Lately I have been applying my scientific knowledge to my Tinder adventures, because I figured that if I were to spend thousands of dollar to earn a piece of paper called the college degree then I might as well use it to get laid. Makes sense? So instead of my usual “Hey cutie, would you like my syrup on your pancakes?” opener on Tinder, I now say something like “Hey cutie, so what kinda sports do you do?” Because I trust science and I believe it will work out way better in the long run.
Now let me explain what is this all about. A new research released by the British Heart Foundation proposes that we can tell a lot about a person just by knowing his or her favorite sport. The psychological study, conducted by Mindlab in February and March 2015, covered 2,000 adults in the UK. Here is the breakdown of their findings.
Via CNN:
If your date is a Cyclist…
Here’s the good news. She is laid back and calm, and the least likely to be depressed or suffer from stress. While the upside is that you probably won’t be murdered on your first date, the downside is that she is likely to be materialistic. Hopefully your gold digger detector will sound off before the restaurant menu arrives.
If your date is a Runner…
She is an extrovert who loves being the center of attention. Almost certainly the right date to bring to your parties and show off to your bros. Plus she likes to listen to lively upbeat music. With a bit of luck, this won’t include Justin Bieber.
If your date is a Swimmer…
Rejoice! Swimmers make the best lovers. If you have a swimmer in your hands, you’re the luckiest bastard on Planet Earth. Additionally, if your date swims – she is charitable, tends to be happy and awesome at keeping tidy! Damn, I never knew there were so many positive qualities of swimmers beyond their colourful tiny bikinis.
So if you are a swimmer, you can start telling chicks “I’m the best lover according to science and that’s the bottom-line ‘cause Stone Cold said so.” When I was five, I successfully struggled across the shallow kiddie pool for 25 metres without drowning. Surely that counts, right? Alright, time to find that undersized tight-fitting Speedo and pose by the beach for my new Tinder profile picture.
If your date is a Walker…
She likes her own company, so it’s probably not the best idea to call her to hang out every other day. Throwing elaborated surprises for her birthdays or anniversaries is also a no-no, as walkers don’t like drawing attention to themselves. (That’s why they walk, get it?) She is also charitable, and the least materialistic out of all the sports! Ditch that cyclist and go for the walker, you’re welcome.
If your date does Yoga…
She is very agreeable, conscientious, organized and finds it easy to put herself into other people’s shoes. Yay! Also one of the least materialistic groups. Double yay! I bet they are also flexible, hmm…
If your date goes to the Gym…
She is extroverted and highly emotionally stable (less likely than others to suffer mood swings). So if you want to avoid the psycho Stage 5 clingers – the kind who are insecure, needy and call you 50 times after your first date and pester you to marry her – ask her if she likes going to the gym, you should be fairly safe if she does.
Gym rats are also one of the happiest groups, and are more likely than other groups to read The Sun. Well, I hit the gym regularly and I read The Sun (only Page 3) so I guess the researchers are pretty accurate…? (For those who are unfamiliar with British tabloids, The Sun features topless babes on Page 3, or at least they used to until recently.)
So there you go – some tips on how to identity whether that girl you haven’t met might be a potential stalker who is going to go batshit on you if you don’t reply her text within 3 seconds. As with all research, this study has its limitations and leaves some questions unanswered.
For example – is playing sports on the Xbox counted? What about other sports such as golf, beach volleyball or football? If a girl plays soccer, does that mean she is fantastic at kicking balls? Is stuffing your oral cavity with glorious food at buffets considered a sport? If my date is a gymnast, does that mean she have a bag of tricks in bed? Color me curious. But that’s the problem with psychological studies, I’d be more than happy if they could just teach us how to identify prospective serial killers and terrorists.