The United States sent men to the moon in 1969. During the 1980’s we saw the rise of the home computer, completely redefining the way people communicate with one another and obtain information. In November 2011, the complete box set of Boy Meets World was released to DVD, allowing us to finally have chronological proof as to how as the series progressed from each season to the next, Topanga got progressively fatter. (I know you’ve thought about it before. Serves her right for ending up with a neurotic guy like Corey Matthews. I always thought that Minkus kid should have had a chance to tap that. He had brains and could spit game like a pimp.) While these dates all represent profound achievements that have had vast impacts on American Culture, I’d like to point out one product that has garnered an immense amount of popularity within recent years, yet for which I am NOT a fan of, that being the 100 Calorie Pack.
First off (ladies) don’t say you “like” 100 Calorie packs. You might like the “idea” that they’re only 100 calories, in the same way that Tom Cruise “liked” the idea of being married to a beautiful, former child star who warmed hearts for years on Dawson’s Creek, OR how white people “like” the idea they can walk into any convenience store and buy a pack of Magnum Condoms, BUT that does not make it genuine, or realistic. Can you really blame Tom though? I mean Katie did star on Dawson’s Creek with the kid who played Charlie Conway from The Mighty Ducks. If I found out that a girl got her nails manicured by Kenny Wu’s Korean mother, I would probably wife her up simply based off of the connection she has to the greatest children’s movie trilogy of all time. Just saying.
Have you ever looked inside of a 100 Calorie Pack? There are 5 fucking cookies with the consistency of cardboard stuffed inside of a tiny vacuum-sealed bag. Of course they aren’t a lot of calories, because there’s hardly anything there! People get the same feeling when looking inside a 100 Calorie Pack as small-dicked men do when they look inside of their underwear. How does it feel that Angelina Jolie has adopted more tiny kids than you have inside of your snack? Do you know why Rudy Eugene (the Naked Cannibal in Miami) ate that homeless man’s face off? Because all he had for a snack that day was a 100 Calorie Pack and he was fucking hungry, that’s why. I guarantee if you sent a box of hundred calorie packs to starving children in Ethiopia, they would send a letter back saying “Dear Americans, you selfish bastards. Just because we’re starving, doesn’t mean we will reduce ourselves to eating this shit. Don’t think we don’t know about the Cheesecake Factory and their absurd size portions. Take your fucking manila folder flavored chips back, and at least send us some 6 foot high Chinese chicken bullshit salads and a few Raspberry-Peanut Butter-Snickers-Heart Attack flavored cheesecakes.”
And have you ever examined the physical appearance of any 100 Calorie Pack cookie? Last time I checked Oreos are not supposed to look like Senior Citizens with liver spotted hands. The whole point of eating an Oreo is that you have the ability to tear its two cookie parts off, enabling the exposure of the white cream filling. EVERYONE knows that Oreos were first introduced after the Emancipation of Slavery as a metaphorical device displaying how Black people could overcome and eventually co-exist with their white counterparts. Is that it, 100 Calorie Pack creators, do you hate Black people?
Also, what sick fuck working at the 100 Calorie Pack factory decided he was going to teach the world a geometry lesson by making the cookies shaped like little hexagons. To quote every high school math student ever “why do we have to learn about this shit if we’re never going to have to use it in real life?” Well guys, we were wrong. Was the square or circle too mundane for the 100 Calorie Pack creators? We get it, your edgy (figuratively and literally). If I wanted to learn geometry, I would do it the old fashioned way like Lil’ Bow Wow did in Like Mike when he painted his geometry homework on the side of Tracy Reynolds mansion in Red Paint. Hey, I hear The Kiebler Elf struggled for years with calculus, but he didn’t just go and put the Pythagorean Theorem on the back of his cookie boxes next to the nutritional facts.
Listen, I completely understand the fact that the media has had a deleterious effect on America’s self-perceptions regarding physical appearance. We see models and celebrities that have “perfect” physiques. You want to be thin and look good and that’s O.K. because it’s human nature. But, as a society lets stop cutting corners and trying to take shortcuts to achieve these goals. You want to be healthy and look good, then stop eating unhealthy food. If eating unhealthy food makes you happy, then go for it, but there simply can’t be a middle ground. Let’s not “sugar coat” what we already know, and that is that a tiny chip that tastes like dirt, is most certainly not a cookie. Just because something exhibits similar characteristics to something else, does not mean it is the real thing. Khloe Kardashian can fuck a massive black athlete on the regular and be famous for nothing, but that does not mean she’s Kim Kardashian! (Maybe Lamar had such an awful past season because he finally realized his wife looks more like professional wrestler than she does a woman.)
I ask you, America, why can’t we let kids just be kids and eat a pack of Chips Ahoy? If our women want to indulge and eat an entire box of Cheez-Its, why not let them just go to the gym and elliptical on level 3 for 45-minutes, making themselves proud for burning off 50 calories by doing a cop-out cardio workout. If we keep going down this long, dark 100-calorie-infused road, what will be next? Will the Cookie Monster have to change his name to The 100 Calorie Pack Monster? Will children be drinking shot glasses of Juicy Juice instead of juice boxes at the cafeteria lunch tables? Will Lindsey Lohan resort to eating 100 calorie packs instead of sticking to the old fashioned diet of cocaine and bulimia? We can’t let this happen. To quote one of the greatest pieces of literature ever written, “if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask for a glass of milk.” Well, if you give him a 100 Calorie Pack, he’ll probably tell you to go fuck yourself and come back with a real dessert.”