Life
by BroBible Staff on December 4, 2012

Be as Attractive as Possible
They may not have known it at the time but Nada Surf dished out the most sagacious “how to get laid” advice there is in their 1996 tour de force Popular: “Being attractive is the most important thing there is. If you wanna catch the biggest fish in your pond, you have to be as attractive as possible.” FUCK YES! That's the shit I'm talking about. It's not necessary, however, to look like Brad Pitt just to get laid. Sure, it helps to have a chiseled jawline, soul-piercing eyes and a buttox for the ages, but if you squeeze every last drop of attractiveness out of yourself — no matter what level you’re at — I guarantee you'll be six unimpressive inches deep inside a queef box in no time at all. So long as you…

Play in Your Own League
It would be disingenuous to say looks aren't the biggest factor in getting laid. For anyone that isn't filthy rich, eighty percent of slangin’ dick is all about your exterior; it’s a superficial world and anyone willing to fuck you after knowing you for twenty-five minutes could care less about all the great stuff going on in the inside that ugly capsule you call a body. That said, if the most attractive version of you is a “4″ on the scale of good-lookingness then you need to focus on chicks close to that or worse. Getting laid is completely different than finding a girlfriend. When you settle down, the last thing you want to do is settle but if you’re only looking to squeeze out a few pulses on a cold winter’s night, you're going to fail if you consistently try to bang girl's who don't have a lazy eye to match yours.

Don’t Be Cheap
Pay for the cab, buy her a drink. Also a good way to discover your preferences. A girl who offers to pay is likely less entitled/not a gold digger, which will go a long way if you ever decide to get serious. Decline her offer because you are a man, and this is how the world works. 

Be Good at Something
In other words, be interesting. Cooking, soccer, guitar, collecting stamps, ventriloquism, motorcycle maintenance, whatever. Don’t be a boring, mouth-breathing equivalent of an oak tree. Everyone is talented at something, so make an impression with those talents. You can do it without being a show-off, too.

Go Out With People That Fill in Your “Gaps”
Are you handsome as all shit but have horrible anxiety breaking the ice or approaching groups of girls? Make sure one of the guys in your group is fearless and always willing to be “that guy.” Even if he isn’t the best looking dude, the girls will see he’s rolling with you, Nature’s Gift, and immediately want to engage in conversation. For his troubles, he’ll get your table scraps. That’s how teamwork works, you guys.

Post Up
At college, I once heard a possibly apocryphal story about a guy who developed something he called the “Four Pillars” to getting laid. Three of them were ridiculous and shouldn’t be discussed here. One of the pillars, though, does work: Posting up. Moving too much in a bar makes you seem unsure of yourself. Actually standing still, though, allows you to scope out the situation and find the talented and available girls at a bar or party. Two people constantly moving in one space could theoretically never find each other. If one person stays still, though, that problem is eliminated. That’s kind of like science.

Be a Little Bit of a Dick
The concept of “negging” is too overplayed, and it makes us think of that awful “Mystery” guy. But this is an obvious fact: The nicer you are, the less chance you’ll have with a girl. Similarly, if you’re a complete asshole, you’ll also have less chance with a girl. The key is finding that happy medium where you’re challenging her a bit, but also not straight-up insulting her.

Don’t Make it a Big Deal
Think of how many nights out that had the sole goal of hooking up fell short of your expectations. Unless you’re Justin Timberlake or a young J. Camm, you’re not going to turn in a 100 percent success rate. Don’t let failure ruin your life or even deter you from having fun. I’ve always felt like random hookups require an inordinate amount of work for the eventual payoff. God, that feels good to get off my chest. Look, I like letting my dick swim in strange waters as next guy, but I’m not going to base my worth as a human being on how often that happens. You shouldn’t either.

Be Attentive
Take it from a guy who is married, bedding a random is far, far easier than keeping your old lady fat and happy on a daily basis. Listen to what they have to say, learn as much as you can. TRY. You’ll have plenty of time to willfully ignore a woman when she’s speaking once you tie the knot. A well-placed callback joke about a previous element of the conversation shows you care and that you’re not some self-centered asshole … even if you are, in fact, one of those.

Dance
It took me forever to grasp this one. I refused to go out on the dance floor and gyrate around like an idiot for too long. Then I had an epiphany. Women aren’t looking for someone who has world-class moves out there – they are looking for someone secure enough with himself to look silly in pursuit.

Smell Nice
Not every guy is the best looking guy in the room. Every guy can practice proper grooming habits, though. Don’t smell like a homeless man, and pop in a breath mint every now and then. Girls are looking for an excuse to sleep with you. Cleaning up nicely could be that excuse.

Have a Unique, Redeeming Personality Trait
The concept of peacocking is long-held to be a recipe for success. But if you peacock too superficially, she’s going to lose interest fast. Be funny, be quirky, be witty, be yourself. I can’t tell you how many times I tried to be something I wasn’t in order to bed the hot blond from two dorms over. And guess what? It never worked. Not because I’m not a catch (Solid 8 right here, ask around), but because a Bro is never as comfortable with another Bro’s equipment. If being the nice guy is your thing, stick to that. If being a dick is your thing, you should get another thing, but stick to that in the meantime.

Tequila
Don’t be too aggressive with ordering shots. But it makes you seem fun, and girls are really just trying to have fun. Just try not to vom.

Have Dope Sauce Body Language
Interacting with a girl is entirely a confidence game. More than anything, you have to believe you are going to get laid, or that you at least can pull it off. Remember that if you are interacting with a girl one on one, there are no rules as to who is “above” the other. You’re both potentially interested, so it’s simply a matter of leveraging that interest that makes you look as awesome as possible. Body language, then, physically appearing to embrace and be in command of the situation, is paramount. 

Make Self-Deprecating Humor So She Feels Comfortable
We live in a world where it’s easy to want to justify how awesome we are–we’re a narcissistic generation, perhaps indirectly, but social media has certainly changed the game in terms of how we’re viewed by others, which in return has made us want to be viewed in the best possible light. Hence playing up our strengths, hence coming off as narcissistic.

I’ve always found self-deprecating humor as a great way to deflect this. Even it if you are so cool, or that thing you are doing is such a huge deal, remember that you are just a dude, trying to successfully woo a girl. Nothing is set in stone. Make her feel comfortable around you by letting her know that you don’t take yourself too seriously. 

Appear to be Interested in What She Has to Say–Ask Follow Up Questions
You don’t have to actually listen. You’re simply communicating that you ascribe value to her in a way that you don’t to other people, which is basically a more socially acceptable way of telling her that you’d very much wish to bring her back to your place and engage in adult activities. Latch onto something that she says, and try to pursue it via leading follow-up questions. Even if she doesn’t realize it, she’s flattered.

Look, Look Away Dance Floor TacticThe grimy dance floor is our generation’s mating chamber. It requires a drastically different flirtation arsenal than other settings, especially when approaching a girl you don’t already know:

1) Initially show interest by sneaking a look at her. Lock eyes, fill up that second with an assertive intensity, but then look away and go back to doing whatever it is you were just doing. This will establish your intention, but do so in a way that doesn’t completely give her the upper hand. Maintaining and even playing field is crucial.

2) Repeat this tactic at least one more time to gauge her interest. Have enough social IQ to know if she reciprocates in any way. Otherwise, refrain from being the dreaded “creeper” 

3) Continue tactic, position your body in a way that shows interest on your part, and eventually pick the right spot to introduce yourself. I’ve always hated the non-talk, automatically start grinding thing–it seems quite rapey–so just preface your interaction with something as innocent as a “sup.” There’s a decent chance the blaring music won’t let her hear what you’re saying, so if you’re really struggling for words, just mouth a bunch of stuff and smile. She’ll smile back. Don’t appear to be too aggressive here.   

Don’t Be a Debbie Downer
If you’re the type of person who makes casual conversation by complaining about how much you hate your job, your roommates, your financial situation, your overly expensive rent, or the bar you happen to be at, you suck. Like it or not, your bitching kinda makes you bitch. Unless you’re establishing common ground by complaining about your mutual hatred for Ke$ha, no one wants to listen to a Negative Nancy. Don’t suck.

Don’t Talk About Your Ex, EVER
I don't care if the girl you’re hitting on has the same last name, hails from the same state, or looks like her goddamn doppleganger, for all intents and purposes, when you leave the house, your ex is dead. No one, and I mean no one, wants to hear about that slut — your friends included.

Know Things
You don’t have to be the human equivalent of Yelp, but it doesn’t hurt to have a few clutch spots committed to memory: A great neighborhood coffee spot around the corner to cap off a date. A bar down the block that’s not quite as loud. The best 3 A.M. pizza slice on the West Side. That great sake bombing karaoke lounge that you think is in K-town. Be a master of your domain.

Compliment Her Without Being Cheesy
Or, be smooth. You don’t need to pull a Ryan Gosling “hey girrrrl,” but you should know how to compliment her without sounding like a cheeseball. When she makes a clever point during small talk, follow up by telling her that’s a good point and you never thought of it that way. Say she has fine taste in XYZ: movies, music, alcoholic beverages, etc. Tell her you like something about the way she looks. Be natural, be sincere.

Flowers and/or Gifts
Works like a charm if you’re in a relationship.

Become Friends First
Seriously, this one works. It’s a slow burn. Don’t believe all the bullshit about the friend-zone being an uninhabitable place. Instead, think of it as a sex bullpen. The power of positive thinking is real, people.

Buy a Hooker
I suppose this is technically the easiest way to getting laid. Unless you can…

Be a Woman
Hot chicks that aren’t even famous could get laid every night of the week if they wanted. And say what you want, ugly broads, but you still have it FAR BETTER than your male counterparts.

  • tonda

    Be a women is the best advice here :-D

  • Fuckyou

    Fuck America go to a country where prostitution is legal.

    • AmericaHasNiceChicks

      Fuck you. Prostitution is still here. You probably live in a shit hole country. Fuck you pussy.

  • scotty

    This is honestly hands down the best guide ever to getting laid.

  • Jack

    no time to waste http://tiny.cc/igotlaid