Life
by J. Camm on July 3, 2014

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A July 3rd mailbag?!?! Oh yeah! Look at me go, really earning my paycheck and shit. Submit your Ask a Bro questions here.

Q: Is getting a happy ending considered cheating?

A: Obviously it’s not cheating. It’s part of the massage. Saying no to a post-massage handy is like basically insulting the Asian masseuse and her entire culture. It’s just bad manners. After all she’s done for you…you owe her that cock curd. Not cheating. Final verdict…

Real answer: Obviously, it’s cheating. You’re paying to get a hand job from a stranger. That’s basically like buying a whore on the corner. Not that there is anything wrong with that. We sent Boatshoe Bobby to a rub-n-tug in May and I’m pretty sure it saved his life.

Note: This question arose from the video below of a man asking people (while using a vibrator as a microphone) if getting a happy ending is cheating.

Q: I’ve gone on a few dates with a chick I met online. I think she’s older but can’t tell if she’s 30 or 40. How do I find out without directly asking her?

A: With all the cosmetics and minor surgeries available today, a woman’s face might not show the obvious signs of aging, but their elbows sure as shot don’t lie. Walk behind her and when her arm is fully extended take a good, long look at that elbow. You can read that shit like rings on a tree. Unless, of course, its covered with an inflamed eczema patch.

Side note: Do you think there are people out there with eczema fetishes? Has to be, right? It’s amazing what some people get off to. Like balloon porn. I will never understand people with a balloon porn fetish. “Oh, look! A naked chick playing with a balloon animal.” CUM EVERYWHERE. 

Q: I’m an asshole hunter. I love doing anal with chicks. That said, what should I offer my partners to pull their shit together? I mean is it just me? Like ever 5/10 times of getting anal, first the smell comes up and damn, I still have deep serious damages of the smell in my mind, then the shit slowly tears down to my dick, I almost lose my erection; worse yet there’s only two things in that position; either you can run to shower and cry, or you push yourself to come quickly as possible. Mostly I choose the second, but I’m troubled with that. My Brazilian bro suggested me a technique called “Xuca” which is a method that chicks (or whatever you’re fucking) do, they fill their assholes with water and let all the dirt and evil float to the sewer. What to do to not to get “shitted?”

A: You know the world we’re living in is cruel and unjust when the Anal Conquistador’s Achilles heel is the smell of shit.

Quite honestly, every time I’ve parked my dick in a chick’s shit cooker (it hasn’t been many) I’ve been so drunk that my sense of smell was probably compromised so I don’t recall scent ever being an issue. It seems to me that nose plugs or your buddy’s “Xuca” method are the best ways to not smell feces. Or maybe just try hooking up with chicks who take a little more pride in wiping their assholes. Your call.

Q: A couple of nights ago I met this babe through mutual friends, the only problem is that I blacked out after we met… I know, real smooth. It gets better though, don’t worry. Apparently, I told her something so awful that she told our friend that set us up she doesn’t want to be friends with her anymore because of me. Now, I really want to know what I said, its been eating at me ever since. I’m almost positive we wont see each other in person again so I was wondering if would it be a smart move to use social media and try and patch things up with her and figure out what I said?

A: I’ve blacked out enough times during my time on earth to know that nothing good happens after booze turns the lights off. And, my friend, you’ve found yourself in “nothing good” territory. Which causes you to wake up with PBRD (Post Boozing Remorse Disorder). PBRD is a crippling disorder that affects 99 out of 100 men. That one guy it doesn’t effect is sober and, therefore, not a complete fucking idiot like the rest of is. I hate that guy. I wish ill on that prick and his prick family. (Kidding. All the best to you and yours, sober guy)

My advice to you is: whatever you do, keep your problems off of social media. And…here comes a hot take… before you ask the girl who now hates you, or anyone else, about what you said or did, ask yourself if her friendship is really worth it. Seriously. Mending fences is exhausting. It’s going to be a butt load of trouble getting back into her good graces so figure out of that’s even a worthwhile endeavor. As we get older we dump a lot of friends who aren’t quite worth the trouble it takes to “stay in touch” and “pretend to care that they were laid off” and “volunteer to pass their resume along to everyone you know even though it’ll never leave your inbox.” This chick who won’t speak to you…she might be one of those people. Consider it.

Q: First I want to introduce myself, my name is Johnny Quest, I’m 23 and working as an engineer for an oil and gas company. I recently came across a problem and need a bro there to show me the right path. My girlfriend of 2 years recently broke up with me, took my dog and went to “go find herself”. I don’t really know how to take it, she says that our relationship was perfect and she was just not happy with herself, work and school. I supported her, gave her a place to live for free, paid for everything she needed and pretty much let her live a stress free life. Do I try to get her back since I’ve invested so much already? Should I just move on to the next one? I can’t figure out if I’m missing her or missing the company. Anyways, I’m in a rut and not sure what to do. My frat bros have been trying to help but I can’t seem to feel closure from this relationship.

A: Rejection is fucking brutal, especially when it comes by surprise and from someone you loved. One minute you’re skipping through life, shitting out rainbows and then BOOOOOOOM, next thing you know you’re heart’s ripped from your chest and you’ve spent the last 48 hours sitting in the dark listening to “Black” on repeat while trying to preserve the smell she left on your pillow. Not that I’d know about that shit from experience…

It blows, don’t it? Getting ditched blows something fierce, friend. Big buffalo cock or something of similar magnificent stature. And for a while it’s going to continue to, but don’t chase her. Don’t play the pathetic guy. Go live your life and cutoff all communication with her. Living well and POSTING IT ALL OVER THE INTERNET is the only way to make her see what she’s lost. Just look how well it’s working out for Dan Bilzerian. (Side note: he’s doing stellar work if his whole online persona was brought on by heart ache.)

Q: Hey JCamm, how’s it going? I asked about how you picked the right college and thankfully, I found mine and I start at The University of Dayton this fall. Getting started for some of the best years ever isn’t the problem. The other day I had started talking to this girl (out of my league, but I play with confidence because if you don’t, then you’ll go nowhere) and she’s a Junior at UD. Now, she’s been saying how she’s been getting tweets and shit from other incoming freshman telling her “hey, I’m gonna be a freshman” and what not. When it came to me though, she ended up sliding into my DM’s and made contact first. I’m the only one she actually wants to talk to while these other dumbasses try to impress her and making themselves look like idiots. After getting to know her over the last 2 weeks, I feel that she’s pretty cool and definitely would want to hang and maybe even down to go out it. My question: how hard do you think it would be to hookup with an upperclassmen within my first year? I feel like it’s completely possible and I feel that she’s into me just based off the conversations we’ve had. What do you think? Thanks for whatever advice you give me JCamm.

A: I doubt this girl would have reached out in the first place if there wasn’t a shred of “let’s fuck” interest coursing through her veins. So I’m putting your chances at very high, unless you do something juvenile to sabotage yourself.

What you need to consider, though, is if this chick is as hot/cool/popular as advertised, she could probably do a fair amount of damage to your social life for the next few years if you royally botch the exchange of fluids. Nothing hurts a guy’s reputation at college more than a gum-flapping chick who left unsatisfied and won’t rest until the world knows it. Then again, she might just be in this conversation to fuck and chuck you, which is obviously the college version of the American Dream.

Submit your Ask a Bro questions here.

[Image via ShutterStock]

J. Camm

About J. Camm...

J. Camm is the Managing Editor of BroBible. He is a graduate of the University of Miami thanks mostly in part to a world-class short-term memory. When not writing drivel on the Internet, J.Camm enjoys golf and the inexplicable satisfaction that comes with forgetting a person's name the exact instant he meets them.