Q: My boys and I are having an argument. If you have only banged a certain girl in the ass does it count towards your number? My boy is trying to say that because it is rare a chick will let you do that it should count. I say every guys count has to based on if you stuck your dick in her twat. BJ's don't count so why should anal?
A: I disagree. On the grounds of I just fucking do.
But I guess I'll give a reason…
To me, oral sex is merely an extension of third base — it's really no better than a hand job with lube. Anal sex, on the other hand, usually doesn't happen unless you've already touched every other base with a chick and if it happens before that then, well, pat yourself on the back because homegirl a freak. Fact of the matter is, anal is a bigger deal than vaginal intercourse, so it must count. It may not feel as good — the hole is tight but the rest is like a hollow log — but it exceeds the base path. If sex is home plate then anal has to be that moment when the crowd calls you back out after you walk into the dugout and get showered with high fives for sending a bomb into the cheap seats. Anal is the curtain call.
Q: Hey bro, I've been keeping tabs with all the intern posts you and the brobible staff have been posting, good shit. I can say it relates to me almost in its entirety. Anyway, what I came to ask is,several times I have been in the bathroom when either my boss or another exec dude is in there. What is bathroom etiquette with co-workers, especially higher-ups? Do I say hi? Is that weird to talk in the bathroom? Is it rude if I don't make eye-contact? Help a brother out.
A: Office bathrooms can get awkward. The key to survival, and not receiving any unwanted nicknames, is to do your business and get the fuck out.
Situations like you described will arise and you'll have to be quick on your feet. If eye contact is made, don't give your boss, or any higher-ups that you may know, the cold shoulder. Throw them a hello or acknowledge them with a 'sup, son?' head nod. After that, disengage. If they want to talk you up in the bathroom, let them, but never be the one who starts the conversation.
I once had a boss who never stopped talking, not even in the bathroom. He'd walk in, say “what's up, JC?” as he b-lined it to the shitter and then he proceeded to talk my ear off as he produced human waste. He'd grunt and everything. Guy didn't care. He could be pushing out one of those shits that takes years off your life — just an absolute punisher — and he'd still be flapping his gums non-stop. But enough about things that still give me nightmares…
When you are an intern or a new hire or even on the bottom of the totem pole, the last thing you want is to be memorable for how you act in the bathroom. For that matter, regardless of your status within the company or years served you should never aspire to be the Bro who chats everyone up in the John, or the narcissist who spends more time with the mirror than Lindsay Lohan's nose, or the dickfart who fields phone calls while he's taking a shit — that's the kind of stunt you pull at home, not in an office restroom.
Also, don't be the guy who brushes his teeth in the company bathroom. That dude for sure has human remains buried behind the walls in his house.
While I catch my breath, here is something someone sent to me today.
And we're back!
Q: Does your fiance read this column or any of the other stuff you write?
A: Terrific question.
Believe it or not, she has no idea what I do for a living, she thinks I work at a hedge fund. She's in for the shock of her life when I debrief her on the lie I've been living for the last 4 years. I suspect it'll be a lot of laughs…
In all seriousness, though, yes, of course she knows what I do and she often reads what I write. Speaking in generalities, if you're going to marry someone it's for the best if they don't wholly despise what you do for a living. I'd completely understand if she took umbrage with my choice of career, but surprisingly she doesn't and and I'm lucky to have found her in that gutter all those years ago.
That said, she doesn't read every single thing I publish, but she does check in from time to time to see if I've figured out a new way to describe an asshole (see: shit cooker). Of course she doesn't like everything, nor should she, but in all, I thinks she's two parts amused and one part revolted with most of what I produce. It's a lot like our sex life in that way.
Q: Need some big help…I'm 28…Now I haven't had my V Plates taken off yet although come incredibly close several times, I got some 50 year old divorcee ask me on Facebook Straight up for the D, No relationship, no feelings… Now she lives in Canada and I live in the UK… Should I buy a ticket to go over to take the plates off?
A: If I were 28-years-old, and still a virgin, would I fly to Canada to lose my virginity to a 50-year-old cock-feign who I have never met before just to lose my virginity?
I am really trying to put myself in your mindset, but I still don't think I could go through with that. Not unless you've already met her, but good sense tells me that this old lady wants to tie me up, rob me, and have her real husband pop out of the closet and rape me with the harsh end of a pitchfork.
If I'm you, I'm buying a hooker instead of going to Canada to get murdered. Hell, if I was actually you, I bought a hooker like seven years ago and at least a baker's dozen since.
Q: My girlfriend loves giving me head but won't let me blow in her mouth/on her body/on her sheets so she jacks me off onto my chest. Is this bro? Any suggestions?
Is having a girl force you to jizz on yourself Bro? It's goddamn unfortunate, that's for sure, but is it Bro? My instincts tell me no, it's not.
And I have zero suggestions for you other than, ya know, utter defiance or finding a new girlfriend, which seems extreme. Just remember as bad as this seems, it could always be worse. “It's better to jizz on your own chest than to not be jizzing at all.” -Confucius. Probably.
[Rhinos via ShutterStock]