I'm not going to play any of the predictable cards on this one. Calling you a stupid douche or telling you only fancy boys go tanning is something your friends and father will probably do. Then, on top of all the people calling you a c*m swapper, there is that annoying faction of individuals who will warn you that tanning bed abuse might lead to melanoma, skin cancer, and becoming a Guido. Those people are actually correct but just point out your lack of liver disease and hairless palms as evidence of your body's resilience against your vices. Then, finally, there will be people who detest your choice to tan because they just get a kick out of detesting things they themselves have never tried. Chicks who hate painful butt sex fall under this particular umbrella.
So if I am not going to call you a douche, tell you about the health risks associated with fake bronzing, hate just to hate, or stone you to death for asking me this f*cking question, then what am I going to do? Honestly, man, if you think you are going to get f*cked more and you can put up with all the ridicule and fag references thrown at you by your friends and family, you should do it. Don't do it so much that you look like f*ckin' Snooki, but if you think a little color might help your pale ass get chicks, give it a shot. What do you have to lose? If it doesn't work, scrap the idea, tell your friends you had a lapse in judgment, and ask your father to put you back in the will.
Tanning indoors it isn't my thing. I used to live in Miami and I still get to go to Florida three to four times every winter, so I don't need to put myself in an oven for a few minutes to get my skin to its most sexual tone. But I get it, the winter in the North can take its toll. We've all seen our pale selves in photos from the dead of winter: it's not f*ckin' flattering. Nothing is worse than looking at your New Years' Eve photos with the chick next to you looking like a total smoke while the circles around your eyes are blacker than that of a goddamn panda bear. Come to think of it, if I didn't go to Florida so much I don't know what I would do outside of avoiding flash photography at all costs.
The best advice I can give on this — because you or anybody else who goes tanning doesn't really affect or bother me — is that if people ask why you're looking so goddamn tan, tell them you just got back from the Dominican or be a man and own up to the douchbaggery that accompanies every membership at a tanning salon. Your call.
Delayed at McCarren International Airport,