Don’t get me wrong, being single is wonderful. Going out four times a week, crafting lies to get unsuspecting barflies into bed, and doing whatever the f*ck you want to do at all times. These are the tenets on which a happy life is built. But eventually, you meet that special someone and, after weighing all your options, ask her to marry you. You ink that ass to a lifetime contract with a no-trade clause.
That’s the way of the world. Those of you who aren’t there yet should keep living the lascivious lifestyle for all it’s worth. God knows you can’t go back, no matter how much you might want to. Those who are there already, however, will have to deal with a bachelorette weekend.
And it’s brutal. Your mind will wander. You’ll question God in a moment of weakness.
I know this because it just happened to me. But through pain and mistakes come knowledge and learning. I’ve compiled a couple of can’t-miss tips to help you cope with this trying time. Heed this advice, betrothed brethren, or forever hold your grudges.
Ignorance is bliss
Trust me, you don’t want to know what’s going on. My fiancée went to Las Vegas, a place where unfaithfulness is celebrated alongside neon lights and flamboyant tiger trainers. I knew who was going, which is also something you should avoid learning. Knowing that your love’s loosest friends will be calling the shots won’t help your mental status. The thought of them triple-teaming a Brazilian tourist won’t help the time go any faster. Disregard anything those public-service announcements told you. Knowledge isn’t power, it’s a mind f*ck.
Hide your phone
Under no circumstances should you call, text, or check up on your bride-to-be. Not only does this send giant insecure messages, it will also hamper her from really enjoying herself. If she feels like you’re playing parole officer on her game of pin-the-dick-on-the-drunk-guy, newer, more explicit rules may be introduced. Also, being at her beck and call gives her all the power. Don’t forget that you, too, are alone and a threat. Make her sweat it out a bit by not returning any drunk dials. Two can play that game.
Drink. A lot. It makes the time go faster, the apprehension melt away, and, well, it’s just a hell of a time. This is your weekend to go places you like. They don’t have to be approved by a third-party arbiter. Want to get wasted at 10 in the morning watching soccer? Do it. You’ve no one to answer to. Want to end up a strip club and not have to worry about washing the scent of high-priced gash off your person? Saddle up, cowboy.
Bachelor it up
The greatest downside to living with a woman is the constant nagging, especially about grooming, eating, and television-watching habits. Outside of a lucky few, taken men are forced to abandon their pizza-box living, Game-of-Thrones-marathon-watching ways. Not during this weekend. Personally, I ate chicken wings and threw the bones around the room like I was a dinosaur. No one said a f*cking thing. ADVANTAGE ME. Turn your house into Brazzers Central, if that’s your thing. She may be at Hedonism, but, dammit, you can go live there too.