1. Half-marathon bumper sticker owners
Awesome work. You did half of something. This sort of perseverance and dedication is probably why you’re driving a Geo Prism so shitty you feel comfortable putting bumper stickers on it.
Comfort is an excuse for keeping your hands down your sweatpants when company is over. Not for fucking Crocs. Shut up and chop off your feet.
3. People who don’t like Will Smith
How is this even possible? You probably also correct Autistic kids’ pronunciation.
Fine, you don't like some of his new stuff. That's cool. But Big Willy has every genre covered. You forget how many incredible movies he's done, and that's not even mentioning The Fresh Prince and “Gettin' Jiggy With it.” Try not to tear up during The Pursuit of Happiness or Seven Pounds. He's also in an open relationship. Hellllloooo.
4. First Take watchers
The good news is that there are millions of gullible idiots who I can exploit to make millions on a ridiculous product I invent. (Speaking of which, there should a sword in the stone video game at every bar. How does this not exist? Whoever pulls the sword from the stone on a given night is knighted and receives a free round of shots for everyone in their party.)
5. Humans who don’t have BroBible bookmarked
Some things are just factual: The sun is hot. Boobs are nice. BroBible should be read every day. Pretty standard stuff here.
6. People who call in golf rules violations
The fact you even took the time to track down this phone number means you’re a horrible person. I hope you lose every $5 nassau for the rest of your life because you accidentally grounded your club in a bunker. Next time you're searching for balls in the pond in front of #7 while there's a group behind you on the tee, I hope an alligator goes all Chubbs on your ass. I hope someone hits you in the balls with a punch 2-iron.
7. The coupon-obsessed
Grow up, Peter Pan. If you spent 25% of the energy you spend on your coupon crusade on say, your job, you wouldn’t need to save $0.50 on Count Chocula. If you had a better job, you could spend more money on Cyber Monday, and possibly even help our economy (This is my favorite rationale after a $150 night at the bar. i probably didn't need 15 Fireball shots for strangers, but hey, the GDP appreciated it.) Unless BOGO reach-arounds are on special, cool your jets.
8. People who don’t have cable / a TV at all
If I didn’t have a TV, I’d have a lot more time for working out or reading. I’d talk about how great my abs were or how Elon Musk’s Space X quest is going. I wouldn’t tell every single fucking person who brings up Game of Thrones that I don’t have a fucking TV and that it’s great. It’s not. It's weird. Why don’t you have cooler hobbies? Why are you unaware of current events? GTFO.