Q: You've ignored my other futile attempts to ask you a question, mighty J. Camm, so I come to you with a rather simple request. My girlfriend is ALWAYS complaining about how fat she is, how she needs to go to the gym, blah blah blah. As of late, it has really started to show and I really want her to start hitting the gym before I get so repulsed that I just break it off with her. What would be the correct way of telling her that she is, in fact, getting a little too chub chub for me, without coming off as the biggest dickwad to walk this almighty earth? I'm just fed up with her complaining so much when she doesn't fucking do anything to change it.
A: Bro, I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. I'm always here for you. That is, when I'm not off being a neglectful prick.
Obviously you don’t want to come straight out and say, “Hey O! Somebody looks like they’re about to go into hibernation!” or anything insenstive that will make her want to keep the weight on to spite you. The good news for you is you can avoid confrontation altogether; she’s been complaining, she is self-aware, she just has no idea how to put the wheels in motion. Here's how you can do that for her:
[Side Note: Some of these will suck for you. Love is arduous, what the fuck do you want from me?]
- Plan a trip somewhere that requires her in a bathing suit. Money out of your pocket is worth the fat off of her ass.
- Next time she brings up her weight, immediately offer to exercise with her. After she completes a full two weeks give her a gift card to Lululemon, that will guilt her into at least sticking around for the entire month and if you can get her hooked for a month you may win this battle after all.
- Sign the both of you up for a 10K. No one needs to train for a 5K but if she is woefully out of shape she'll need to do some training for a 10K. And yes, I know running sucks but you've got to kick start this chick's motor.
- Take small steps to fix her diet, which is probably dog shit and the reason she is inflating up in the first place.
- If all else fails, pull out a Sharpie and start circling her fat. I've heard this works wonders.
Q: Alright, so I've been dating this girl (let's call her A) for over a year but the catch is that she lives 3 hours away. I really like her blah blah blah whatever and I see her a lot but when I go out with my friends when she's not around my hormones really just get the best of me. I've cheated on her with around 12 girls and banged about half of them and A has no idea so it really is just beautiful. The bad part is that I start to feel guilty as fuck the morning after because I know for a fact that she hasn't cheated on me because I have some good friends in the town she lives in. She also buys me some really bro merchandise. Should I keep dating A or should I break it off for her sake and lose the deal on the presents? Or should I try and stop cheating on her? I'm at a loss.
A: Everyone, say hello to Me Ten Years Ago. Me Ten Years Ago, say hello to Everyone.
Now that we're all acquainted, I'll tell you to break it off with your loving, naive, gift-farm of a girlfriend. Right now you're in fuck everything mode. It's a terrific place to be, but not when you can get caught by, and hurt, someone you care about. Despite what everyone else reading this thinks you probably do care about her, the timing is just not right — distance, curiosity, substance abuse, and unfamiliar puss are all playing factors in your decision making process — and stopping the relationship now before your house of cards falls is going to be better for your relationship with this girl in the long run.
Who knows where you'll be mentally in a year or so, but right now your dick is steadfast in its mission and if you keep this up you're bound to hit choppy waters. There are too many wildcards and uncontrollable factors to sustain this without getting caught. And when you do get caught your current girlfriend will never look at you the same, effectively murdering most, if not all, of your chances at a future with her.
I've been in your shoes, walked a grueling amount of miles, too and what I'm saying is this: if you can't get your genitalia to agree to a cease fire with other broads, break it off with your current chick so you can at least sling your cock guilt free.
Q: Some of the funniest parts of a conversation with my bros is when we are talking about a girl and refer to her as something other than her real name. some of the better ones we have used/come up with include, but are not limited to, cock socket, slampig, dick garage, and hole. what are some of the better names you have used to describe chicks either individually or in a herd?
A: You're basically just listing names you can call any chick. My friends and I used to assign actual names to individual chicks based on actions or appearance. There were several here are the few I can remember:
Fuck My Pussy – A name earned by a girl who yelled it so many times during sex one night I questioned whether or not I was actually even inside her.
BTG – Big. Tan. Girl. She was a real Amazon.
Donkey Tits – Huge tits, face of a donkey. Doesn’t get less original than this.
Poopface – The morning after sex she wiped her face with her hand forgetting she fingered my friend’s asshole the night before. Whenever he tells the story the skiddy on her face gets longer. I think now it went from her forehead to her chin now.
Nickelbags – An ugly pot-marked face girl my friend dated. He claimed he would “turn that nickel into a dime.” I'm sad to report that he was unable to achieve that.
George Washington – This chick had a brown dead tooth that looked wooden. Would probably make nice canoe.
Q: Is classic rock bro? I know that your average bro is more into EDM, rap, Jack Johnson, Dispatch, etc. But can classic rock be considered bro? Granted it's more of something your dad would listen to, but any thoughts on that?
A: Look here, all this EDM ballyhoo will end. In a few years the EDM songs are your iTunes will be the ones that you skip right over like that Lady Gaga song you accidentally downloaded a few years ago. What? You never downloaded a Gaga song? “Poker Face” was fire when it dropped, eat my ass.
Classic rock has the word classic in front if it for a reason. Electronic Disposable Music, it is not.
When the smoke clears, classic rock will remain. Unless Bruce Springsteen murders a pregnant woman “Glory Days” will never come on in a bar to boos. Bob Seger will still remind us that it's normal, even funny, how the night moves. And people will continue to not consider Eddie Money as the premier lyricist of the 20th century.
Shame on us for that.
Q: Okay, so I'm in a relationship with a good-looking girl and she keeps me sexually satisfied. However, as I walk around campus, I can't stop thinking about all the other college girls I haven't had sex with but want to bang. Am I a normal guy or an undeserving prick?
Also Fuck Marry Kill: crazy Brittany Spears, post-drugs Tara Reid, current Amanda Bynes.
A: Dude, you're a dude. Wanting to sleep with other women is as natural as having a daily bowel movement. That urge dies when we die. The trick is keeping it under control or staying single.
Tough marry, fuck, kill you've proposed here.
If we're talking Brittany Spears at the height of her insanity, I'm killing that bitch. When she shaved her head she looked like Jim Norton. No thanks.
I guess I'll fuck Tara Reid and marry Amanda Bynes. Rational behind that choice is I figure at this point Reid is mentally beyond repair while I have a puncher's chance at unfucking all that is fucked in Bynes' head. I'll, of course, do that by fucking her.
Q: Is it bro to go behind your best bro's back and hit up his ex girl. Basic summary of how I found out my bro was doing this to me. We use the same laptop, I get on it to use Facebook, he is already logged in and it's on his messages. More precisely to my ex girl. One message to her says “Hey what are you girls getting into tonight I could possible stretch myself, If you make it interesting”. Now is that bro or no bro? How should I confront this, if at all? Keep in mind we live together and have worked together for the past 3 years and will be for at least the next 3 years. Thanks, Bro
A: Difficult to deduce his motives from that one message. Sure, it's a scumbaggish move to contact your ex, but for all you know he might be leaning on her so he can hook up with her friends. Or he might have midnight dreams about sexing her crotch for all it's worth.
Either way, say something. You can't really admit you snooped through his shit like a chick, so lie. Tell him your ex told you he was messaging her. If she ever denies telling you, be all like, “That dumb bitch is really going to pretend that she didn't tell me? How else would I know you contacted her, Jeff? HOW?” That'll force his hand into spilling the truth and also reconsider ever messaging your loose-lipped ex again. That bitch can't keep anything to herself.
Q: Two-parter for ya;
Wayfarers or Aviators?
Weightlifting gloves or no?
A: Here's a non-answer for you: wayfarers AND aviators. If I must choose, however, I'm probably going aviators, nothing comically large, though.
No gloves for me, I like my hands having the consistency of burlap for when the golf season starts. But if you're going to wear weightlifting gloves you should definitely cop some tan flesh-toned ones and really douche it up. Maybe grow a Bosworth mullet, too. Go for broke.
Q: Is being straightedge bro?
A: Yes, but not nearly as Bro as being serrated. Or a double threat like, say, John Rambo's knife.
While I have you here can we, once and for all, stop asking if shit is “Bro?” Do you guys really go around having conversations regarding the Bro-ness of behavior or objects? I sure as fuck hope not. Just live, goddammit.
Q: For years I've whacked it by turning over onto my stomach in bed and smashing my dick into the mattress, or by applying pressure to it while it lays between my thighs. I thought this was genius cuz I could do it fully clothed with no sound and no mess (just went to the bathroom immediately after and wiped jizz out of my boxers before it was absorbed) and never had any problems. However while bored during finals week, I decided to try the hand job method. What the fuck….. Got incredibly bored immediately and felt kinda gay at first. After I got some rhythm down, I surprisingly attained a massive erection. But if I stopped or slowed down at all, it quickly went away. After watching some chick get banged on my laptop for 10 minutes and still not being able to finish I got bored and stopped. Five minutes later I pulled out a big ass tube of aloe vera and decided to try again. Finally got the nut and again, what the fuck. Fucking jizz everywhere and my stroke was too powerful to stop immediately so then there was jizz all over my dick, my hand, my desk, fucking everywhere. So I'm sitting there trying to put my shit away and leave my room to get to the bathroom and wash off. I start walking down the hallway and there are people walking around so I'm trying to cover my goddamn hand since it's covered in cum. Besides being solid until I had to reapply a shit ton of aloe gel it seemed like a whole lot of trouble. Is it possible to avoid these difficulties or do you just do what you gotta do?
Q: What the fuck did I just read? You previously “whacked it” by grinding your mattress or wedging your dick between your thighs and thinking hard? This has got to be a goddamn joke. If it’s not, buy a box of tissues or keep a dirty sock nearby for Christ’s sake. Never, EVER, leave the confines of your room with a fresh load stuck to your palm, unless, of course, you want to show your entire floor what you would look like with webbed fingers.
Q: Is it useful to tell an ex-girlfriend that you cheat on her(before breaking up) just for being honest?
A: Useful? Oh, absolutely it's useful…to make her feel like an insignificant, never-loved human being unworthy of yours or anyone else's monogamy. Assuming, of course, that that is your end game. Otherwise, it’s not in your best interest to tell her.
Q: Okay so an ex boyfriend of mine is really mad at me because he cheated on his girlfriend with me and we got into a fight and I ended up telling her what had happened between us. I've given him some space for about 6 months now, and I've been told that he still does little things that show he misses me. How do I get him to forgive me?
A: You helped break up a happy home and then you threw him under the bus to his girlfriend and then you had the audacity to come to me for guidance? That takes some fuckin' moxie, but you are just THE WORST. I've got no time to assist you in further ruining this Bro's life. No advice for you.
Now go suck 37 unwashed dicks and think about what you've done.
[Lose weight image via ShutterStock]