There’s a science to booze, but I don’t mean the kind of science that involves test tubes, measurements and good laboratory practices, unless you count my shot glass kit of test tubes. That thing has ensured all kinds of laboratory practices but almost none of them were good, and a good 50% involved accidental fires. Making batch party drinks is a careful balance of things that taste good, things that get you drunk, and things that keep you from wanting to dispose of the concoction you made in the nearest sink or toilet. The problem is, we can’t always design our drinks while sober. What if you run out of booze in the middle of a party? What if you decide to postgame after the bars? What if you simply spend life in a low-level buzz and can’t imagine not making your drinks with your good friend Captain Morgan giving you ideas? The answer is drunk mixology, an ancient art I learned from a zen Buddhist monk after climbing the highest peaks of the Himalayas. The shit I do to bring you all good information on how to make mixed drinks for a party…
A good drink mix is kind of like a good friendship, but instead of making memories you’re trying to make a lack of memories for you and fifty of your closest friends. You must be one with the drink. Or have one of the drinks? Both, definitely both. Trying too hard to force a good drink mix will just end with awkward interactions (people complaining all night that you just made literal fire water), but not trying hard enough will also leave everyone longing for the comparative bliss of something slightly less awful, like O’Douls or that vodka they clean hibachi tables with. Like any good friend, your drinks should be the right combination of strong and well put together, but just below the surface there should be a serious capacity for mischief. Basically, I’m talking about Everclear. It’s your friend. Love it, but respect it, because it will burn you if you try to chug it like an idiot. Like the majestic lion, Everclear is all about partying and fucking shit up. You think lions don’t party and fuck shit up? Have you even watched National Geographic?
Once you’ve selected your concept for a drink it’s time to put that bitch together like an adult Lego set, except no one is going to step on your booze and hurt their foot unless you have very strange drinking habits (or you set up Jello-shot wrestling). Now you’re “random bum on the corner” drunk, so everything is going to seem like less than you need at this point, and you might start asking random people for change. You’ll want the music louder and the drinks stronger. Don’t give in to temptation, lest your Jello shots become effective as a fuel source for Boeing 747s. Stick to the plan. If you can’t read or remember the plan, improvise with another person. I’ve always assumed two drunk minds equal one sober mind, and I’m not going to let science or psychology get in my way after getting me this far.
Scale your batch drink to at least 1.5x what you think you need, but don’t go overboard unless you want to be drinking your magical mystery punch for the next two weeks. Nobody wants that. It’s like the third best way to get some kind of horrible bacterial infection. So, what do these recipes look like? I’m glad you asked. Here’s some concrete recipe examples on how to make mixed drinks for a party:
Jungle Juice
2 bottles of Everclear
4 full containers of powdered Kool-Aid mix
3 2L bottles of Sprite/Sierra Mist/Cheap lemon-lime soda.
Mix in a giant sports cooler.
Ice to round out the volume and add some water.
Hard Apple Cider
4 gallons of actual apple cider.
1 handle of dark rum.
1 handle of fireball.
Sugar and cinnamon until it tastes awesome.
Be careful though, this shit is flammable albeit delicious.
“I’m Entirely Too Fucked Up To Be Making Drinks” Punch
2 bottles of whatever you have in the kitchen that is meant to be drank at a party.
3 bottles of whatever mixers you have around.
Hope, potentially some prayer.
Water to fill up the container.
Taste, and hope it doesn’t remind you of hobo piss.
Just remember to keep a good ratio of sweet to liquor, otherwise your booze of choice is going to burn through like sunlight burns vampires and everyone at the party will wish that they were dead the next morning. If you can taste the grain alcohol’s telltale burn while drunk enough to belt out “Don’t Stop Believing” in front of a group of strangers, you probably added too much to the mix. Just stick to the formula: whenever a mix calls for a volume of water to be added, substitute half of the water with booze. The drinks will be plenty strong but you’ll still be able to enjoy them. If you’re using some kind of juice, just add a bottle or jug half full of booze and half full of soda or water after each one is emptied into the batch. Maintaining that ratio is key.
If all of the above fails because you’re so done that simple words are beyond your faculties, just make the batch half booze and half mixer, guess on what “half” actually means and add sugar until it tastes good. If you’re looking for classy bartending tips, these aren’t it, but they’ll make sure that even while unable to spell your own name you can still keep the party rolling on late into the wee hours of the morning.
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