Life
by Fitz E Fresh on December 4, 2013

Q: I'm a college bro who broke up with his girlfriend about a month ago. I've always been the guy looking for a the right girl to settle down with (hence why I got a girlfriend spring semester of my freshman year) but I'd be lying if I said that single life in college isn't the greatest thing ever. The only issue is: my ex won't leave me alone….she shows up at my frat and freaks out if I'm hooking up with another girl, constantly texts me and asks why I'm ignoring her, and even gets her roommate to spy on me and whatever girls I've slept with since we split. I can't exactly kick her out of frat's parties because her brother is also in the house. And this has gotten to a point where some girls are literally afraid to hook up with me because of her. So please, I'm begging you, how do I tell this girl to fuck off without literally saying “fuck off”?

A: First thing I'm picking up on here is the fact that your ex is a fucking stalker. I mean we're talking Swimfan material. And in case you forgot how that rom-com ties out- spoiler alert– you could find yourself in a wheelchair, or floating face down in an Olympic size swimming pool. Which is no way to live…or die. Solution: crazybitch@hotmail.com has got to go. 

But before we dig into the specifics of this nightmarish situation you've managed to land yourself in I'd like to point out one other major mistake you've made- which is, labeling yourself. We don't like labels around here, so don't bucket yourself in with “a certain kind of guy who”…anything. You don't have to make yourself “that guy”. In doing so you're limiting yourself, and as a sophomore in college, that's the worst crime you can commit. You're a flower who's yet to blossom, so dig your roots in and spread your petals. Let yourself grow organically, without limits.

And now that I've fulfilled my quota of gayness for the day–month, even– let's return to the monkey on your back. Clearly you can't engage in any sort of public shaming because the repercussions of her brother, who is also your frat brother combined with the potential to pull a Carrie level stunt on your ass is just too big of a risk.

So since she refuses to find a distraction for herself, you're gonna have to do the work for her. That's right. It's on you to find some poor sap stupid and desperate enough to allow this leech of a lady to suck the life out of him instead of you. When it comes to seeing her around, quit talking shit and start talking her up. If she manages to behave in an even remotely acceptable manner, someone is bound to bite. Of course don't let her know your scheme, and in the instance of your success, feign shock; even jealousy. I hope you're reading this in time. God speed. 

Q: We all know social media is a brand for you now-a-days. What's the best way to manage it as a guy?

I personally can't stand people who post 100 pictures every night they go out or when they get bottle service at a local bar. But it seems like girls are more into these types of guys.

As a bodacious babe like yourself, how do you make yourself more attractive on social media(besides pictures with hot girls)? Is it better to update it constantly with pics of your weekends or is it better to barely be on it and act like you don't care about it??

A: I'm fairly unsure as to who you're referring to when you group me into the “brand we all know about nowadays”. In fact I don't know what group you could assume I associate with considering you're familiar with nothing beyond my penmanship.

But if I had to guess, I'd say you're referring to the female race. Just on a whole. Chicks. And while I do resent being grouped, and I AIN'T no brand, I'll resign to the fact that I do have boobs and a vagina and therefore can hypothetically speaking, relate on some level to the group you're trying to understand. So; into Cyberland we go.

When it comes to being a dude on the interwebs, less, is always more. While the girl you hooked up with last weekend is uploading multiple pics of her and her besties drinking Pinot and having like so much fun in the hopes of you taking notice of how hot she looks, you'll be doing the opposite. Fucking radio silence. And while you are actually sitting on your ass thinking, “Damn, she actually looks pretty hot in that picture”, she's thinking you're off somewhere having too much fun to even think about updating your status or Instagramming a picture of your table service. See how easy that shit is? A man of fucking mystery, without even lifting a finger. Touche, James Bond of the Internet. Touche. It's not the pictures that draws the girls in- it's the knowledge of the glitz and glamour. For that, rely primarily on word of mouth.

Don't however feel shy about coincidentally ending up in some pics uploaded by other babes. It's a great way to not become a complete ghost but again exert zero effort on your end.

Q: So this past weekend I had a date function, but the usual pool of girls that me and my friends ask to these things had their parents cocktail on the same night. so I ended up getting set up on this blind date and didn't expect much honestly. Turns out it was the most fun I've had at a date function in a long time- I felt like I really hit it off with the girl. She was hot, cool, and easy to talk to and completely blew those normal sluts that I hang out with out of the water. Whats the best course of action for me from here? Like I said we had never met and I don't run into her at parties and stuff. How do I pursue this without coming on too strong? We have a Christmas cocktail coming up but I'm afraid that might be too much after only hanging out for literally a few hours.

A: I agree that asking her on back-to-back date functions could be coming on too strong. Mainly because, unbeknownst to many college students, life and dates and romance can in fact exist outside of a structured fraternity environment.

Meaning…ask her out on your own; without the pretenses of a formal, often intimidating group scene. I bet she has a cellphone. It'll show your interest as well as confidence, and allow you to spend some time getting to know each other one on one- a much more quality alternative to those precious few moments where you're sharing a water bottle filled with gin on the last minutes of the party bus ride. I know it' s tough to see now, and maybe even a little intimidating, but the letters on your shirt don't mean shit once you graduate; so don't settle for mediocre women simply for convenience. Enjoy the little time you have in the glorious, glorious world that is college life with someone worthwhile; you won't regret it.

Q: So I have this thing called delayed ejaculation, which means that I can't (or rather have never been able to) finish from intercourse. I can finish from oral, but it takes a hell of a long time.

I've been going out with this girl and we haven't banged yet, but we will (hopefully) soon. Is this something I should tell her about beforehand and would it be considered a positive or a negative?

A: No need to provide a definition for that one, my friend.

Should you let the girl you're trying to bone know that she's not going to be able to make you cum while you're having sex?

The answer to that is, most definitely, yes. The last thing we want here is for her to finally build up the confidence to get in the sack with you, only to lose that same confidence on account of your lack of orgasm. I'm not saying this is dire straits here- worse things could happen. For instance, the exact opposite of your circumstance. Or a micro-dick. So thank your lucky fucking stars. Still, she deserves a heads up – pun intended – so she isn't left wondering if she did something wrong. If you spin it in the right way, it sort of has the potential to be sexy on some level. When was the last time you heard a girl complain about a dude lasting too long in the sack? 

Exactly.

Of course I do have sympathy for you, as I'm sure it's not so sweet to know you're probably not going to reach climax every time you attempt to do just that. And hey; maybe it's a phase. Maybe you'll grow out of it. Or maybe, when the right girl comes along, your problems will be solved forever. The moral of that story is don't fucking give up. If you fail, try, and try again. If you exhaust all options, give me a call. I've got a guy with some pretty unconventional and very reliable methods.

Q: So I've been dating a girl long distance- I live in SC and she lives in L.A.

We're crazy about each other and think it could be something really special and long term. We're no kids so we know the difference between a passing fancy and the real deal. We grew up in the same town and have been friends since high school but reconnected in person after 19 years just a few months ago. And 3 months later this amazing chemistry is going strong. 

Problem is I never want to move to L.A. She's an actress so is pursuing her dream. I've traveled a lot and now its time to move back near family as they're getting older and I've been away for a long time, and she has no desire to move back home. Is this worth continuing or are we just setting up for heartbreak?

A: Enough with the dramatics here buddy. You said it yourself, you two will never be together geographically. Which means, you'll never make it together emotionally. And what would be the fun in it anyways? After a while phone sex gets boring and that  down-home chick who's been tracking you gets enticing. So it goes. I don't always rule out the LDR when there's hope of eventually being together but in your case dude, I say save your late night rollover minutes before you're forced to check into the Heartbreak Hotel.

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