Hey guys. Boatshoe Bobby here. Recently, I had the pleasure of taking a fine young lady out for a fancy dinner to commemorate the first anniversary of me trying to get in her pants. I made reservations at a trendy restaurant, ironed a shirt and did a little pre-date rubout to make myself less nervous. It promised to be a night full of feigned interest and casual sex.
Or so I thought.
Upon arrival at the restaurant, I admired the beautifully arranged dining room and basked in the sensual mood lighting. My date was looking fine and my confidence was buoyed.
Then, in one devastating moment, things began to unravel.
Upon looking at the menu, I realized I was in over my head. I mean, I shit you not, this thing was in a totally different language. And here I thought this was America. Immediately, I felt like that poor fucker from the Bud Light commercial trying to figure out that Q-word.
It was awful.
Not wanting to look like an idiot, I decided to give it the ol’ college try.
“We’ll start with the Antipasto Escrow Roll, a glass of Red Vine-o each,” I began as the waiter, a smarmy fellow who looked like a Sasha Baron Cohen character, sneered in displeasure. “Then I’ll have the Squab Porcini and she’ll have the Truffle Papparadelle.”
I felt like an idiot. I should have just asked what the fuck these things were before committing to paying top dollar for them.
Now, I consider myself a learned man. I watched the Leonardo DiCaprio version of Romeo & Juliet once and have a friend who studied abroad in college. I’m cultured. But even I sometimes have problems deciphering these fancy-ass menus.
With that in mind, I’ve developed a handy guide to help you fellas if you ever find yourself in a similar situation.
What it should be called: Fish Eggs
How to pronounce it: CAV-i-are
Should I order this: Only if you’re a Russian mobster
What it should be called: Cheese
How to pronounce it: Fer-MAGE-e-oh
Should I order this: Absolutely
What it should be called: Raw fish
How to pronounce it: TAR-TAR
Should I order this: Name one good reason not to eat raw fish
What is should be called: Butter Duck
How to pronounce it: Fwah Grah
Should I order this: If you want to see the face of God, yes
What it should be called: Fake ice cream
How to pronounce it: SHER-bert
Should I order this: Only if you’ve never experienced ice cream
What it should be called: Meat
How to pronounce it: Fill-eh MIN-yon
Should I order this: You’re a man, so yes... in bulk.
What it should be called: Dead snails
How to pronounce it: ESS-car-go
Should I order this: Hey, what you do on your own time is your business
Anyway, the point here is to always ask. Curiosity is the better part of valor. The waiter is literally there for one purpose, and it’s to facilitate you shoving as much delicious food down your gullet as humanly possible.
If dropping your pretentions is too unmanly for you, there’s always the tried-and-true method of pointing at your desired item caveman style. Do not sleep on this. You’ll at once irritate everyone around you and prove you have amazing motor skills.
Although, this comprehensive list I worked exhaustively on should make this a non-issue.
*enjoy your food