Let’s face it: Casual drinking is the equivalent to a cheeseburger without cheese -- there is no point in partaking in such an activity if you’re not going to throw caution to the wind and give it your all. As Michael Jordan once said, “I’m not out here sweating for three hours a day just to see what sweat feels like.” You’re not just trying to find out what a beer tastes like, you’re living your glory days* and making memories no one remembers but everyone will talk about 10 years down the road. The person who casually drink is the same person who goes to KFC and orders the Double Down with grilled chicken and washes it down with a Diet Coke because they are trying to “watch their figure." This is also the guy championing Subway as a "health food."
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When Bros make the decision to drink, bros aren’t going out for a beer. In other words “thanks, but I’ll just go home, get ready for bed, brush my teeth and maybe swallow a little mouth wash which will cause the same effect as having ‘a beer.’” Just like every other aspect of Bro-life, we’re going to go hard in the paint once we commit to something. Give it our all or leave it on the court.
BUT, once a bro enters the business world of corporate America, casual drinking is the way a night starts out. You don’t go straight for the shots of Popvov anymore, and, Bro, if you’re ordering Popvov in front your your boss, you should just quit your job now. When drinking with the boss and co-workers that are the sculptors of your professional future there is a fine line between having a good time and being told on Friday morning “Heard you were a good time last night.” Therefore, here are five key tips to mask the drinking aggression, at least until the bosses are off the premisses and you no longer need to act like you enjoy hearing about how their wife keeps nagging him to do x, y and z household chores. And, besides, it's was your choice to get wifed up, Bro! You knew putting a ring on her was also putting a ball and chain on yourself, so no I don’t blame you for getting bombed before you get on that commuter train back to Connecticut.
Talk Current Events
Election, Olympics, Shark Week (everyone loves Shark Week, obviously), some worldly sh*t that is going on to show that you’re cultured. This one is easy; Just look at the front page of any news publication.
If you are out with high level execs it is likely these bros are Republican and, as a Bro, you were probably raised with Republican values, which is good news for you because it’s tough to be a poor Republican. Therefore, know some talking points about Mitt Romney and talk about how Obama is so liberal he probably orders avocado on his bagel and some sort of soy milk beverage. After all, it is an election year, so it’d be in poor taste not to be up on what’s happening. Also, before you fully commit to a side, just make sure you know your shit and your boss is definitely conservative. Stay away from abortion. That's just common sense.
Jets players fighting at training camp? Usain Bolt's chances at winning the 200m? All fodder for post-drinks. Of course, you know this already.
Be up on some business trades (The Journal, Business Insider, Dealbreaker, etc) and be able to have some talking points. For example, Richard Schulze buying the remainder of Best Buy shares. Finance Bros love to use examples such as “If I were him....” this is what I would do. Know about a couple of start-ups or tech brands that you think are hot and would invest in, because afterall, you’re a Bro, you like the risk, of course you have your longevity, low risk stocks that will always be there, but you also enjoy the risk of a short term investment. Just like your roster of broads, you have your vanilla girls who will always be there and not do anything too crazy -- they also don’t have an original thought in their head and will most likely have Mason jars filled with seeds as decor at their wedding that they found on Pintrest. Therefore, you like to have your girl who might be absolutely nuts, you never know what to expect from this one but their payoff might be worth it. Just like your high risk stock, you just need to know when to get out.
Beware of Talking Shop
When you're out with your superiors, sometimes it's a good thing to bring up the projects and Excel documents that consume your 8 to 6 office hours. Loose lips sink ships and alcohol has a tendency to just that, so be wary of the path you're setting down when talking about actual work.
Don’t wear your tolerance on your sleeve
Number One Rule of Fight Club: Don’t talk about Fight Club; This should be applied to late night office hang outs as well. As a Bro, you don’t need to talk about how hard you party, it is natural and all bros know that Friday is reserved for being hungover, but you better not look f*cking hungover and don’t bitch about it either. It is your fault you feel the way you do, you had an awesome time last night, but there is no need to tell people who weren’t there about it; they weren’t there for a reason. Also, be sure when you step away from your post (cube) on Friday you have a business trade up, not your Gchat. For example, if you work in advertising, have an article from Ad Age up. This will show your superiors that yes you may have partied but you care about your career with the utmost respect.
Photo via Bob B. Brown/Delish