I don’t know if anyone has heard, but apparently it’s supposed to storm a little bit on the East Coast the next couple of days. People are calling it things like “The Perfect Storm,” “Frankenstorm,” and “Apocalyptico.” I prefer to call it by its proper name: rain. I understand that these things are often “serious” and “life-threatening,” but I like to look at natural disasters like the recession: if you’re an upper-middle class white person on the East Coast, they don’t really affect you. Let’s take a look at this storm and see how we can survive it.
The Name: I think it’s stupid that we still pick names for hurricanes from “The Baby Book for WASPS in 1960.” I don’t think I should be scared by anything named Sandy. What we should do is start naming these things after professional wrestlers or monster trucks. Hurricane ThunderFucker would probably make people take it a lot more seriously. It would also save us the flood (pun!) of terrible jokes that people will inevitably make on twitter. I’ve already made like three (Spongebob, Grease, The OC. Easy).
Panic: There’s one thing that’s for sure. No matter how terrible this storm turns out to be, it will be NOTHING compared to what people have been hyping it up to be. My local Target is sold out of bottled water. HELLO. HURRICANES ARE MADE ENTIRELY OF WATER. That being said, I don’t want to hear about how it’s not the worst thing in the world if my power goes out. Siri drains my battery like a motherfucker, and if I can’t tweet about how awful it is to not be able to see my live-updated fantasy stats or watch NFL Redzone, I might as well not wake up in the morning.
Supplies: There are dozens of emergency survival lists that tell you everything you need to survive the impending black out. I’ll give you the real essentials:
- Booze: I mean, what the hell else are you going to do if you can’t look at internet porn or watch TV?
- Yankee Candles: They’re like regular candles, which provide light or some shit, but they smell fantastic. The perfect mood setter for the awesome “Hey, we should do this just in case the world ends,” sex that you’re going to have.
- Cheez-Its: They hit all the major nutritional food groups (probably). I mean, if you can’t heat up frozen Hot Pockets, what else are you realistically going to cook? Canned food? Come on, we’re not peasants.
- Kayak: There’s no better way to get on TV than by kayaking down a flooded main street. During a State of Emergency, all rules go out the window. You can go take anything you want, until the National Guard steps in, so you should get a vehicle to take you to the sunken Best Buys and liquor stores.
You can buy matches and duct tape too, I guess, but we don’t really need them. We’ll just cower in fear while Japan and Indonesia tell us to man up and stop being pussies. Me, I’ll be challenging the thing to a fistfight from my roof.