Q: First of all, I'm a girl but I read BroBible all the time and this is my favorite part of it, so props. I've been dating my current boyfriend almost six months now. In the beginning, I'll admit I had some serious trust issues as I've been cheated on in the past but for the past month and a half or so things have been going really well. Until, of course, I found out that he has been talking on FB with a random girl who has been telling people how badly she wants to get with him and how she doesn't care he has a gf. I brought this up to him a few weeks ago and asked if he knew her, and he said barely but she messages him occasionally. I later found out through a friend of mine who lives with this girl that they continuously talk so when I brought it up again my boyfriend admitted he had been talking to her and “failing to mention” he had a gf, even though he had many opportunities to. Long story short(er), we are still together but I'm having trust issues with him for lying to me about their relationship if you could even call it that, and have been feeling needy. I know this is the LAST thing I should do, so do you have any advice that might help me before I inevitably end up pushing him away?
A: You've got to hand it to us dudes, we love the shit out of some green fuckin' grass, don't we? Relentless in our pursuit of that lush, emerald sod. We're all sons of bitches to the very end, never happy with the lawn we have…
I think it's evident that your dude either has a mild case of Grass is Always Greener Syndrome — doing some preemptive window shopping for when you piss him off real proper — or he just wants to innocently remind himself that in spite of being in a relationship with you he's “still got it.” Both scenarios fall under the category of shit you shouldn't tolerate. And if he's not being Johnny Forthcoming about your relationship while talking to this rando online, imagine his answer to “do you have a girlfriend?” when he's out at a bar. “Naw, haven't had one in almost a year. My last girlfriend was a psycho bitch, too, she always thought I was cheating on her.” Then he'll gush to her about all the annoying shit you currently do, as the chick has the audacity to promise she's not like that bitch ex-girlfriend of his at all (she is), and she'll also swear she loves watching football while simultaneously making him a sandwich as he pummels her anus (Basically, she is the perfect chick). Later that night, the two of them will probably suck face on the dance floor while roughing up each other’s genitals over the pants. The next morning he'll wake up and think about dumping you for greener turf, but he'll quickly and deeply regret last night’s sordid affair once his friend shows him a photo of the muffin-topped, lazy-eyed sloth he drunkenly swore was a hard 8.5.
How do I know all this? Oh, it's just like a hunch and shit.
So you have three options: insist that he stops with the Facebook bullshit because clearly this chick is dead set on hanging from his branch, leave him altogether, or continue to be a whipping post for the rest of your life.
Q: Would you rather be one of those guys who is very observant and articulate (kind of like a mix between Sherlock Holmes and Jason Bourne)? So that you can impress people by knowing everything about them just by looking at them once and you can know the exact temperature just by being outside, things like that…
Have one of those friends that’s unrealistically good at computers and hacking. So that he could do things like change traffic lights and could essentially get you out of any jam that involves any sort of technology. This friend is supposedly your equal but you can reach him whenever you want and for all intents and purposes he exists only when talking/hanging out with you.
A: Friends are great and all, but I’m putting all my eggs in the numero uno basket. I want the better-than-most abilities; I want the razor sharp brain to go along with my ridiculous jawline; I want all of it. Because no shot I’m leaving myself exposed and reliant on someone else. When I’m knee deep in some terrorist shit, I need to be able to get myself out of it through critical thinking and good old-fashioned brawn. I’m not looking to phone a friend who may or may not be in front of his computer the very moment his skills are required. This is war, goddammit, not Who Wants to be a Millionaire.
Q: This is the most serious question I've ever asked… Who's more bro Mark Wahlberg or Matt Damon? Honestly I went with Mark because of Entourage but turns out Matt guest starred in it.
A: Most serious question you've ever asked… What a terrific achievement.
This one is a total toss up, but I'm going with Wahlberg. Both have made some great movies but Entourage was loosely based on Wahlberg’s life, wasn't it? Not to mention the hubris it had to take for him to say that put in the situation he could have stopped 9/11. That kind of wildly ignorant, outward self-confidence is why he continues to succeed.
Q: OK J.Camm, you filthy pig, I need some advice and you seem to be somewhat knowledgeable in this area. I'm from a very small town where everybody knows everyone. I have been fucking this girl who I will say is in my top 4 out of 50. I'm talking anal, tying her up, anything/everything the works. She recently broke up with her boyfriend for me. But this motherfucker keyed my car and flattened all my tires one night at a party. So I promptly get a ride from a friend go home get my 20 gauge go to his house and shoot his hood of his truck up and shoot all 4 tires, *nobody ever came out of his house btw, pussy*. Now this girl tells me he wants to get back with her. Although she’s killer in bed, I don't really want to date her because she’s fucking psycho and started this whole vehicle fuck fest in the first place and I don't want to be tied down. How do I go about making this hook up last as long as possible without dating her and get her not to date this guy again.
A: WHOA. A little cavalier about the whole “I shot the hood of his car with a shotgun” business, aren't you? Where the fuck do you live, Russia?
I'm honestly torn on what to say here since the wrong advice could lead to gun violence and in some fucked up way make me accountable. So I think it’s probably best for all of us if you walk away from this chick and go fuck one of the other three in your top four.
Q: I'm a cancer survivor of 15 years, which is pretty sick I guess. However, because of all the surgeries I've had, I've got a pretty big scar right on my neck. When I'm talking to chicks I feel like that's the first thing they notice. They rarely ask about it because let's be honest that would be awkward for them, and I feel like the word “cancer” freaks some people out despite the fact it's been gone for 15 years. My question is should I own this shit, or avoid bringing it up?
A: 15 years! That’s awesome to hear because Cancer is a loathsome cunt of a disease. I hope you throw a yearly “SUCK MY DICK, CANCER” party, just acting totally ungracious in victory, like a diva wide receiver would. Because honestly, fuck cancer.
That said, I’m going to disagree with you that people feel awkward about hearing you survived cancer. I would not use it as an icebreaker, “Hey, I’m Rob, survived cancer — no big deal — can I buy you a drink?” but I would tell people the truth when asked about your scar. You don't have to drop your entire story the night you meet someone but it also isn’t like you have cancer right now and you’re asking her to overlook the fact that you’re currently sick. You had it 15 years ago, for Christ's sake. And you beat it. If some stupid bitch is hung up on that, move the fuck on.
Q: Almighty J.Camm, I come to you today with the father of questions. I'm planning on asking my female companion to legally be bound to me, and I want to know the most bro way to ask her to be my wife. Heavy shit for a kickback type bro such as yourself, but I come seeking your wisdom and widespread knowledge for this request, knowing you will not disappoint.
A: Well, fuck. Congratulations and shit. And, let me just say that unbeknownst to you, you came to the right place, brotha.
A few fortnights ago, I, too, got engaged. It was unquestionably the highlight of my fiancés life. Real mood-lifter. She laughed, she cried, we tried and failed yet again at sex in her turd hatch…it was a night for the ages. So I will bestow upon you all the things I learned throughout the painstaking process that is sweeping a girl off her goddamn feet.
Jokes aside, don't fuck this up. Seriously. This is the night she will recount an innumerable amount of times over the next few years of your life; the last thing you want to do is buy her the wrong ring, embarrass her in public, or give your usual, minimal effort. Make it as perfect for her as you possibly can.
I'm not going to divulge all the details of my own engagement, but here is what important:
1. Ask her father - There’s a ninety-nine percent chance you’re already living in sin, so it’s the least you could do.
2. The ring – Buying a ring is a whole new miserable experience. You'll look at dozens of diamonds and while they'll all look the same to you on the surface, the jeweler will teach you about color and then give you his nifty magnifying glass to point out all the flaws in each. This is damning to your budget because while looking at every imperfection, you’ll suddenly think about some stupid slut pointing out a flaw in your fiancé’s ring, and you can’t have that. Your budget will increase.
The ring is vital. I don’t have to tell you that. She is going to want to text photos of that shit to every contact in her phone on the night you propose. Ask her closest friend (or friends) if she’s ever hinted about what style she wants and her potential ring size. While it might not show on her face, getting the ring wrong can ruin the entire experience.
Lastly, insure the ring before you pick it up. Insurance is cheap (like a few hundred dollars a year) and your jeweler can give you an appraisal before you even take the ring home. Or, you can be a goddamn renegade and leave losing thousands of dollars to chance. Your call.
3. Plan EVERYTHING – Tonight is not the night to hope there is an open table or to stand out in the rain and wait for a taxi. Ya heard?
4. How you do it – You will no doubt confide in a few people or search the Internet for “Ways to Propose,” but you honestly just need to go with what your gut tells you and do something that fits your circumstance. Personally, I am not a fucking walking spectacle, so while we did go out and celebrate the night I popped the question I did the actual proposal in private before dinner. For me, there was no other way. Other people are different and don’t mind having dirty strangers gawk at their moment (NOT THIS GUY), just don’t do something that you’ll think is cool but she’ll abhor, like proposing on the jumbotron at a sporting event. Believe it or not, most girls don’t consider that their dream engagement.
[image via ShutterStock]