by Victoria McKenzie on October 26, 2012

Since being “the guy that can’t get it up” is your worst fear, here are three scenarios that will result in a title that you can live with.

“The Pleaser”
Assuming that you’re not hooking up with a rapist that preys on drunk frat guys, the girl you’re with is probably drunk too. You’ll know long before she will that you won’t be getting it up so as soon as you realize it, kiss your way down her stomach and get to work. Did you know that 75% of women need extra stimulation outside of sex to get off? So forget all the porn you’ve watched where they make out for a minute, start humping and she orgasms. That’s called acting. Since there’s no rush, take your time down there and get into. She certainly won’t stop you and after fifteen to twenty minutes of total bliss, she’ll probably be ready for bed. Congrats you just changed your title from the “guy who can’t get it up” to “my best oral, ever.”

“The Responsible/Sensitive Guy”
This will only work on a girl you are hooking up with for the first time. If she is totally oblivious to the dilemma let it slip that you don’t have a condom. Tell her you’re sorry and will make it up to her but you feel like it would be irresponsible to have sex without one. Besides, you guys haven’t known each other that long and you wouldn’t want her to do something that she regrets. Just be warned, this could result in having to get to know each other better so brace yourself for some talking, spooning and the possibility of a stage five clinger. Sorry, but it’s better than the cheerleading squad finding out you’re a Mr. Softee.

“The Realist”
Uh oh, you’ve tried everything but she’s a smutt and still insists on trying to give you a blow job. Five minutes into flaccid fellatio and she knows what’s up – or in this case down. She is starting to act weird. Before you assume that she is judging you, consider how she may be feeling. The girl just came home with you, ripped off all her clothes; started giving you head in her lingerie and you can’t get hard. Immediate reaction: What’s wrong with me? Girls sometimes get embarrassed or stressed out when you don’t get hard. She’ll usually play it off like it’s not a big deal but really her mind is racing through her diet the past week. Save her the emotional scarring and yourself from horrific embarrassment by showing her that it’s not a big deal. Own up to it, apologize for having too much to drink and then make it up to her. Resort back to “The Pleaser” section of this article.

Bottom line: Whiskey dick is not the end of the world. Nine times out of ten you can get out of any rumor spreading by apologizing and getting her off. If she is a huge bitch and starts telling people that you have a “problem” just laugh it off and tell them you couldn’t get it up because she’s fat. 

Xo, McKenzie