I’m Dating A Cougar And She’s Killing Me In Bed, HELP!
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Q: I’m a 22 year old dating a 35 year old woman. To keep matters short, we have sex all the time but it’s at the point where I put so much work into it she’s cumming more than I am. Even when she’s on top I’m working harder! How do I tell her she has to put in more work during sex without sounding like a total dick?
A: Alright young stud, let’s take it easy here. It’s hilarious and nearly impossible for me to imagine why a 35 year old woman would ever jump in the sack with a frat boy–that’s simply a cougar of another caliber–but from the sound of it you’re doing something right. A lot right, in fact. So kudos to you.
At the same time though, how did you get roped into this? Is she your sugar mama? Is she friends with your real mama? I would be careful with this one. It feels to me like she’s having a crisis of age/beauty/sexuality/etc and you don’t want to be at the forefront of that.
Now, to your question regarding how you’re such a fucking stallion in the sack and how she isn’t trying hard enough. Maybe we’re starting to uncover why she put you on the payroll in the first place–to fucking rock her body like the young dude you are, precisely so she DOESN’T have to work hard. In all likelihood telling her to exert more effort will land your ass on the curb with some hot-bodied 22-year old replacement in her bed by sundown, so it really depends on what you’re looking for here. If you’re not done suckling the teet then fucking man-up and WERK. Otherwise, shack up with someone closer to your own age rather than your mothers’.
Q: Throughout college and after graduating, I’ve noticed that a large number of the girls I’ve fooled around with have either had boyfriends/fiancés/been in some stage of fighting and/or breakup with their significant other. A lot of times I’ve found this out after a one-night stand. Is there a certain type of guy that attracts would-be cheaters? If this is the case, how do I change this part of my persona?
A: The type of guy who attracts cheaters is the overly aggressive, non-committal sexy bro. No girl can lock him down and the wildcard factor is a panty dropper. The guy who attracts girls who claim to be in a relationship as a way to exit the situation…is a whole different story.
If a girl has a shitty one-night-stand and the dude returns looking for more, chances are she won’t be an asshole and tell him he sucks in the sack. There’s no reason for that sort of hostility, unless of course he deserves it. One of my most epic experiences with my roommate was overhearing her tell a dude that he was the absolute worst lay she’s ever had and then hearing his shell shocked response. After removing a condom halfway through sex, he deserved it. So it goes.
Either way, you’ve gotta understand that this “coincidence” you keep running into is probably much less of a coincidence than you think.
Like the emperor himself, you’ve got to get a new groove. Maybe you’re too drunk when you bring girls home and things get a little sloppy, or maybe you’ve got some room to work on being more of a gentleman. Perhaps your sheets are filthy, or you wear whitey tighties. I don’t know. Frankly, I don’t want to know. At this point, all we know is that you’re consistently doing something wrong. So for your own sake, take the time for some serious introspection and think about what could change for the better.
Q: My girlfriend found out I was on Tinder from her friends who saw my profile (no, I didn’t match with them). She flipped a shit and broke up with me. Any advice on how to explain to her that guys and girls use Tinder differently (guys use it to kill time and have a laugh at who is on there while girls use it to go on dates) and I’m not cheating on her?
A: Let’s not fuck around here pretending that Tinder is an alternative form of Linkedin or Facebook. If you have a girlfriend, there is absolutely no reason you should have downloaded Tinder to your phone at any point,
unless you’re looking for a replacement girlfriend. Period. I, like any other reasonable chick, would be fucking livid if I glanced at my boyfriends phone while he casually swiped “yes” on some babe who lives less than a mile away. Sure its funny, just like chat roulette was funny for a while–but there’s nothing innocent or non-sexual about it.
Tinder is a way to look at hot people, talk to them, and hopefully maybe end up sleeping with somebody. If you’re looking to kill time, buy a fucking book. Get into Sudoku. If you can’t let go of your phone, download a different app, like CandyCrush or Spotify. I don’t know, figure it out. You, me, and your girlfriend and all know that this gender-based rationalization of Tinder usage is total bullshit. I hope you get catfished.
Q: Babe, I’m a young athletic black bro. I mean I’m a bro in every sense of the word. Prep school, Southern Tide, J. Crew, the whole 9 yards…but for some reason I just can’t seem to seal the deal with white women. How can be my bro-self and still get laid?
A: Very sorry to hear that. From what you’re putting down I’m picking up a hot bod, smooth moves, ambition and an impressive libido, aka things I don’t hate. Alas, I’m also sensing that you’re living in the midst of a stereotypical time-warped southern college environment. Where, as unfortunate as it is true, racism still exists. I’m admitting it because I’ve seen it. I went to school in the south and recognized the majority of black dudes struggle WAY more with chicks than their white bread cohorts. Personally, I hold none of these sentiments as my own. I think it’s ridiculous. And more importantly, black dudes are way smoother than white dudes. It’s like science. But a lot of girls growing up in that bubble are hesitant to break out of it based on what they’ve been taught is the “right” way to go about things.
In this sense, there is very little you can do to improve your chances while still living in the campus microcosm. Hate to say it, but I wouldn’t want to lead you astray. There is, of course, always the chance that you’re actually annoying, rude, unattractive, and little to none of your difficulties are race-based. In the meantime, perhaps you want to branch out to resources at other colleges or outside of your own community. Everybody’s got to strike out a few times to really make it.
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