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Q. I don't have a problem getting girls but every one of them thinks we are in a relationship. How do I change them into slampieces and also how can I avoid this in the future?
A. I've always found that partial honesty is the best way to go. Honest enough to get the point across, but partial enough so that she doesn't want to hurl herself off a cliff. We all know if the girl was hot enough you'd put her on the team in a heartbeat, but since these ones obviously aren't, just make up some bullshit about how your life is crazy right now. Say something like, "I absolutely love f*cking you, but I don't want a girlfriend right now. Work consumes my life and I can't make that type of commitment." That's merely an example. Obviously you don't have to put it that eloquently, but upon hearing something along those lines, some chicks will run because they'll take the hint, but most others — who really think you're just the ace of hearts — will keep coming back hoping that they can change you or that your "work" schedule eventually dies down.
At the end of the day, rather than completely leading her on, you laid it out there and were honest about not wanting a girlfriend. You never promised it would go anywhere and hopefully you never took her on a real date to let her assume that either. When the time eventually comes that she realizes her whole purpose to you was little more than that of a human fleshlight, she can't say you weren't straightforward from the beginning.
Q. This V-day, all I want to do is have a quiet night at home with my boyfriend. Maybe cook dinner, get a six pack of some good beer, watch something on instant Netflix, and of course some hot sex. Problem is I don’t know what movie that would hold both our interests. I like comedy and horror and he likes action. Any suggestions on something that would keep us from spending the night rolling our eyes at the screen?
A. If your email address wasn't such an obvious female name, I would have sworn, by the details you just gave, that this was my first homosexual relationship question. You sound like a good woman — I hope your vag*na always stays tightly wound. That said, the '80s and '90s gave us far more action-based comedies than the aughts have, so I would definitely look back to those years for a good movie that suits both of you. If you haven't seen them, and if you can look past Mel Gibson's intense bigotry, the "Lethal Weapons" always had a good one-two punch of humor and action. Other movies that I can easily think of are "48 Hours," "Another 48 Hours," "Beverly Hills Cop," and maybe throw in "Ghostbusters" to barely satisfy any horror you might need. Hopefully the Brommunity can chime in with other viable options.
[AG's take: Try "Zombieland": comedy, horror, and action, rolled into one.]
Q. This broad told me she wants to hook up, but she lives far away. So I don't see her that much but she keeps asking to see my junk. Would it be gay if I used my junk to get her to send some nekked pics or on skype or someshit?
A. I noticed you recently posed the same question to the Brommunity. I didn't read all the responses but I think I generally agreed with the feedback — except for the wise guy who told you to take a picture of your friend's dick and then suck it for him. Anyway, keep in mind that both of you could easily swap fake pics; so don't naively think if you send a Googled dick (or your real dick) that you won't get Googled tits in return. She probably isn't that savvy, but it's definitely a possibility.
I understand why you want the pictures: to establish dominance and show your buddies a hot chick that wants to f*ck you, but wouldn't actually f*cking her be more impressive? So, take the trip and get it done. If you really need photo evidence of this, snap a few candids while you're power bottoming the shit out of her.