the stimulating conversation.
So you have to either put your foot down and tell her all shit must be cut, or figure out why she is going to the Timmy well so often, and what he's bringing to the table that you're not. Because one day Timmy will find his own girlfriend and leave your chick in the dust, I have no doubt in my mind about that -- his girl won’t allow him to keep texting yours everyday. That’s when you’ll need to worry. That’s when she could realize without him filling in your gaps, your relationship is shit.
Q. How many times do you think Ray Lewis has cried in the past two weeks?
Come on Ray, we get it. You're passionate and full of "emotions." Truly though, at this point he's either a baby or attention monger.
What do you think, is he a baby, attention junky, or just so "passionate" that he cries 16 times a day?
A. The man was a helluva player; you, me or anyone else can’t really deny that. He was a beast in his prime, better than most right up until his final snap, and for the last five years analysts across all networks have slapped the phrase "Future Hall of Famer" in front of his name as if it's a title like Doctor or Porn Star. But in spite of all that, people fucking hate the guy and all his “passion.”
I graduated from The U -- which coerces me to not completely abhor him -- but I can see why others think he’s a fucking dickcake. That said, his penchant for crying is probably last on the list of reasons why people can’t stand Ray Lewis. There are at least five better motives that I heard throughout the Ravens storied playoff run.
1. He murdered a guy
2. He drags Jesus Christ into every interview
3. He's self-aggrandizing
4. He used deer antler spray
5. He kind of annunciates like an asshole when he gives a motivational speech
6. And yes, he cries an awful lot
Of those six reasons, only two really bother me: the chronic playing of the “Jesus” card and the way he talks when he’s being “passionate.” It’s INSUFFERABLE. The other stuff doesn’t affect me. Every NFL player is an egomaniac, a lot of them probably cheat, “Strong men also cry... strong men also cry” (Lebowski), and I don’t give a shit if he killed a guy. In fact, with all the holier-than-thou bullshit he exudes, I care more that he didn’t act as a conduit to God and read the dying man his last rights more than anything that did, or did not, happen that night.
Q: My Bro broke up with his girl like 3 or 4 weeks ago, and then he messaged this girl’s mom talking about how he didn't forget about her family, and to tell her little sister that he didn't just stop coming over, she left him. Is this Bro?
A: I sure as fuck hope it’s not, because if it is Bro, or manly, or not fucked up in the least, then I’ve been doing life all wrong.
If a girl breaks up with you, just walk away. Cut your losses. I don’t care if she blindsides you and takes a shit on your frail little heart. NEVER contact her family. The odds of you winning her back by calling her parents are none to none. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, KIMOSABE. And mentioning her kid sister!?! Yeah, also ill-advised. He’s lucky that lady didn’t call the authorities on suspicion of pederasty.
Q: I read your answer to your most disgusting acts in the name of having sex. What the fuck is wrong with you?
A: Enough. Plenty. So goddamn much. Pick one of those.
And thanks for reading! Sounds like it took substantial courage on your part to get through it. Take a bow.
Q: Can you give us a break down of men’s room etiquette when taking a shit? The guy in the stall next to me started to talking to me yesterday and I was not comfortable with it.
A: Jesus Christ.
Really with this?
I feel like I'm becoming the Internet's foremost authority on taking shits. I blast out some treacherous loads, FOR SURE, but I can't decide how I should feel about being the go-to guy when someone needs advice on the matter. My instincts are leaning towards "honored," patently appalled that I’ve let my life come to this, but honored nonetheless.
Anyway, dumping in public isn't really my thing. I don't even take shits at work, except for that day a few months back when I kind of pooped myself -- what a mess that was. But although I don’t participate in the public defecation game extensively, I know I’m still one of the best in the game when I have to, so here are a few rules everyone should live by when they do.
1. No talking to strangers*
2. No foot tapping
3. No laughing at, or commenting about, another man's machine-gun gas
4. No unessential grunting
5. No talking on your cell phone; this isn’t your goddamn house, where on-toilet phone calls is obviously cool.
6. No flash photography**
*Unless you’ve run out of toilet paper.
**Flash-less photography is fair game. Also, you can also use a flash if you’ve just taken a white shit or anything too spectacular not to catch in perfect light. When a moment needs to be captured, a moment needs to be captured.
Q: Would you rather fuck Ron Jeremy (catching not pitching) or have sex with a solid 10 but contract HIV?
A: I was talking to my best friend when this question came into my mailbox last night. I shot it to him on Google Talk. In less than ten seconds he responded, "So I guess you're going to take it up the ass, huh?"
Five years ago, I went to get tested and I'll never forget what the doctor said to me, his words penetrated my normally impassable brain, "HIV isn't that big of a deal anymore, you can live a normal life if you catch it early enough." Not exactly comforting to hear right before getting tested, or something you want as your go-to pick-up line, because AIDS, but in this scenario I’d have to take the HIV since I would obviously catch it early. Plus, I really don’t want to get fucked in the ass and I especially don’t want to get fucked in the ass by a porn star who has made his living out of lasting forever. My poor shithole would never be the same.
Q: I currently write for a college based website and have a few published articles (I know J.Camm you don't give a fuck). My question is what tips could you give me to make my content more viral and juicy.
p.s. I'm asking this because I wouldn't necessarily say I'm a fantastic writer and the website I write for is going to start paying their writers.
A: Viral and juicy? This is Internet content we’re talking about, not genital herpes.
Getting something to go viral on the web is tricky and, four years into this wicked game called running a website, our team is still learning how to milk the Internet like an untapped tit. Being the first to post a video, or photos, or to break a story (a la Deadspin and Manti Te’o) you’re almost guaranteed to get some kind of virality. Original content, however, is a different game because WHAT HASN’T BEEN DONE? God knows the world doesn’t need another post about the Friend Zone.
But if you are strictly talking about getting your original content (top 10 lists, rants, etc.) to go viral (or at least get passed around a lot, like some godless whore), the key is writing about unique topics or at least giving an old topic a fresh angle; everyone loves a new twist on an old classic -- Puff Daddy proved that when he invented the Re-Mix.
Secondly, assess what’s worked in the past with your audience and improve on it or hit a similar nerve. If you know your readers go bonkers, like absolutely ape shit, when you post about a certain topic, try to keep going back to that well at least once per month. Don’t beat it to death, of course, but also don’t neglect it either.
Lastly, a great headline goes a long way, especially if the site you’re writing for has a staunch social media following. People literally click on your link based entirely on the headline, they have no idea what they will read once they click said link, but the point is your headline made them CLICK IT! That’s Internet 101. Whatever you do, don’t mislead the reader with your headline. For instance, I’m certain a headline reading, “Drunk College Bro Sodomizes Kate Upton, While Butt Chugging a Beer and Impersonating Christopher Walken” would shut down the Internet indefinitely, but I refuse to write it until that story happens.
[Texting image via ShutterStock]